ON JOKES

A joke walked into a bar, and the bartender started laughing and laughing.



"Why did the joke cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"Because a chicken was telling it."
"Oh yeah?  What was the joke about?"
"I'm not sure since I am just learning chicken, but it had something to do with prostitutes laying eggs."



"How many jokes does it take to change a light bulb?"
"I don't know.  How many?"
"Six hundred and forty-seven."
"What?  Six hundred and forty-seven jokes to change a light bulb?" 
"Yeah, 647 jokes to change a light bulb."
"Why so many?"
"The jokes are in the union."



A joke has a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked another joke.
And the joke replied, "My punchline lost control."

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Joke."

"Joke who?"

"I would hope that you wouldn't want to joke anyone."

The bartender was still laughing.  The joke was not impressed.  Not only has the bartender peed his pants, but his ass fell off.  

"I'm not that funny!" said the joke.

But the bartender kept laughing, and died laughing right there in the bar.  The bartender was deader than Dracula getting a suntan.

The joke left, but later complained to The Bar Association (TBA) about the bartender's behavior and poor service.  TBA fined the bartender, and ordered him never to die laughing again. 

ON PROCRASTINATION

CREATIVE PROCRASTINATION 101

If you're just getting started as a procrastinator, and haven't decided what you are going to put off doing, then this course gives you the opportunity to put off a selection of different tasks.  (We'll get back to you about location and cost.)


A procrastinator walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"
The procrastinator said, "Uhhh . . . "


"How many procrastinators does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How many?"
"Just one, but he or she may never get around to doing it." 


"Why did the procrastinator cross the road?"
"I don't know.  Why?"
"To avoid doing things on the other side."


"Have you decided what you want?" asked the bartender.
"Yes," replied the procrastinator.
"Well?  What?"
"I want more time to decide."  


"What's a procrastinator's favorite word?"
"What?"
"No, not 'What.'  It's tomorrow."


"Why didn't the procrastinator draw a circle?"
"I don't know.  Why?"
"Because he never got around to it."

 


"Look," said the bartender, "I'm running a business here.  If you can't decide what you want, then I'm going to ask you to leave."
"Okay," said the procrastinator, "I want a drink. . . "
"Well?  What kind of drink?"
"A Gin and tonic," said the procrastinator.
"Hallelujah!  He finally ordered a drink.  One Gin and tonic coming up."
"Wait a minute," said the procrastinator.  I'd like a Gin and tonic, but can I drink it tomorrow?"

Shhhhhhhhh!

What does silence look like?

Silence used to be golden, but current economic conditions have turned it bronze.

"Why did silence cross the road?"

"I don't know."

"To go to a bar."

Silence walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"

Silence said, "Shhhhhhhhh!"

The bartender served shhhhhhhhh! to silence.  Silence drank it, paid, and left.

"Why did silence cross the road?"

"To go to a bar?"

"No, to go back home.  It had just left the bar."

"Where does silence live?"

"Unfortunately nowhere near me."

If silence falls in the forest, and no one is there not to listen, is there still no noise?

QUIET IS REQUESTED FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO LISTEN TO THE VOICES IN THEIR HEADS

ON FALL

Fall fell into a bar and the bartender said, "Look at this mess!  Look at all the leaves! Why couldn't you simply walk into my bar? There's no point in going on with this joke until we have cleaned up this mess."


The four seasons sat around, but only three of them were talking.  Fall sat silently.  
"Some call me morbid," said Winter, "but I love death."
"The way you love death is the way I love life," said Spring.
"I enjoy life and death," said Summer, "but sometimes my humidity bothers me."
Fall said nothing.
"Fall, what about you?" asked Winter.  "Don't you have anything to say?"
And Fall said, "Please leaf me alone."
"What's with Fall?" Winter asked Spring and Summer.
Summer said, "Fall is upset after being yelled at by a bartender for being itself."


Fall has a split personality.  Sometimes it is Fall, and sometimes it is Autumn.


"How many Falls does it take to change a light bulb?"
"I don't know.  How many?"
"None.  Once Falls falls, it does not get up. The burnt-out light bulb has to wait until it is changed by a barking bumble bee."
"A barking bumble bee changing burnt-out light bulb?"
"Yes.  Sorry if my sense of surrealism surprises you."
"You're welcome."


After the bartender had raked up the leaves in his bar he said,"Okay Fall, let's get on with this joke. What will it be?"
And Fall said, "I'll have a glass of water, please."
"Water?  Is that all?"
"Yes," said Fall.  "I don't like drinking booze because it makes me fall."
"Wait a minute," said the bartender.  "Not drinking booze because it makes you fall is the punchline?"
"Yes," said Fall.
"Damn!" said the bartender.  "It wasn't worth cleaning up the bar for this joke."

