BREAKING NEWS:

Not All About Weddings

"Why did the wedding cross the road?"
"Why?"
"Because the bridesmaids' dresses did not match the buildings."


Is it still the bride and groom when a mop marries a broom?


"How many weddings does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How many?"
"Only one, but the light bulb has to be invited."


A wedding walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Whoa!  Whoa!  There's not enough room!"

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"A."

"A who?"

"A wedding."

"I'd let you in, but like the bar there's not enough room."

Remember:  Weddings have nothing to do with marriage.

Not All About Love

Was it St.Valentine who chased all the hearts out of Ireland?

"Why do fools fall in love?"

"Why?"

"Because it is not a coincidence that Cupid rhymes with stupid."

Love and Marriage go together like Peace and War.

"I can't fall in love."

"Why not?"

"Because I haven't studied the Law of Gravity."

Do light bulbs change when they fall in love?

If love is blind, then how come you never see it with a white cane?

Is it possible to love yourself and not masturbate?

"Why did love cross the road?"

"Why?"

"Because it found a way."

"Oh Wise Master, how does one love one's enemies?"

"Very carefully, my child, very carefully."

Love never ends, but blogs do.

A LETTER TO MAKE IT FAIR

Dear Satan,

     I wrote a letter to God yesterday.  I thought I better write one to you so you won't complain about being treated unfairly.

      Hell must be a popular place.  People are always telling me to go there.  But I never believed in Hell until I got married.  My wife was religious, and she showed me that Hell exists.  

     I often wonder whether my marriage was made in the place you rule.  Do you know anything about that?

     Wherever my marriage was made, it did not last.  Was this the result of cheap, unskilled foreign labor?  It doesn't matter.  It's a blessing my marriage did not last because my poor wife did not deserve me: she was perfect and I wasn't.

     I'm sorry to go on about my marriage, but I can't help thinking about it when I think of Hell.

     Have you ever been commended for your charisma?  There's God, The Almighty, The Creator, The Ruler of the Universe, and hardly anyone listens to him.  But there you are not as powerful as God, and almost everyone listens to you.  What's your secret?  A better understanding of human nature than God's?

     I'm going to stop now.  All this letter-writing is tiresome.  I'm telling you this to give you a heads up.  My hands will be idle.  Got any ideas?

SPEECH BUBBLES

  

  

ALL ABOUT GAWK

"Why did the gawk cross the road?"
"Why?"
"To stare on the other side."

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Gawk."

"Gawk who?"

"Aren't you supposed to say 'Yahoo' when you're happy?"

"How many gawks does it take to change a light bulb?"

"How many?"

"Two.  One to change the bulb and the other to gawk."

HEADLINE:  GAWK CHARGED FOR STEALING STARES

"What does a gawk see when it gawks?"

"I don't know."

"Whatever it is gawking at."

If God was a gawk, then his holy book would be The Eyeble.

HEADLINE:  GAY GAWK FIGHTS FOR SAME-STARE MARRIAGE

A gawk walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What are you gawking at?"

And the gawk says, "Duh . . .  The End?"

ON TERRORISTS AND SUICIDE BOMBERS

Do suicide bombers ever buy lottery tickets?


Q:  When is a terrorist not a terrorist?
A:  When he or she is on your side.


Is marriage a form of terrorism? 


Q:  How can you spot a group of optimistic suicide bombers?
A:  When you see them buying green bananas, and reading copies of Tolstoy's War and Peace.


Q:  Why did the terrorist cross the road?
A:  To bomb a chicken on the other side.


Q:  Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:  To get away from the terrorist.


Disappointment is when a suicide bomber dies and goes to Heaven, and is immediately met my 72 wrinkled old nuns.  


Q:  Why won't terrorists go to the moon?
A:  No buildings to bomb.


Terrorists would make their lives so much easier if they simply gave up their beliefs.

 

LINKS ON A CHAIN AND OTHER UNCONNECTED STUFF

How do links on a chain know which one is the weakest?

*

Are stormy marriages caused by climate change?

*

A house divided against itself . . . 
equals one?

*

A penny saved isn't much these days.

*

*

A leopard can't change its spots, but its mood swings are a different story.

*

Where is the thousand-word painting done by A. Picture?

*

 

 If the beholder wants to see, then it better have an eye surgeon remove beauty.

