Something Offensive for Easter

"Why did the cross cross the road?"

"Why?"

"Because Jesus crossed the road."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Judas?"

"Judas who?"

"Judas Iscariot."

"I'll let you in, but don't you dare kiss me."

Jesus walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What?  Is it the end of the world?"

"No," said Jesus.  "Could I use the phone.  I want to call someone to go to my tomb and pick up the eggs the Easter Bunny left for me."

Not All About Christmas

"Why did Christmas cross the road?"
"Why?"
"To meet Merry on the other side."


"What did Christmas say to Merry?"
"What?"
"Christmas said, 'We belong together.' "

Christmas walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"
And Christmas said, "I would like Peace on Earth and Goodwill to All."
"You're crazy!" screamed the bartender and the bouncer threw Christmas out.

"How many Christmases does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How many?"
"Two.  One to change the light bulb and the other to go shopping."

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas who?"

"Merry Christmas to you."

Complaints, Quotes and Thoughts

"Hey!  What does this picture have to do with complaints, quotes and thoughts?"
"Nothing.  I could not find a picture to suit the title, and I love bananas."

"I don't mind him sucking my neck, but he spilled blood all over my new evening dress."

- A woman complaining to The Vampire Association.

"I wish there was a place where we could exchange our president."

- A U.S. citizen

"Gawd!  I have to smile and pretend I like this event."

- Queen Elizabeth II

"Wait a minute.  These nails are rusted.  Haven't you got new ones?"

- Jesus to the Romans

"I think I'll quit this job and become a marriage counselor."

- Henry VIII

"I won't be writing any notes with either foot."

- An exhausted dancer

"Too bad we don't have a union.  These hours are killing me!"

- Florence Nightingale

"I wish people wouldn't split us and just buy us as a bunch."

- A banana

"Is this the best you can do?"

"Yeah."

"Perhaps should consider a career in Accounting."

WHAT THEIR HOROSCOPE SAID

Abraham Lincoln on April 14, 1865:

Expect the unexpected.  Things may end for you sooner than you think.



Thomas Edison on the day he invented the light bulb:

It's a favorable time for new ideas.  The moon is in the outhouse.  Don't give up.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.



Julius Caesar March 15, 44 BC:

Others will show you what they think.  Don't take it personally. 



John F. Kennedy on November 22, 1963:

You are popular.  Smile, and kiss your ass goodbye.



The Titanic on April 15, 1912:

An unexpected introduction leaves you with that sinking feeling.  Relax.  You're about to go down in history.


Jesus sometime in 33 AD:

Don't worry if people try to nail you.  Soon you will rise above it.



The Wolf Man once a month:

The full moon marks the start of a period when you show off.  Enjoy yourself, but keep away from silver bullets.



Funny Bone Technician on November 3, 2016:

Don't get carried away.  Know when to stop. Leave your audience wanting more.

GOALS

"My goals in life are to eat, drink and be merry.  I will eat and drink now, and be merry after my sex-change operation," said Poindexter Diddle.


"My goal in life is to always remember never to forget," said Elmer Elephant. 


"My goal is to write books people won't understand," said James Joyce. 


"My goal in life is never to get cross with people," said Jesus.


"My goal is never to meet my partner," said Lawrence Parallel Line.


"My goal in life is to smell even if I don't have a nose," said Rose Rose.


"My goal is to ribbet ribbet," said Frankie Frog.


"My goal in life is to last forever," said Donald Dodo Bird.


"My goal is to create beings that are ignorant and savage and always find excuses to kill each other," said God.

WHAT A GORGEOUS WOMAN!

Wow!  What a gorgeous woman!  Should I ask her to marry me, or save my proposal for another time?  I think I will leave my proposal for another time and distract myself by  asking questions . . .


Was Abraham Lincoln upset that he didn't see the end of the play?


Can a grave die?


Does the moon go crazy when it's full?


Does Dracula prefer his blood with red or white wine?


Can I make a difference teaching rabbits birth control?


Has anyone ever heard a crooked crocodile crow while crying crocodile tears?


Did Jesus carry documents to prove he was the Son of God?


Do trees study to become pencils?


How big a ruler would I need to rule the world?


Would I look good in a tight, black dress?


Is Nowhere near here?


Can I stop distracting myself now?

WHAT DID JESUS GET HIS FATHER FOR FATHER'S DAY?

What did Jesus get his father for Father's Day?  Ties?  Probably not.  His father only wears a long white robe and has no need for ties.  