ON DEATH

Does Death have a degree in philosophy?  What about religion?  Which religion is Death?



Death walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Oh no!"
"Don't worry," says Death, "I'm not here for you."
"Then why are you here?" asks the bartender.
"A drink.  I came in here for a drink."
"What would you like?  Whatever you want is on the house."
"Why thank you," says Death.  "I'll have a-"
But the joke suddenly died.  That's okay.  It wasn't funny anyway.

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?

"Death."

"Death who?"

"That's an odd way to sneeze."

Does Death ever get tired of being punishment?

"How many deaths does it take it take to change a light bulb?"

"I don't know.  How many?"

"342."

"Why so many?"

"Don't know.  Everyone is afraid to ask."

"What is Death's favorite color?"

"I don't know.  What is Death's favorite color?"

"Bleak."

"Why did Death cross the road?"

"I don't know.  Why did Death cross the road?"

"To get to The End."

STUPID JOKES WITH NUMBERS

Number 7 walks into a bar.
"What will it be?" asks the bartender.
"I'll have a Number 3, please."
The bartender brings Number 7 a Number 3.  Number 7 drinks it, pays and leaves as Number 10.


"I haven't paid taxes in years," says Number 9.
"How do you manage that?" asks 15 percent.
"Whenever the tax people come looking for me, I stand on my head.  They think I'm Number 6 and leave."


Number 8 was laughing and laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks Number 6.
"Look at Number 13,"  says Number 8.  "It's an odd number with a double-bubble belly!"


Poor Number 4!  He can't figure out why golfers keep calling him.


Q:  Why did Number 3 cross the road?
A:  It thought it was a chicken.


Q:  Why did Number 2 cross the road?
A:  To get to a toilet on the other side.


Q:  Why did Number 1 cross the road?
A:  It was bored and decided to follow 2 and 3.

"Knock. Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Two."

"Two who?"

"How nice you're glad I'm here.  Where's the toilet?"

The E--

"Hey Mr. Funny Bone Technician!  Don't end yet.  How about a joke about me, Number 5?  You got jokes for every other number, in this blog, except me.  You must be fair and put me a joke."

"Sorry, Number 5, but nothing comes to mind."

"Nothing comes to mind?  It's not fair!  It's not fair!" shouts Number 5 and storms off.

Number 5 walks into a bar.

"Why do depressed?" asks the bartender.

"That Funny Bone guy put all the other numbers in a joke, in his blog, except me."

"Sorry to hear that," says the bartender.  "What can I get you?"

"Can you bring me a joke, please?"

"Sure, no problem," says the bartender.

The bartender makes Number 5 a joke.  Number 5 drinks it, pays, and leaves laughing. 

ALL ABOUT MONEY

Q:  Why did the money cross the road?
A:  To get to the bar on the other side.



Money walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Wow!  You can have anything you want."
And money says, "I'll have happiness, please."
"Uh-er-uh--sorry," says the bartender, "you can have almost anything you want."
"Thanks," says money as it walks out.



Q:  Why did the rich man cross the road?
A:  He was following the money.



A rich man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"
The rich man says, "Nothing thanks.  Have you seen my money?  We were together and somehow we parted."
"Are you a fool?" asks the bartender.
"Yes," says the rich man, "but that won't matter once I get elected."



"I used to own a big house, a Mercedes Benz, and had a fortune in the bank, but I gave it all up," said a man on a park bench.
"Why?  You weren't happy?" asked a passerby.
"No," said the man, "I owe taxes and the government seized everything."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Money."

"Money who?"

"I lied.  It's Death and that's it for this blog."

FUN WITH TERRORISM

A terrorist walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

"I'll have a hostage, please," says the terrorist.

"I'm sorry," says the bartender, "but we don't serve hostages here.  Can I get you something else?"

"Okay," says the terrorist, "I'll have an Irish Car Bomb."

***

"Why did the terrorists cross the road?"

"I don't know.  Why did the terrorists cross the road?"

"Because they were chickens."

***

"Knock. Knock."

"Who's there?"

"ISIS"

"ISIS who?"

"ISIS that you open the door so we can talk face to face."

***

"How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?"

"Seventy-two?"

"No, 72 is the average I.Q. for terrorists."

"I don't know.  How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?"

"Two.  One to change the bulb, and the other to blow the bulb up."

"I don't get it.  Why would they bother to change the bulb and then blow up the new one?"

"Did I mention that 72 is the average I.Q. for terrorists?"

***

COURSES FOR TERRORISTS:

- Revenge 101

- Making Demands That Will Be Met

- Surviving Your Suicide Bombing

***

DEFINITION OF TERRORISM*

noun: terrorism

1. the use of violence and intimidation in the pursuit of political aims.

   *Merriam-Webster Dictionary

     

 The use of violence and intimidation in the pursuit of political aims?  Hmm . . . Sounds like something that governments do.

