If The Dead Could Talk . . .

What would our loved ones say at their funeral visitations or funerals?

"Does this coffin make my ass look big?"

"Could you people keep the noise down?  I'm trying to rest in peace."

"What are you gawking at?"

"Of course I don't look like myself.  I'm dead!"

"Great!  You're visiting me now.  Why didn't you visit me while I was alive?"

"You can close the lid, I'm not claustrophobic."

"I gotta loosen up.  I'm feeling a little stiff."

"Does anyone know how to get to the Zombie Club?"

"Death, what a trip!"

HOW TO GET RICH

The following are surefire ways to get rich:


- Win the lottery;


- Have lots of money;


- Invest money in the sock market;
(The sock market is a shoo-in.)


- Sell your brains to zombies;
(Make sure you don't need them.)


- Start a life insurance company and sell life insurance policies to immortals;
(Their premiums will never stop, and you will never have to payout.)


- Ask Warren Buffett for lots of money;


- Pretend you're rich;


 and finally,

 
If you want to be rich, then never spend any money ever again.  Never!  

MAN'S BEST FRIEND

Have kennels gone to the dogs?

Are zombies thoughtless when they walk their dogs in cemeteries?

Do dogs have safety deposit boxes with bones in them?

Where does a dog carry its wallet?

Was Lee Harvey Osdog the lone assassin? 

I WAS WONDERING . . .

Does a clock ever ask the time?


Can you repair a broken promise?

Do clowns wear makeup to look natural?

 

Do cell phones ever get irritated hearing people talk?

Which universities do thermometers attend to get their degrees? 

Is Twice lucky because lightning leaves it alone?


Should zombies worry about body odor?

Does a question give you something to ask?


Can I go now?

CAN SUCH THINGS BE?

FLYING PIG BECOMES HAM PILOT

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Sign in a cemetery:

  

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PEDESTRIAN HIT - DOG CHARGED WITH DANGEROUS DRIVING

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Ad - Gain Weight With Weight Watchers!

Are you too skinny?  Looking to gain weight?

Weight Watchers has a plan for you . . . 

***

GARBAGE CAN CHARGED WITH LITTERING AFTER THROWING AWAY HUMAN BEING!


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MILITARY-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX GOES BANKRUPT BECAUSE PEOPLE REFUSE TO HATE AND GO TO WAR!

***

  

SOME CLASSIFIED ADS YOU WILL ONLY SEE HERE . . .

FOR SALE - One broken sewing machine.  Great for not making repairs to clothing.  Also makes a great paperweight.  Call Isaac Singer at . . . 


FOR SALE - Fallen snow.  Buy it before it melts!  Call Frosty at . . . 

FOR SALE - Used flying saucer.  Low light-years.  Great condition.  Used for abductions, anal probes and baking moon-crater cupcakes.  Asking 1 million dollars, or best offer.  Call Zork telepathically when the Moon is in the Seventh House.

FOR SALE - Killer Zombies.  Great for getting rid of bad neighbors.  Price - A pound of flesh or some brains.  Call Igor after midnight at . . .

FOR SALE - Armageddon.  Brand New!  Never used.  Great alternative when you need a Mental Health Day from work and do not want to use up your sick time.  Priceless, but no reasonable offer refused.  Call Antichrist at 666 666 6666.

ON ZOMBIES

Do zombies have beds, or do they sleep in their coffins?

Do military zombies march instead of walk?

Beware of zombies selling brains in a basket.  You never know where the basket came from.

 Zombie on phone:  I'm sorry, but I can't come to your brain bake.  I just cut off my head and can't do a thing with it.

Could a zombie be his or her own ancestor?

Jesus turned Lazarus into a zombie, and then Jesus waited until Easter before becoming one himself.

 

SOME JOB INTERVIEW QUESTIONS YOU WILL NEVER BE ASKED

Are you a serial killer?  (If so, then do we have to worry about losing staff if we hire you?)

How do you feel about Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle?

Have you ever seen a ghost using a cell phone during a haunting?

How would you describe your guts?

Do you work well during nuclear wars?

Are you suicidal?  

Is there a God?  

Do you start to smell if you haven't washed for three months?

Would you rather be liked, or licked? 

What about your salary?  Were you expecting to be paid with money?

Can you scratch your head and rub your belly at the same time?

Do you work well with zombies?
  
Did you know that The boss is not always right, but she is always the boss?

Where will you be 347 years from now?

Is Gary Johnston the best thing since the invention of lubricants for enema nozzles?

I WANT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT EVERYTHING . . .

I want to complain about everything, but I don't know where to begin.

Why does this picture have nothing to do with this blog?

 
Why are books made into movies?  Why can't they just let them be books?

Why are Blackberry keypads so small?

Why is Dracula so bloody ugly?   

Why don't zombies use deodorant?
 
Why doesn't hair fall out of my armpits and crotch instead of my head?

Why do I cry when I spill milk?

Why does this blog have to end when I was just getting started?