This Might Make You Laugh . . .

Buddha walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"

And Buddha said, "I am Here and it is Now.  That is enough."

Santa has a problem.  How does he gift-wrap holes for the worms and buttons on his list?

Will the word "discontinued" ever be discontinued?

I am constipated.  For Christmas, I hope Santa gives me an enema.

My psychiatrist keeps telling me that the voices in my head are not real.  But he had no problem accepting the Christmas gift they bought for him.  And what did the voices in my head buy my psychiatrist?  A box of mixed nuts.

Is Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer an alcoholic?

(Worth Repeating)

The aliens messed with my memory.  They gave me an anal probe and now I can't remember shit!

"Here and Now is fine," said the bartender, "but you are Buddha and for you the drinks are on the house."

"Which house?" asked Buddha.

The bartender told him which house.  Buddha left the bar, located the house, climbed up to the roof and had a few drinks.

After several drinks, Buddha stood up on the roof and shouted,

"Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened.  But your life will be shortened if you light candles with the gas on.

"Work out your own salvation, and keep the paperwork for tax purposes.

"The universe itself is change and life itself is but what you make it.  And you will be better off if you have lots of money."

The police arrested Buddha for Causing a Disturbance.  While in jail, Buddha's cellmate was a big black guy named Bubba.  Bubba was doing time for Unarmed Robbery.  Buddha became Bubba's bitch.  They plan to marry once they are released. 

Not All About Christmas

"Why did Christmas cross the road?"
"Why?"
"To meet Merry on the other side."


"What did Christmas say to Merry?"
"What?"
"Christmas said, 'We belong together.' "

Christmas walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"
And Christmas said, "I would like Peace on Earth and Goodwill to All."
"You're crazy!" screamed the bartender and the bouncer threw Christmas out.

"How many Christmases does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How many?"
"Two.  One to change the light bulb and the other to go shopping."

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas who?"

"Merry Christmas to you."

CHRISTMAS QUESTIONS

Is Christmas getting close when you see red squirrels eating green nuts?



Doesn't Santa violate privacy laws by keeping a list of who is naughty and nice?



Why don't Santa and Mrs. Claus have children?  Is Santa too busy with the elves?



Should Rudolph get paid more than the other reindeer?



Do Santa's elves have a dental plan?



How old is Santa, and when is he going to retire?



Does reindeer poop contribute to climate change?



Does Santa deliver toys around the world in one night without having to go to the bathroom?



Has Santa ever used a razor?



Are Santa and Mrs. Claus renting, or do they own their North Pole home?



What is Mrs. Claus' first name?


Is it Christmas yet?
(Just 31 days away)

THEY SAID WHAT?

 

EXCUSES FOR NOT WRITING THIS BLOG

I am too confused to write.  I feel as if I am a Caitlyn Jenner trapped in a Gary Johnston.  

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I cannot write.  I don't have a writer's licence.

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I am too busy thinking up excuses for not writing.

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My pen ran out of ink and I don't have enough money to buy a refill.

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I am too busy Christmas shopping.  (There are only 201 days left.)

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I am too busy not being on vacation to write.

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The dog ate my ideas.

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Too busy hanging out with my laundry.

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And the final excuse I am not writing this blog?  I have nothing to say.

THE OTHER CHRISTMAS SCENES

FOUR PICTURES THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH CHRISTMAS

 

 



 

THERE ARE ONLY . . .

 

AND BEFORE I CLOSE . . . 

 

 

THE UNIVERSAL SHOULD MANUAL

The Universal Should Manual sets out what you should do to have a normal life.  Author Rupert T. Hormone is an authority on everything --  including how to be an authority on everything.  He saw how people worried over what is normal, and what they should do to be normal.  He wrote The Universal Should Manual to relieve this concern.  Here are some excerpts:

On How To Keep Socks:
"You should always file your socks in alphabetical order.  Keeping socks any other way is not normal."

On Chewing Food:
"You should always chew your food seventy-three times before swallowing.  This seventy-three times applies to everyone.  Size, gender and age do matter when it comes to chewing food."

On Feelings:

"Never feel what you are feeling -- unless it is what you should  be feeling.
For example, you should feel happy at Christmas.  If you feel sad, then you should stop feeling sad and feel happy.  Feeling happy at Christmas is normal."

On Love:
‎"Love in a relationship should happen after being together one year, three months, two weeks, five days, eleven hours and forty-seven seconds. If love happens before this time, then things are happening too fast. If love happens after this time, then things are happening too slow."

On When to Act:

"You should always wait until conditions are perfect in your life, and that you know everything there is to know before you do, or commit to anything."


Rupert T. Hormone says that people should read his book by looking at each page, and interpreting and understanding the words line by line.
  
The Universal Should Manual, by Rupert T. Hormone, is available where it should be. 

MERRY MADNESS!

Instead of saying "Merry Christmas," my good friend Kinga Burjan wishes people "Merry Madness."

Madness!  What a wonderful word to describe this time of the year!  Stores full of people rushing about spending money they don't have.  People going to places they do not want to go to to be with people they do not want to be with.  Madness, indeed!

What causes this madness?  Guilt-ridden obligations.  People are anxious and stressed over following their guilt-ridden obligations -- things they think they should do because it is Christmas.

One of the things people feel they are supposed to do is be happy and joyful.  They do not feel happy and joyful.  They feel anxious and stressed out.  But because it is Christmas they think they should feel happy and joyful.   So anxious and stressed-out people pretend to be happy and joyful.  No wonder liquor flows more freely at Christmas.

I stopped the madness this year.  I only bought gifts for people I wanted to buy gifts for.  I did not go to any places I did not want to go to.  I chose to spend Christmas Day alone.  I sat on a park bench and stared at the sky.  How wonderful that I did not have to do anything I did not want to do!

I will be asked, in the coming days, "How was your Christmas?"

"Fantastic!  It was the best Christmas I've ever had!"

"Really?  Where did you go?"

"On Christmas Day I went to a park and sat on a bench and stared at the sky."

"You what?"

"I sat on a park bench and stared at the sky."

"Alone?"

"No, the voices in my head were with me."

"Have you lost your marbles?"

"Yes I have.  And that makes me marbleless."


A Merry Madness to all!

 

WHO SAID WHAT?

"Do you pollinate?" asked the flower.


"I always speak the truth -- except when I lie," said the politician.


"I'll be home for Christmas," said Santa.  "But I may be late."


"I am nothing without you,"  said the lamp to the plug.


"I easily gain weight when I eat couch potatoes," said the cannibal.


"I love getting stuff dirt cheap," said the earthworm.


"You're black!" said the pot to the kettle.


"I am an early version of you," said Failure to Success.


"Am I nuts?"  asked the cashew.
"I don't think so," said the peanut.


"Stop scraping my bottom!" said the barrel.


"Is this The End?" asked The Beginning.
"I hope so," said My Blog.  "The barrel wants us to stop."

"DID YOU HAVE A NICE CHRISTMAS?"

"Did you have a nice Christmas?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I  spent it with my family."