Since there is nothing mentioned in The Bible about what Jesus bought his father, for Father's Day, we can only guess:


- A Calvin Klein robe to replace the robe his father has worn for centuries?

- Another religion?  Perhaps one that everyone can believe in?

- A pollution-free planet?

- An honest politician no government wants or can use?

- A coffee mug that reads: Greatest Dad In The
Universe? 

- A gPhone, instead of an iPhone, with the g standing for God?

- A Superdad T shirt?

Perhaps Jesus did not buy anything for his father, for Father's Day, because his father does not exist.  If Jesus' father does not exist, then there's a good chance that Jesus does not exist.  If Jesus does not exist, then we know what he bought his father for Father's Day.

THREE UNLIKELY . . .

JUSTICE MINISTER PETER MACKAY QUITS GOVERNMENT TO JOIN ISIS 

Canadian Justice Minister Peter Mackay announced that he is quitting his cabinet post to join ISIS.  MacKay claims he was radicalized under Prime Minister Stephen Harper.  MacKay said that he will fight terrorism by joining ISIS.

BILL AND HILLARY CLINTON MAKE LOVE

For the first time in centuries former president Bill Clinton and presidential candidate Hillary Clinton had sex.  Both said that it was like a new experience.  When asked whether they would make love again Hillary said, "Not for a long time.  I would not want to get pregnant since the job of president does not offer maternity leave."

SON OF GOD RETURNS

 Jesus, the Son of God, returned today much to the surprise of many Christians.  But before they could celebrate Jesus said, "Don't get happy.  I'm not staying.  I only returned to get my wallet with my driver's licence.  I forgot it when I left two thousand years ago, and I don't want to the police to give me a ticket." 

ON ZOMBIES

Do zombies have beds, or do they sleep in their coffins?

Do military zombies march instead of walk?

Beware of zombies selling brains in a basket.  You never know where the basket came from.

 Zombie on phone:  I'm sorry, but I can't come to your brain bake.  I just cut off my head and can't do a thing with it.

Could a zombie be his or her own ancestor?

Jesus turned Lazarus into a zombie, and then Jesus waited until Easter before becoming one himself.

 

SIGNS YOU WILL NEVER SEE II

*EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT DEATH, BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK

*Well, not everything

Q:  Why did Death cross the road?

A:  It was following a chicken whose time was near.

Death walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

Death says, "I'll have you."

"Me?" says the bartender.  "Me?  But I'm not a drink."

"That's okay," says Death, "I'm not thirsty."

Death cares not whether

You're young or old

When Death visits you

You'll soon be cold

And stiff 

And rotting

And smelly

And not much fun to be with 

 

The only problem with Death is that all of its decisions are final.

 

SANITARY NAPKINS IN A BLOG WITH JESUS?

WHY?

Why is the Monday after Easter Sunday a holiday?   Did Jesus need a day to recover after rising from the dead?

Why is water wet?   Would we save time if water was dry?

Why does bus rhyme with Gus?  Why doesn't bus rhyme with orange?

Why is hot not hot when it's cold?  Why is cold not cold when it's hot? 

Why don't bad smells bother dogs?

Why don't dreams get released on DVD's?

Why aren't more lies true?

Why is why why?  Why isn't why x or z?

Why is it so hard to blog with limited Internet access?



FOUR PICTURES THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH CHRISTMAS

 

 



 

THE DAY BEFORE EASTER

Twas the day before Easter and all through the tomb
Not a creature was stirring in that cold dark room.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.
The above line is not supposed to be there.

Jesus was nestled all snug in his bed
While visions of wooden crosses danced in his head.
Mary in her 'kerchief, and Joseph in his cap
Were wishing and hoping their son would come back.

  

 

Once again, this was Good for me.  Was it Good for you?

GOOD? FRIDAY

As a kid I thought, "Why do they call this Good Friday?  How was it good for Jesus?"  I did not know about the various theories stating that Good may have come from Good meaning God or Holy. 

It was Good Friday was good for Jesus -- if he was a masochist.

It was Good Friday for the vendors who sold pizza, peanuts, popcorn, potato chips, pop and beer to the crowds that gathered to watch Jesus on parade, and then attend the Crucifixion.

It was Good Friday for the Roman Centurions who racked up the overtime.

So, we have Good Friday and Easter Sunday.  What about Saturday?  How come Saturday doesn't get to enhance its name at Easter.  How about Good Saturday?  Sad Saturday?  Easter Eve?  Hurry-Up-Tomorrow Saturday? 

This was Good for me.  Was it Good for you?

I WISH SOMEONE WOULD READ THIS