THE WORLD WILL END OCTOBER 7, 2015?

The world will end October 7, 2015.  This according to Chris McCann, leader of the eBible Fellowship.  I have my lunch made and my bags packed . . . 


An apocalypse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"
The apocalypse says, "I'll have an End-Of-The-World please."
"Have you got a note from God?" asks the bartender.
"No," says the apocalypse.
"Sorry," says the bartender, "I can't serve an End-Of-The-World without a note from God."
The apocalypse leaves the bar and crosses the road. 



Q:  Why did the apocalypse cross the road?

A:  To end the world on the other side.



Q:  How many apocalypses does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  None.  Apocalypses have no need to fix lights.

One apocalypse to another: "Does the devastation make my ass look big?"

Another apocalypse was overheard to say, "I don't mind ending the world, but all that screaming and shouting bothers me."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Apocalypse."

"Apocalypse who?" 

WALKING INTO BARS

A man with his foot in his mouth hops into a bar.  The bartender says, "What will it be Mr. Trump?"

A pencil walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

The pencil says, "I'll have a blank piece of paper, please."

"I serve drinks here," says the bartender.  "You can't  drink a piece of paper."

"Please bring me a blank piece of paper.  I'll pay you for it."

The bartender shrugs his shoulders, leaves and then returns with a blank piece of paper.  The pencil drinks it in one gulp.

"Wow!" says the bartender.  "I've never seen anyone drink a piece of paper."

And the pencil says as it pays and starts to leave, "Anything is possible in this blog."

An elephant walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

The elephant says, "I forget."

The bartender leaves and returns with a piece of paper.  The elephant drinks it, pays and leaves.

"The pencil was right," thinks the bartender. "Anything is possible in this blog."

A blog reader walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

The blog reader says, "I'd like a laugh, please."

"I'm sorry," says the bartender, "but we don't have any laughs in this blog today.  Would you like a piece of paper?"

"No thanks," you say as you leave.

ON IMMUNE SYSTEMS . . .

An immune system walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

The immune system says, "I need something to make me stronger."

The bartender says, "I have just what you need."

The bartender goes away and then comes back with plenty of sunshine; exercise; and a diet high in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and low in saturated fats.

The immune system looks at what the bartender brought and says, "I'm sorry, but this looks too dull and too much like work.  Have you got a cigarette, and can you bring me some pizza and a beer?"

***

Q:  Why did the immune system cross the road?

A:  To protect the road from vampires.

***

***

Human beings exist because Earth's immune system is not working properly.

EVERYWHERE (AND SOME CRAP)

Question:  Why did Everywhere cross the street?

Answer:  Because it was the other side.

 

Listen.

Our ancestors speak to us

Through wind chimes and stones.

"What's that doing here?" says my blog.

"It just came to me so I wrote it down," says I.

"I would prefer you to stick to stuff that is supposed to be funny, and forget the philosophical-poetry crap."

"Okay."

Everywhere walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

Everywhere says, "I'll have everything, please."

The bartender takes awhile, but he fixes everything and brings it to Everywhere.  He says to Everywhere, "Haven't I seen you around?"

Everywhere says, "I should hope so!"

Everywhere finishes its everything and leaves the bar to go where it is.

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Everywhere."

"Everywhere who?"

"Never mind.  If you have to ask, then you're not paying attention."

Question:  How many everywhere's does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer:  One.  There is only one everywhere.

The wind blows the past

Through pines 

Making history endless

"That's it!" says my blog.

"I'm sorry, but it slipped out."  

"I'm not giving you another chance for any more crap to slip out.   We're done for today."

THE UNIVERSE, MIXED MARRIAGE AND A BAR

I became One with The Universe, and got an infection in my solar system.  When I went to my doctor, he said that I should have practiced "safe meditation."

"How do you practice safe meditation?" I asked.

"He answered, "Very carefully."

 ***

 

Did you hear about the skunk that fell in love with a fart?  Conservative skunks told him that the relationship was not right; that he should stick with stinks of his own kind.  But love transcends all boundaries including bad smells.

The fart experienced the same resistance from her parents and other farts.  She had to flee from an asshole to be with the skunk.  They ran off and got married.

Some said, "Their children won't know whether they are skunks or farts."  This was not a problem.  The skunk and fart raised their children not as skunks or farts, but as bad smells.  They lived smellaby ever after.

***

A bar walks into another bar.  What a mess!  Booze and broken glass all over the place!  The patrons fled, both bartenders suffered major injuries.  This joke has to stop now before anyone else gets hurt.

A SHORT BLOG ON BRIAN WILLIAMS

Brian Williams walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

"I'll have a rum and coke," says Brian Williams

And the bartender says, "I don't believe you!"

