THREE UNLIKELY . . .

JUSTICE MINISTER PETER MACKAY QUITS GOVERNMENT TO JOIN ISIS 

Canadian Justice Minister Peter Mackay announced that he is quitting his cabinet post to join ISIS.  MacKay claims he was radicalized under Prime Minister Stephen Harper.  MacKay said that he will fight terrorism by joining ISIS.

BILL AND HILLARY CLINTON MAKE LOVE

For the first time in centuries former president Bill Clinton and presidential candidate Hillary Clinton had sex.  Both said that it was like a new experience.  When asked whether they would make love again Hillary said, "Not for a long time.  I would not want to get pregnant since the job of president does not offer maternity leave."

SON OF GOD RETURNS

 Jesus, the Son of God, returned today much to the surprise of many Christians.  But before they could celebrate Jesus said, "Don't get happy.  I'm not staying.  I only returned to get my wallet with my driver's licence.  I forgot it when I left two thousand years ago, and I don't want to the police to give me a ticket." 

I MUST BE GETTING OLD . . .

I must be getting old.  One of the  highlights of my day is lining a cookie sheet with aluminum foil.

I get tired after brushing my hair.

I think about having sex, and then I fall asleep

I go to the bathroom every morning -- and then I get out of bed.

I can remember when Santa Claus was a clean-shaven thin man.

I get excited listening to my hair grow.

I started using makeup from a funeral home.

I get out of breath while reading.

Sometimes I can't find my way home after putting out the garbage.

Occasionally I have to look at my driver's licence when someone asks me my name.

I must be getting old.  My friends keep telling how good I look.  And I keep telling them how good they look.  And  they keep telling  me how good I look.  And I keep telling them how good they look.  And they keep telling me . . .