WHAT? MORE ACTIVIST GROUPS?

Insects Against Spider Webs (IASW)


Hallucinations Against Reality (HAR)


Talking Dogs Against Barking And Other Uncivilized Sounds) (TDABAOUS)


Babies Against Adults Who Make Silly Faces And Stupid Noises (BAAWSFASN)


Love Against Marriage (LAM)


Body Fat Against Diets (BFAD)


Demons Against Sunday School (DASS)


Plagiarism Against Originality (PAO) 


Endings For Beginnings Which Lead To Endings
(EFBWLTE)

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

"What does this picture have to do with questions and answers?"
"Who knows?"


"Will public transit have delays in the afterlife?"
"Probably.  Things take an eternity  over there."


"Is it possible to find a higher love?"
"Yes, with a willing partner you can find it on an airplane."


"Are women equal to men?"
"No, women are superior."  


"What are human beings?"
"Everything, including Earth, can get incurable diseases."


"What's the difference between natural health and health?"
"Natural health is natural."


"Why?"
"Because."


"Are flying saucers real?"
"Ask anyone in a stormy marriage."



"When will it all end?"
"Now." 

A SHORT STORY

Once upon a time there was a woman named Agnes.  No one would go out with Agnes because she was so ugly.

(How ugly was she?

 She was so ugly that the moon ran away when she howled at it.)

Poor Agnes wanted to go out on dates and eventually get married.  But no one wanted anything to do with her.  As a last resort, Agnes made a deal with the devil.  She agreed to give Satan her soul if he would make her beautiful.

"No problem," said Satan.  "When you wake up tomorrow you will be beautiful.  Everyone will want to be with you."

Agnes was so excited she found it hard to fall asleep.  "Wow," she thought, "I'm going to be beautiful!"

The next day Agnes got up early and looked in the mirror.  She looked the same!  Nothing had changed.  She immediately summoned Satan.

"I trusted you!" she said.  "You promised to make me beautiful and I still look the same."

"That's true," said Satan.  "I did not change your appearance, but check your bank account."

Agnes checked her bank account.  It contained over 3 billion dollars!  Within a short time Agnes was going out on many, many dates.  She ended up marrying her bank manager.  They lived abundantly ever after.

THE AND 

(Pun intended)

DO I HAVE TOO MUCH HANS ON MY TIME?

Do I have to much Hans on my time?  I do whenever my fat neighbor Hans sits on my watch.

I never know when Hans is going to show up.  He never calls.  He knocks at my door.  When I answer he asks, "May I sit on your watch?"  I let him in.  I take off my watch.  He sits on it and smiles.  After several minutes, he gets up and leaves thanking me on his way out.

I always think of questions while Hans is on my time:

What does the moon eat to get full?

Do whores love their work?

Why do I keep falling asleep when I read books about insomnia?

Are marriage and serenity compatible?

Can a void be organic?

Does Nothing have an identity crisis when it is Impossible?

Why am I afraid to ask Hans why he enjoys sitting on my time?

WHY I LEFT MY MARRIAGE

I promised my wife that I would love her until the end of time.  After that, I planned to find someone else.  I did not keep my promise, and left the marriage before the end of time.  Here are the reasons I left:

•  I experienced post-traumatic stress disorder every time we had sex.
•  I kept failing at following orders.
• The United Nations was going to start charging us for the peacekeepers deployed in our home.
• I felt that I was in a handbasket going somewhere, but did not know where. 
• I was tired of doing mood-disorder research.
• Our marriage interfered with the neighborhood's happiness.
•  I could not get used to staying in the doghouse during the winter.

And, finally, I left my marriage because I caught my wife in bed with the cow next door.

UNNATURAL ACTS WITH NOODLES (PLUS OTHER TOPICS NOT RELATED TO NOODLES)

THE OTHER CHRISTMAS SCENES

*EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT DEATH, BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK

*Well, not everything

Q:  Why did Death cross the road?

A:  It was following a chicken whose time was near.

Death walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

Death says, "I'll have you."

"Me?" says the bartender.  "Me?  But I'm not a drink."

"That's okay," says Death, "I'm not thirsty."

Death cares not whether

You're young or old

When Death visits you

You'll soon be cold

And stiff 

And rotting

And smelly

And not much fun to be with 

 

The only problem with Death is that all of its decisions are final.