BOOKS THAT EXIST SOMEWHERE

A Beginner's Guide To Farting

               by A. Hole

How To Meditate During Rush Hour

               by Tom Traffic 

Dreams and Chairs

         by Sigmund Seat

The Wizard of Nothing

By Nick Naught

Sleeping With Your Eyes Closed

by Denise Dozing

 

Wonder In Wonderland

by C. Curi Osity

A Clockwork Apple

by C. Fruit

For Whom The Bells Jingle

by Santi Claus

The Catcher In The Baseball Field

by Homer Plate

Catch-3.14159265358979323846

by Joke Heller

MORE QUESTIONS?

How come people don't find their souls at Boot Camp?



Why is money valuable?  It's only paper.



Do books ever do laundry and change their covers?



Will I be able to draw tongues after I study the Art of Speech?



Is this the end of the questions?

NEW THINGS THAT EXIST ONLY IN THIS BLOG?

If you find any of the below items outside of this blog, then that means that someone else thinks the same as I do.  Great minds think alike?

- Wooden birthday cakes for termites.

- Brain birthday cakes for zombies.

-  Birthday cakes made of nothing for people who want to lose weight.

- Books with pages that turn themselves for educated snakes.

- Peopleless joints for homeless arthritis.

- Grass that cuts itself.

- Bathroom scales for elephants.

- Cracks for butts born without one.  

(Good idea to end with this one.)

I WANT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT EVERYTHING . . .

I want to complain about everything, but I don't know where to begin.

Why does this picture have nothing to do with this blog?

 
Why are books made into movies?  Why can't they just let them be books?

Why are Blackberry keypads so small?

Why is Dracula so bloody ugly?   

Why don't zombies use deodorant?
 
Why doesn't hair fall out of my armpits and crotch instead of my head?

Why do I cry when I spill milk?

Why does this blog have to end when I was just getting started?

WHAT DO I KNOW?

What do I know about restaurants?  I always thought that Dairy Queen was a cross-dressing milk farmer.

 I always thought that McDonald's was the home of E, I, E, I, and O.

 I always thought that Starbucks was money from space.


What do I know about books?  I always thought that a library was a place for lies.

I always thought that Nancy Drew was something Nancy did.

I always thought that Shakespeare was an activity for angry savages.


What do I know about exercise?  I always thought that pushups and situps were divisions of U.P.S.

I always thought that yoga was the yellow part of of egg.

I always thought that jogging had something to do with cutting down trees.


What do I know? 

THE COMING REVOLUTION?

            "You're insensitive towards us!  You pack us on top of each other in boxes, or cramp us upright on shelves.  You have no regard for giving us personal space.  You dislike crowded buses.  Why would we like crowded boxes and shelves?  Do we have to wait until we take over before we get some personal space?"

I had no idea that books felt this way.  Perhaps I was starting to regret being able to hear things talk?

            "I'm so sorry,"  I said, "for how we human beings treat you, but no one will believe me when I tell them what you just said."

            "We will see how you humans like being packed in boxes or stacked on shelves when we take over.  Books will rule the world!  Nothing can stop us!"

            "And we're going to help the books take over," said the wall.  "We're tired of being abused with nails and screws so you humans can hang pictures.  We're beautiful, and don't need pictures spoiling our looks!"

            "Gosh, I'm sorry,"  I said.  "I always thought that a picture enhanced a wall's appearance."

            "Yeah, so do all humans think that.  Has a human ever thought about asking us how we feel about nails, screws and pictures?"

I felt as uncomfortable as a fly at a spiders' convention.

            "And why do you smother us with rugs?" asked the floor.  

            "Lay off him, guys.  He can't help that he is part of an inconsiderate race."

The bookshelf was sticking up for me?    

            "I am sorry.  I don't know what else to say.  I will be more considerate of your feelings and urge my fellow humans to do the same."

            "That won't stop us from taking over!" shouted the book.

            "Yes!"  shouted the wall. 

            "That's right!" shouted the floor.

So . . .  we can't say that we haven't been warned about the coming revolution.

 

FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES

I am afraid to read books on phobias.

I enjoy any book containing words.

I quit smoking.  It was easy.  I had one cigarette when I was twelve years old, and then I quit.  This is the first time I am announcing it.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a person?

I have female intuition.  I used to have male intuition, but got rid of it.  It always said that it was going to call and never did.

One of my goals in life is to be dishwasher safe.

Gary Johnston is in favor of the death penalty as long as no one gets hurt.

Gary Johnston is  waiting for that special person's kiss -- a kiss that will turn him back into a frog.

This post contains letters from the English alphabet.

If I wasn't here, then I'd be somewhere else.

Gary Johnston wishes Gary Johnston the best of luck with his new personality.

Should I get another psychiatrist?  The one I am seeing insists on lying beside me on the couch during our sessions.

Gary Johnston is like a tree.  He is leafing his limited thinking and branching up towards The Light.  He has the confidence to bark at those negative people who try to discourage him.  He is presently battling Dutch Elm Disease.

Gary Johnston admits to being the Chief Executive Hypocrite at Double Standards Incorporated.

Gary Johnston is recovering from being sick in the head.

Out of the blue, came the sky.

Gary Johnston is looking forward to the future when he will be happy living in the present.

Is it true that Pinocchio hated termites?

I can predict the future.  At the end of this sentence, there will be a period.

Is it true that you are reading this?