Things Sun Said

"Who can give me a tan?"

"No matter which soap I use, I can't get the spots out."

"I'm the center of the Solar System.  It's all about me!"

"If it wasn't for me, they wouldn't exist and all they give me is one day out of seven."

"Do I need to install smoke alarms?"

"Am I getting too much sun?"

"What is it like to be in the dark?"

 "I think I'll wait 5 billion years before I swell up and become a red giant.  That gives me lots of time to think whether this will be the right path for me."

Stupid Sun Jokes

Sun walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"
"I'll have a glass of hydrogen, please," said Sun.
"Would you like some helium with that?" asked the bartender.
"Sure," said Sun.
The bartender returned with a glass consisting of  74.9% hydrogen, 23.8% helium, and the rest a mixture of oxygen, carbon, neon and iron.
"Hmmm.  This tastes like me," said Sun.
"Yeah," said the bartender, "I'm also an astrophysicist."
Sun downed its drink.
"May I have another?" asked Sun.
"Listen Sun," said the bartender, "this joke isn't going anywhere.  Let's stop it now, and see whether that funny bone guy can come up with any other stupid jokes?"
"Okay," said Sun.


To protect itself, does Sun wear sunscreen?


"How many suns does it take to change a light  bulb?"
"I dunno."
"None.  Burned out lights don't matter when Sun is around."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Sun."

"Sun who?"

"Sunspot."

"Sunspot what?"

"Sunspot stupid jokes and not laugh."

"Why did Sun cross the road?"

"Why?"

"It was shining on a chicken."

"Those jokes are stupid," said the bartender.

"Yeah," said Sun. "That funny bone guy shouldn't quit his night job.  Thanks for the drink."
Sun got up, left the bar and walked off into itself setting.

There was The Lone Ranger riding off into the sunset.
"You look lost," said Sun.
"I am a bit," said The Lone Ranger. "I thought there was a bar around here owned by an astrophysicist."
"There is," said Sun. "It's back that way."
"Thanks," said The Lone Ranger. "I'm thinking about asking out a star, and hope the bartender can give me some information about her."
The Lone Ranger turned around and rode east, and Sun continued going west thinking, "Gawd, that funny bone guy will come up with anything to fill up a blog."   

HEALTH TIPS

Get lots of Vitamin OQ.
(Vitamin OQ doesn't exist, but you should still get lots of it because it's good for you.)


Eat food only, and don't snack on the furniture.


Stay away from organic poisons.


See a doctor at least once every 50 years.


Never walk on the sun.


Avoid pain.


Use bricks instead of wood to build a strong immune system.


Plan your meals using food.


Energize yourself by playing with live electrical wires.


Keep breathing.

I DON'T KNOW

There are many things that I don't know.  Here's a few of them:


I don't know whether the Chess Club will join with the Chest Club to play boobs on a board.


I don't know whether rug hookers will ever be arrested for prostitution.


I don't know whether the Knitting Club will knit warm knots for winter. 


I don't know whether The Repair Shop can fix my life.


I don't know whether Elmer the Elephant remembers that he borrowed 50 peanuts from me on June 31,1999.


I don't know whether a flower has ever said, "No!" to a bee.


I don't know whether dreams come true.  They may be incapable of having orgasms.


I don't know whether the sun gets a tan.


I don't know where I am going, but I hope I get there soon.


I don't know when to stop . . . Wait a minute, yes I do.

I FEAR . . .

I fear that I am a character in a dream, and the dreamer is about to awaken.  And then I become a fast-fading memory soon forgotten.  

I fear a thesaurus will attack me and eat my words.

I fear sunshine at night.  Why?  What is the sun doing up so late?  Up to no-good no doubt.

I fear talking spiders on the World Wide Web.

I fear I'll get lead poisoning from pencils.

I fear that diseases cause sickness.

I fear if I tell the truth, people will think I am lying.

I fear one day the government will make free taxable.

I fear being around farting beans.

I fear that someone will throw a dinner in my honor, and I will be covered with food.

I fear my life is taking place in the mind of an Alzheimer's patient.

I fear running out of ideas and having to end my blog abrupt--

MORE WISDOM FROM BOOAZ

Booaz first appeared in this blog back in March of this year.  Here is more of his wisdom:

For those of you who were out of it, welcome back to your mind.


Does bamboo have anything to do with striking a ghost?


The sun wakes us up, but who wakes up the sun?


People who live in grass houses shouldn't throw weeds.


How long has history been here?  How long will history stay?  Will history be around in the future?


When will nothing realize that it is something?


Seek and ye shall find, but ye may not find right away.


Life consists of pain and suffering, and making jokes about pain and suffering. 

IF I WAS NOT A FUNNY BONE TECHNICIAN . . .

If I wasn't a funny bone technician, then I would like to work at:

- Being a guide human for blind dogs;

- Being paid to be shade for the Sun;

- Being a dictionary to give meaning to everything;

- Being an employee of a home for chewed food;

- Making catalogues of all the catalogues in the world; 

- Being the space in some peoples' heads;

- Building airplanes so more time can fly;

- Having a garden of peas for the world (World Peas);

- Teaching creative sensitivity to help people get their poetic license;

And finally, if I was not a funny bone technician, then I would like to be the stuff that dreams are made on, and round my little life with sleep.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz . . .

AND DON'T FORGET TO FILL OUT THE ONLINE SURVEY . . .

 

 

OVERHEARD WORDS . . .

"I quit smoking."
"But you don't smoke and never smoked."
"That's why it was so easy to quit."


"My doctor is a metaphysician and gave me a complete checkup."
"What did he say?"
"He said that I am healthy and will live forever."
"Really?"
"Yes, but not necessarily in my present body."


"You look disappointed."
"It's another calendar with all the days in sequential order.  Can't someone invent a calendar where Friday comes right after Sunday?"


"So, how do you like Reality so far?"
"Not bad, but I wouldn't want to live here."
"Why not?"
"I have my unreasons."


"I can't believe he did this to me!"
"What did he do?"
"I can't believe it!  He came over with -- "
(And then a loud truck went by and I could not hear the rest.)


"How nice to see you.  How are you?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"I'm not a doctor.  A doctor can tell you how I am."
"You simply can't say that you're fine?"
"What?  And misdiagnose myself?"


"Got any spare change?"
"No.  All the money in my pocket I plan to use.  I keep my spare change in the bank.  But you got money in your hat that you didn't have before.  YOU are the one with spare change!"


"Wanna go out for a beer?"
"No, I can't.  I promised the wife I'd come straight home so she could chew me out for something."


"Look at them," said Sky.
"Oh My God!  They're gorgeous!" said Sun.