ON GETTING OLD

You know you're getting old when reading makes you out of breath.

You know you're getting old when you need to use a walker while having sex.



You know you're getting old when famous people are old enough to be your children.



You know you're getting old when going to the bathroom gives more pleasure than having sex.



"How many old people does it take to change a light bulb?"
"I don't know."
"Just one, but he or she may forget how to do it."



You know you're getting old when you have more wrinkles than hair.



"Why did the old man cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"To forget where he was going on the other side."



You know you're getting old when your parents are older than 347 years.

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Old Age."

"Old Age who?"

"Don't worry, you'll find out soon enough."

NEW THINGS THAT EXIST ONLY IN THIS BLOG?

If you find any of the below items outside of this blog, then that means that someone else thinks the same as I do.  Great minds think alike?

- Wooden birthday cakes for termites.

- Brain birthday cakes for zombies.

-  Birthday cakes made of nothing for people who want to lose weight.

- Books with pages that turn themselves for educated snakes.

- Peopleless joints for homeless arthritis.

- Grass that cuts itself.

- Bathroom scales for elephants.

- Cracks for butts born without one.  

(Good idea to end with this one.)

GLAD I'M NOT LIKE A DOG

I can't imagine being like a dog and having to sniff around before going to the bathroom.  They say that dogs sniff to find out what other dogs have been around, and then let these other dogs know "This is my territory," by peeing or pooping.  How badly do dogs have to pee or poop to spend so much time sniffing and looking for the right spot?

Okay, you have to go to the bathroom badly.  You're bursting at the gut.  You're encountering all kinds of obstacles in your quest to get to a bathroom.  You're on the verge of not making it.  You finally find a bathroom!  You're about to go!   Suddenly you sniff around and say, "Nope!  I can't go here.  This place doesn't smell right."    Still having to go badly -- real badly! -- you start another quest for another bathroom that smells right?  I don't think so!

Dogs sniff each other's butts to find out information about each other.  Two glands around a dog's anus emit a fluid that gives info about the dog's sex, how healthy the dog is, its diet and mood.
 
Sniffing someone's ass to find out stuff is never on my list of things to do.   If I were a dog, then I would simply approach another dog and say, "May I ask you a few questions rather than stick my nose up your ass?"

There must be a dog somewhere looking at us and wondering.  Perhaps this dog is thinking, "I can't imagine being a human and not sniffing other humans.  How do they find out things about each other?  And how hard it must be for them walking around on their hind legs all the time!"

GODZILLA'S CAREER CHANGE?

 

 

 

 

The Road Not Eaten

          Two roads diverged from a yellow banana

          And sorry I could not eat both

          And be one eater and not gain weight, long I stood

          And looked down one as far as I could
          To where it bent in someone's underwear

          Then ate the other, just as fair

          And having perhaps the better brown spots

          Because it was soft and wanted to be a pear 

          Though as for that does not make sense
          But they were both about the same

 

          I shall be telling this with a sigh

          Somewhere ages and ages hence, or perhaps tomorrow:

          Two roads diverged from a yellow banana, and I --

          I ate the one with the better brown spots,

         And that has made all the difference because now I have gas. 

 

                                                       - Godzilla