MY DREAM ABOUT THIS AND THAT . . .

 

I had a dream that you were reading this . . . 


And you laughed at the following:


This walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"
  
This says, "I'll have that, please."

So the bartender fixes This that.  While This is sipping that, the bartender says, "You're the first This who has come into my bar and ordered that.  How come?"

And This says, "Fear, I guess.  Unlike most words, I am not afraid to leave the dictionary and explore the world."

After a few thats, This stood up on the bar and shouted, "I AM A PRONOUN AND NOT AN AMATEUR NOUN!"

"Excuse me, but you can't do that," said the bartender.   "Please sit back down or I will have to ask you to leave."

"Oh yeah?"  shouted This

"Oh yeah,"  said the bartender.

And This sat back down, finished another that, and then left.  And that's that.    



Question:  Why did This cross the road?

You: I don't know. 

Answer:  To return to the dictionary. 
 (This would have driven back to the dictionary, but knows not to drink and drive.)


"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"This."
"This who?"
"No not the zoo, This that's who."


BREAKING NEWS:  THAT FILES COMPLAINT WITH THE WORDS RIGHTS ASSOCIATION AFTER THAT IS USED IN A DREAM AS A DRINK

     Lawyers for That said that their client's reputation was damaged when That was used in a dream as an alcoholic drink drank by This.  The lawyers said that they are also thinking about filing a lawsuit against Gary Johnston, the dreamer.  A spokesperson for The Words Rights Association said that they will investigate  and . . . 


. . . And then you woke up and continued with your reality -- whatever that is.
 

 

RECYCLED STUFF TO FILL THE SPACE WHILE I SEEK MY DEEPER MOTIVES

TRUSTING THE VOICES IN MY HEAD

 
Once upon a time there was a little green --

"We don't want you to write that story."

Then why did you start it in my head?

"One of us started to shout it out after most of us had voted not to tell you."

So let me get this straight.  You voices in my head vote on which stories to tell me, and you don't always agree on what these stories will be; so you vote on it?

"That's right."

And the voice that did not agree with the last vote started to shout out the story the majority of voices did not want me to write?

"That's right."

How did you stop this voice from continuing to shout out the story?

"Our security removed it from your head."

Removed it from my head?  To where?

"To somewhere beyond your comprehension." 
 
Okay, so where does that leave me now?  What do I write?

"Go ahead.  Write."

Write what?  You voices usually tell me what to write.
   
"That's right, we usually tell you what to write.  We don't always tell you what to write."

 Oh, I thought you always did.
  
"No, we don't."

Then what am I hearing when you are not telling me what to write?

"An auditory hallucination."

An auditory hallucination?  You're saying that I'm psychotic?

"Yes, sometimes.  You are psychotic only when we're not around to keep you in contact with reality."

Whoa!  You, the voices in my head, are telling me that I am psychotic when you are not around to keep me grounded in reality?"

"That's right."

How do I know that you are not an auditory hallucination?

"You don't.  It's a matter of trust."

Okay . . .

I trust that the voices in my head are real, and I trust the voices in my head to keep me grounded in reality.
  
"Sounds good to us."

 

I'M GETTING TIRED OF REALITY . . .

 

                                             (Famous quote by Nuth Thing)

                         

OVERHEARD WORDS . . .

"I quit smoking."
"But you don't smoke and never smoked."
"That's why it was so easy to quit."


"My doctor is a metaphysician and gave me a complete checkup."
"What did he say?"
"He said that I am healthy and will live forever."
"Really?"
"Yes, but not necessarily in my present body."


"You look disappointed."
"It's another calendar with all the days in sequential order.  Can't someone invent a calendar where Friday comes right after Sunday?"


"So, how do you like Reality so far?"
"Not bad, but I wouldn't want to live here."
"Why not?"
"I have my unreasons."


"I can't believe he did this to me!"
"What did he do?"
"I can't believe it!  He came over with -- "
(And then a loud truck went by and I could not hear the rest.)


"How nice to see you.  How are you?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"I'm not a doctor.  A doctor can tell you how I am."
"You simply can't say that you're fine?"
"What?  And misdiagnose myself?"


"Got any spare change?"
"No.  All the money in my pocket I plan to use.  I keep my spare change in the bank.  But you got money in your hat that you didn't have before.  YOU are the one with spare change!"


"Wanna go out for a beer?"
"No, I can't.  I promised the wife I'd come straight home so she could chew me out for something."


"Look at them," said Sky.
"Oh My God!  They're gorgeous!" said Sun.

HODGEPODGE SOUP . . .

"Of course it's an antique.  The label says, Made In Canada."

***

"My occupation?  I'm an impersonal trainer."

***

"I wish the fish in my dish would grant my wish."

***

"I'm not unemployed.  I am retired without a pension."

***

"Are Wall Street's crannies full of well-dressed crooks?"

***

"How do wishing wells make wishes?  Do they make a wish, and then throw up a previously swallowed coin?

***

"May the lion you meet face-to-face be a vegetarian."

***

"Weddings have nothing to do with marriage."

***

"May I ask you a question?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because you never asked me for my permission to ask whether you could ask me a question." 

***

"I plan to visit Reality soon, but I won't stay long."