SOME RULES NOT FOUND IN ETIQUETTE BOOKS WITH AN ANNOUNCEMENT

Try not to scream when cannibals are preparing and cooking you for their dinner.  People do not like loud noises before they eat.



Never talk while the cannibals are eating you.  It's impolite for you to talk while their mouths are full.



Never wrap gifts in sandpaper.



Do not pick your nose when being introduced to someone.  Wait until after you are introduced and then pick away.



Never be late for your funeral.  Be considerate of the people who have taken the time to come.



No texting during sex.



Having sex in public is okay as long as you're at an orgy.



It's okay to chew gum in church, but don't blow bubbles.



Never poop your pants unless you are wearing a diaper.




And the announcement . . . 

Mr. and Mrs. Invisible Man are pleased to announce the disappearance of their son Griffin.

 

THINGS MARK TWAIN NEVER SAID

Mark Twain died Thursday April 21, 1910.  He stopped making speeches shortly after his death.
Here are some quotes from the speeches he never made:


"I'll never be eaten by cannibals.  Never the Twain shall meat."


"Give me liberty, or give me death!  On second thought, give me a hot fudge sundae."  


"To pee, or not to pee?  What is wrong with my bladder?"


"If you cannot do great things, give up."


"I have a dream!  I have a dream!  I have a dream that one day I will be Martin Luther King." 


"You must be the change you wish to see in your pocket."


"Money is the root of all fun."


"That's not all, folks, but it's enough for now."

MY HEAD "ROCKS" WITH QUESTIONS

It is not true that rocks don't talk.  The rocks in my head have a lot to say, but mostly they ask questions:

"Do beavers ever get damned tired?"

"Was Oedipus Rex the first person to engage in sexual intercourse with his mother?"

  

"Is there a word for a person who engages in sexual intercourse with mothers?"

"How would cops cope if there were copious crooked cops?"

"What do cannibals pack for lunch?  Ladyfingers?  Esophagus sandwiches?  Bellybutton pudding?

"Would we feel less lonely if more people had rocks in their heads?"

"Can we stop asking questions now?"