SPEECH BUBBLES

  

  

QUOTES FROM THINGS THAT CAN'T TALK

"I'm short."

         - Life

"I like it when they blow me."

                                                                - A Forest Fire 

  

"Gawd those people stink!"

                                                                 - A Pile of Garbage

"I'm bored!  Is there more to life than going around the sun?"

                                                                     - Mars

"Hair today and hair tomorrow."

                                                                      - A Comb

"I have myself and still I'm not happy."

                                                                        - Money

"There's got to be more to forever than going on and on and on and on.

                                                                        - Eternity

"Am I all that bad?"

                                                                 - Crime       

"That red planet looks bored."

                                                                 - Earth  

"Will I ever get a job?"

                                                                   - Work

"I wish I had a mind to change."

                                                                   - Whim

"Going.  Going."

                                                             - Gone         

IT'S ABOUT A JOB . . .

"I used to be a horseshoe for a large horse," said the toilet seat.  "Then I went to university and earned a PhD in Waste Management.  Now I work as the Senior Toilet Seat in a washroom at the University of Toronto."

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"I make my money from writing," said  A. Can.  "I recently finished a book titled, How To Collect Garbage."

 *

"When I grow up," said the little girl, "I would like to work as a secret for the CIA."

*

"One day I will have the Moon's job," said the asteroid.  "I would get paid to run around the Earth every month, and cause nutty things to happen when I am full.  What fun, and what a way to stay in shape!"

*

"I would like to be the number 3.  I like to have people counting on me."

*

"How much education do you need to get work as a bathtub?"

*

"I once worked as a bomb, and then BOOM my job was gone."

*

"Has fire, working at any job, ever been fired?"

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"I stopped working as a genius once I got a television."

*

"What education does one need to work as an accident?  A Master's Degree in Chance?"

*

"If you never want to be out of work," said the job counselor, "then get a job as a war."

*

"If I wasn't a funny bone technician," said Gary, "then I would work as a gaudy tie."

EARTH DAY

CAN SUCH THINGS BE?

FLYING PIG BECOMES HAM PILOT

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Sign in a cemetery:

  

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PEDESTRIAN HIT - DOG CHARGED WITH DANGEROUS DRIVING

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Ad - Gain Weight With Weight Watchers!

Are you too skinny?  Looking to gain weight?

Weight Watchers has a plan for you . . . 

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GARBAGE CAN CHARGED WITH LITTERING AFTER THROWING AWAY HUMAN BEING!


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MILITARY-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX GOES BANKRUPT BECAUSE PEOPLE REFUSE TO HATE AND GO TO WAR!

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I'M SO LONELY . . .

How lonely are you? 

I'm so lonely, I have a party every time the mailman comes. 
 
I'm so lonely, I keep my library books late so the librarians will call me.
  
I'm so lonely, I look forward to traffic jams so I can meet people.
 
I'm so lonely, I party with the cockroaches in my place.
 
I'm so lonely, I look for lineups to stand in just to be with people.
 
I'm so lonely, I take my bicycle out to fancy restaurants.  (Most times they won't let my bicycle in because it's not wearing a tie.)
 
I'm so lonely, I buy myself gifts pretending someone else bought them.
 
I'm so lonely, I keep my garbage for company.
 
I'm so lonely I pay my friends to visit me.
 
I'm so lonely, I lose THE END just to talk to the people at Lost and Found.

IDEAS TO IMPROVE THE WORLD

Make terrorists study acupuncture and put needles in their bombs.  The bombs may still destroy buildings, but bombing victims will feel better.

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Instead of paying politicians a salary, pay them for each time they tell the truth.

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To  stop littering, give people tickets to theaters and sporting events in exchange for their garbage.

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Have time limits for wars as there are in any game.  If a war isn't won in 24 hours, then it ends in a tie.

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Pass a law that all junk food must be organic.

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Change the laws so that no one can go on strike without first getting permission from his or her employer.

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And finally, to make the world a better place, prohibit blogs like this one.

SIGNS YOU WILL NEVER SEE II

I MUST BE GETTING OLD . . .

I must be getting old.  One of the  highlights of my day is lining a cookie sheet with aluminum foil.

I get tired after brushing my hair.

I think about having sex, and then I fall asleep

I go to the bathroom every morning -- and then I get out of bed.

I can remember when Santa Claus was a clean-shaven thin man.

I get excited listening to my hair grow.

I started using makeup from a funeral home.

I get out of breath while reading.

Sometimes I can't find my way home after putting out the garbage.

Occasionally I have to look at my driver's licence when someone asks me my name.

I must be getting old.  My friends keep telling how good I look.  And I keep telling them how good they look.  And  they keep telling  me how good I look.  And I keep telling them how good they look.  And they keep telling me . . .