GOALS

"My goals in life are to eat, drink and be merry.  I will eat and drink now, and be merry after my sex-change operation," said Poindexter Diddle.


"My goal in life is to always remember never to forget," said Elmer Elephant. 


"My goal is to write books people won't understand," said James Joyce. 


"My goal in life is never to get cross with people," said Jesus.


"My goal is never to meet my partner," said Lawrence Parallel Line.


"My goal in life is to smell even if I don't have a nose," said Rose Rose.


"My goal is to ribbet ribbet," said Frankie Frog.


"My goal in life is to last forever," said Donald Dodo Bird.


"My goal is to create beings that are ignorant and savage and always find excuses to kill each other," said God.

I DON'T KNOW

There are many things that I don't know.  Here's a few of them:


I don't know whether the Chess Club will join with the Chest Club to play boobs on a board.


I don't know whether rug hookers will ever be arrested for prostitution.


I don't know whether the Knitting Club will knit warm knots for winter. 


I don't know whether The Repair Shop can fix my life.


I don't know whether Elmer the Elephant remembers that he borrowed 50 peanuts from me on June 31,1999.


I don't know whether a flower has ever said, "No!" to a bee.


I don't know whether dreams come true.  They may be incapable of having orgasms.


I don't know whether the sun gets a tan.


I don't know where I am going, but I hope I get there soon.


I don't know when to stop . . . Wait a minute, yes I do.

WALKING INTO BARS

A man with his foot in his mouth hops into a bar.  The bartender says, "What will it be Mr. Trump?"

A pencil walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

The pencil says, "I'll have a blank piece of paper, please."

"I serve drinks here," says the bartender.  "You can't  drink a piece of paper."

"Please bring me a blank piece of paper.  I'll pay you for it."

The bartender shrugs his shoulders, leaves and then returns with a blank piece of paper.  The pencil drinks it in one gulp.

"Wow!" says the bartender.  "I've never seen anyone drink a piece of paper."

And the pencil says as it pays and starts to leave, "Anything is possible in this blog."

An elephant walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

The elephant says, "I forget."

The bartender leaves and returns with a piece of paper.  The elephant drinks it, pays and leaves.

"The pencil was right," thinks the bartender. "Anything is possible in this blog."

A blog reader walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

The blog reader says, "I'd like a laugh, please."

"I'm sorry," says the bartender, "but we don't have any laughs in this blog today.  Would you like a piece of paper?"

"No thanks," you say as you leave.

THINGS I NEVER WANT TO CATCH

I never want to catch an elephant going through menopause.  And I never want to catch menopause either.  I like my body temperature just the way it is, and the weather creates enough havoc with my moods, thank you very much.

I never want to catch a politician being honest, or not wasting taxpayers' money.  What would I have to complain about if this ever happened?

I never want to catch Dutch Elm disease.  I avoid having sex with trees for that reason.

I never want to catch the disease that makes you write silly blogs that are never long enough. 

QUESTIONS . . .

Did Groucho Marx shoot an elephant in my pajamas
 
Should I use some of the rocks in my head for my garden?

Does deodorant use deodorant?

Is marriage really all that hard for the first fifty years?

Was there more to Dorothy's relationship with the Wizard of Oz? 

Are the friends of my enemies friends with each other?

Did writer John Updike write any books about the flow of water? 

What does coffee drink when it is tired? 

If the end does not come now, then when?