DEAR DIARY . . . PART I

Dear Diary . . . 

Today I bought a pair of pants for 50 percent off. It had one leg.

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I am happy because I no longer have a mortgage.  Of course I don't own a house and never had a mortgage, but it's nice to know that I no longer have one.

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I love having a credit card.  What fun it is to spend money I hope to have next year!

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The repairman came to fix my air conditioner today. But the repair did not cost me anything because I don't have a house.

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I got a free estimate today.  I don't know what to do with it.

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My closet came out today.  It said that it was gay. I had suspected all along because it was always too clean. 

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Last night I had a dream that I was Martin Luther King.  I felt free at last and then I woke up.

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I'm in love!  It was love at first sight when I looked in the mirror.  I hope I live happily ever after.

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What a busy day!  I built Rome, but don't know what to do with it.

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Today I thought how I will die one day.  How much of a tip should I leave the undertaker?

THINGS MARK TWAIN NEVER SAID

Mark Twain died Thursday April 21, 1910.  He stopped making speeches shortly after his death.
Here are some quotes from the speeches he never made:


"I'll never be eaten by cannibals.  Never the Twain shall meat."


"Give me liberty, or give me death!  On second thought, give me a hot fudge sundae."  


"To pee, or not to pee?  What is wrong with my bladder?"


"If you cannot do great things, give up."


"I have a dream!  I have a dream!  I have a dream that one day I will be Martin Luther King." 


"You must be the change you wish to see in your pocket."


"Money is the root of all fun."


"That's not all, folks, but it's enough for now."

THIS IS NOT A CONSPIRACY THEORY

Michael Jackson does not look like a killer, does he?

He is.  Michael Jackson was behind the assassinations of President John Kennedy, Senator Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King.  Why?  Both Kennedys and Martin Luther King never went to a Jackson Five concert.  This angered Michael to no end.

Michael looked like this when he carried out the killings.  He changed his appearance over the years to keep from getting caught.  Investigators were looking for a black guy with an Afro and not a white lady with long black hair.

Michael managed to evade arrest up until the Spring of 2009.  That's when investigators started putting the pieces of the puzzle together.  It showed Michael Jackson was responsible for all three deaths, and may have been behind 911.  To avoid arrest, Michael Jackson faked his own death.

Michael Jackson is alive and well and living on the Moon where he goes for walks daily.

This is not a conspiracy theory, it is fact.  How do I know?  I have a reliable source: my imagination.