Q:  Why did Brian Williams cross the road?

A:  To lie on the other side.

"Knock Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Brian."

"Brian who?"

"Never mind.  You won't believe me."

Q:  How many Brian Williamses does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  Only one, but confirm that the bulb is burnt out before you let him change it.

"You don't believe me?" Brian Williams asks the bartender.

"No," says the bartender, "I don't."

"I'm sorry," says Brian Williams.  "I misremembered  what I wanted.  It's not a rum and coke I want, it's a time machine."

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we're out of time machines.  Come back yesterday and we will have some.

Brian Williams says, "Okay, thanks."  He gets up and leaves the bar walking to his helicopter parked outside.

A WORD PUDDING CONTAINING A LITTLE OF THIS AND A LITTLE OF THAT

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?

"Money."

"Money who?"

"Open the door and let me in because before you know it I'll be Gone!" 

"All governments are run by liars and nothing they say should be believed."  

                                                   - I. F. Stone

Whew!  Them is strong words.   I suspect that journalist I. F. Stone had a long-term relationship with a politician, and discovered that all the while the politician was sleeping around.  (Remember, you read that here first.)

"Knock, Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Short Attention Span."

"Short Attention Span who?"

"So, why did the chicken cross the road."

 "I don't know, why did the chicken cross the road?"

"To get to the end of this blog."

WALKING INTO BARS

A bartender walks into a bar.  The owner of the bar, who is also the bartender, says, "What's wrong,  don't you have your own joke?"


A Who's-there? walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"
The Who's-there? says, "I'll have a knock knock please."
The bartender says, "A knock knock?"
The Who's-there? says, "Who's there?"
The bartender says, "What's a knock knock?"
The Who's-there? says, "What's-a-knock-knock who?"
"No," says the bartender, "I'm asking what a knock knock is.  I've never heard of that drink."
"Forget it," says the Who's-there?.  "I'm leaving.  You just ruined the joke!"


A naked man walks in to a bar and the bartender says, "Hey buddy, didn't you forget something?"
The naked man looks down at himself and then rushes out saying, "You're right,  I forgot my wallet!"


 A politician walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"
The politician smiles and says, "What do most of your customers drink?"
The bartender says, "Beer."
"Then I'll have a beer, please," says the politician.
"What brand of beer?" asks the bartender.
"Uh-er-uh-can I get back to you on that?" asks the politician.  "I want to set up a task force to study the matter further, and then make recommendations."


 A turd walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve shit in here."
"That's not what I heard," says the turd.  "I'll have a pina colada, please."
The bartender thinks for a moment, and then makes a flushing noise.  The turd runs out terrified.


"I said,  What's wrong,  don't you have your own joke?"
"I do," says the bartender, "but I just came in here to get a break.  I've had a rough shift.  I had to deal with a Who's-there? who yelled at me for ruining its joke, a naked man without his wallet, a politician who couldn't order a beer without consulting a task force, and a turd who wanted a pina colada."
"Wow," says the owner-bartender, "that's rough!  At least I don't have to worry about anything like that happening to me."
"Why not?" asks the bartender.
"Because," says the owner-bartender, "I was created just for this blog; so my existence ends when this blog ends."
"Really?" asks the bartender.  "Do you believe in life after blog?"

MY DREAM ABOUT THIS AND THAT . . .

 

I had a dream that you were reading this . . . 


And you laughed at the following:


This walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"
  
This says, "I'll have that, please."

So the bartender fixes This that.  While This is sipping that, the bartender says, "You're the first This who has come into my bar and ordered that.  How come?"

And This says, "Fear, I guess.  Unlike most words, I am not afraid to leave the dictionary and explore the world."

After a few thats, This stood up on the bar and shouted, "I AM A PRONOUN AND NOT AN AMATEUR NOUN!"

"Excuse me, but you can't do that," said the bartender.   "Please sit back down or I will have to ask you to leave."

"Oh yeah?"  shouted This

"Oh yeah,"  said the bartender.

And This sat back down, finished another that, and then left.  And that's that.    



Question:  Why did This cross the road?

You: I don't know. 

Answer:  To return to the dictionary. 
 (This would have driven back to the dictionary, but knows not to drink and drive.)


"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"This."
"This who?"
"No not the zoo, This that's who."


BREAKING NEWS:  THAT FILES COMPLAINT WITH THE WORDS RIGHTS ASSOCIATION AFTER THAT IS USED IN A DREAM AS A DRINK

     Lawyers for That said that their client's reputation was damaged when That was used in a dream as an alcoholic drink drank by This.  The lawyers said that they are also thinking about filing a lawsuit against Gary Johnston, the dreamer.  A spokesperson for The Words Rights Association said that they will investigate  and . . . 


. . . And then you woke up and continued with your reality -- whatever that is.