ON DOGS AND SNIFFING

Why do dogs have to sniff and sniff and sniff before they poop or pee?  How badly do they have to go?

Imagine you have to go badly.  You're bursting at the gut.  You're on the verge of going in your pants.  Finally!  Finally you find a washroom.  Are you going to sniff around and then say, "Nope.  I can't go here.  This place does not smell right."?

THINGS MARK TWAIN NEVER SAID

Mark Twain died Thursday April 21, 1910.  He stopped making speeches shortly after his death.
Here are some quotes from the speeches he never made:


"I'll never be eaten by cannibals.  Never the Twain shall meat."


"Give me liberty, or give me death!  On second thought, give me a hot fudge sundae."  


"To pee, or not to pee?  What is wrong with my bladder?"


"If you cannot do great things, give up."


"I have a dream!  I have a dream!  I have a dream that one day I will be Martin Luther King." 


"You must be the change you wish to see in your pocket."


"Money is the root of all fun."


"That's not all, folks, but it's enough for now."

SPITTING IN A URINAL?

What is it with guys who have to spit in a urinal before they pee in it?  They show no signs of having a cough, or phlegm buildup.  But before one drop of their pee caresses the urinal, they have to hurl a giant spitball in first.  And they do it with such bravado.

Is this the macho thing to do?  Is there something wrong with me because I do not have the urge to spit in a urinal before I pee?  Is this habit the remnant of some ancient ceremony of marking territory?  Did our male ancestors spit to prepare a spot before they peed on it?

If I had the courage, then I would ask a guy, "Why do you spit in the urinal before you pee in it?"   But any guy who feels that he has to spit before he pees may not take kindly to my curiosity.  I am willing to go to my grave never knowing.    

ARE YOU PREGNANT?

This is a true story.  The names have not been changed, to protect the innocent, because there are no names in this story except for Dollarama.  (Dollarama  is a discount dollar store with 800 locations across Canada.)

At one time only doctors administered pregnancy tests.  And then you could buy them at drugstores.  How times have changed!  Pregnancy tests are available at Dollarama. 

A young woman is embarrassed waiting in line at Dollarama.  She is waiting to pay for a pregnancy test kit.  A little unsure she asks the cashier,  "All you do is pee in it?"

The cashier, also embarrassed, nods.

Then the young woman pauses before asking, "Can I return it if it doesn't work?"

GLAD I'M NOT LIKE A DOG

I can't imagine being like a dog and having to sniff around before going to the bathroom.  They say that dogs sniff to find out what other dogs have been around, and then let these other dogs know "This is my territory," by peeing or pooping.  How badly do dogs have to pee or poop to spend so much time sniffing and looking for the right spot?

Okay, you have to go to the bathroom badly.  You're bursting at the gut.  You're encountering all kinds of obstacles in your quest to get to a bathroom.  You're on the verge of not making it.  You finally find a bathroom!  You're about to go!   Suddenly you sniff around and say, "Nope!  I can't go here.  This place doesn't smell right."    Still having to go badly -- real badly! -- you start another quest for another bathroom that smells right?  I don't think so!

Dogs sniff each other's butts to find out information about each other.  Two glands around a dog's anus emit a fluid that gives info about the dog's sex, how healthy the dog is, its diet and mood.
 
Sniffing someone's ass to find out stuff is never on my list of things to do.   If I were a dog, then I would simply approach another dog and say, "May I ask you a few questions rather than stick my nose up your ass?"

There must be a dog somewhere looking at us and wondering.  Perhaps this dog is thinking, "I can't imagine being a human and not sniffing other humans.  How do they find out things about each other?  And how hard it must be for them walking around on their hind legs all the time!"