OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF ORGANS

"I hate him!  He's such a person."

  - An  Asshole

"Why does he cover me in plastic and push me around in that warm, wet room until I throw up?"

  - A Penis

"She's given me way too much chocolate.  I think I'll give some to her butt and thighs."

    - A Stomach

"Who says that I don't know what it's doing?"

-  A Left Hand about a Right Hand 

"I know I smell.  I'm supposed to smell."

  - A Nose

"Just when I start to get somewhere, she cuts me off!"

  - A Toenail

"I think, therefore he drinks."

  - A Brain

"Why do they call me the rear end when there are legs and feet below me?"

  - A Butt

SOME RULES NOT FOUND IN ETIQUETTE BOOKS WITH AN ANNOUNCEMENT

Try not to scream when cannibals are preparing and cooking you for their dinner.  People do not like loud noises before they eat.



Never talk while the cannibals are eating you.  It's impolite for you to talk while their mouths are full.



Never wrap gifts in sandpaper.



Do not pick your nose when being introduced to someone.  Wait until after you are introduced and then pick away.



Never be late for your funeral.  Be considerate of the people who have taken the time to come.



No texting during sex.



Having sex in public is okay as long as you're at an orgy.



It's okay to chew gum in church, but don't blow bubbles.



Never poop your pants unless you are wearing a diaper.




And the announcement . . . 

Mr. and Mrs. Invisible Man are pleased to announce the disappearance of their son Griffin.

 

EIGHT NINE TEN ELEVEN TWELVE

8

9

 

10

11

12

I SING THE BODY ELECTRIC

UNSUCCESSFUL PICK-UP LINES

"You have such lovely eye balls."
 
"Hey sweetie, can I pick your nose?" 

"Would you like to come back to my place and look at my rash?"

"I love how your ear lobes hold your earrings."

"I have a gut feeling that we were meant to be together --  
  particularly in my bowels. 

"I would love to soak our dentures in the same glass!"

 "I love the way you sneeze on me."

"How quickly do you think I can memorize your telephone
  number?"

"Would you like to run barefoot through the park with me?  We 
  could watch the doggy caca ooze through our toes."

HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT

Cut off your toes.
Cut off your feet.
Cut off your nose.
Stop eating meat.

Cut off your legs.
Cut off your butt.
Stop eating eggs.
What's left to cut?

Cut off your hands.
Cut off your arms.
Don't eat pecans.
Carry no charms.

Still not too thin
After these cuts?
Remove your skin.
Throw out your guts.

What's left of you
Won't gain weight back.
Clothing that's new
Will be a sack.

No arms. No nose.
No legs. No guts.
Don't decompose,
And don't go nuts.