A COURT SCENE

"Would the accused please rise?" said the court clerk.

Gary Johnston stands in the prisoner docket.

The clerk continues, "You, Gary Johnston, on or about the 28th day of February, in the year 2015, did unlawfully write a blog that was not funny contrary to The Funny Bone Blog Act, Section 7, subsection 3.  How do you plead, guilty, or not guilty?"

"Guilty with an explanation," said Gary Johnston.

"What are the facts?" said the judge to the prosecutor.

"Your Honor," said the prosecutor, "Gary Johnston calls himself a funny bone technician and has a blog with that title.
"On February 28, 2015, Gary Johnston wrote a blog about some silly court scene.  The blog was not funny.  No one laughed while reading it.  The blog police, while on patrol, happened to see Gary Johnston's blog.  They arrested him for contravening The Funny Bone Blog Act.  
"These are the facts in this case, Your Honor."

"Are these facts substantially correct, Mr. Johnston?" asked the judge?

"Yes, Your Honor," replied Gary Johnston.

"Then I accept your guilty plea," said the judge.  "You said you have an explanation?"

"Yes, Your Honor."

"Go ahead."

"Well, Your Honor, I thought my blog was funny.  It made me laugh -- not out loud, but I chuckled and smiled a bit.  I had no idea that it was not funny.  I was surprised when the police arrested me."

"Is that it?" asked the judge.

"Yes, Your Honor," replied Gary Johnston.

"Before I pass sentence," said the judge, "what exactly is a funny bone technician?"

"Well, Your Honor," said Gary Johnston, "it's my term for what I do.  I do not like the world's terms such as comic writer or comedian; so I gave myself the term funny bone technician.  I like to define myself with my terms rather than the world's terms."

"I see," said the judge.  And then he looked at the prosecutor and said, "Any record?"

"No, Your Honor," said the prosecutor, "this appears to be the first time Gary Johnston has been convicted of not being funny."

"Since you have no previous record," said the judge, "I will not impose a fine or jail time.  You will not be so lucky if I ever see you in my court again.  You are free to go."

"Thank you, Your Honor," said Gary Johnston.  "Thank you."

GOING TO A PSYCHIATRIST?

"I just can't seem to express myself," says the pen to the psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist examines the pen and says, "You need a new refill."


After an extensive examination, the orange asks the psychiatrists, "Doc, what is wrong with me?"
"I'm afraid that you are going to have to live with this condition for the rest of your life," says the psychiatrist.
"I will?" says the orange.  "What is my problem?"
"And the psychiatrist says, "Your problem is that you don't rhyme with anything."


A psychiatrist sees a bunch of bananas sitting in his waiting room.  He says to them, "Forget about coming in here to see me.  There's nothing I can do for you.  You're bananas!"


A psychiatrist goes to see a psychiatrist and says, "Will you say that I am okay if I say that you are okay?"


A black hole goes to see a psychiatrist  and says, "Every time I get close to something, I suck it up and it disappears."
And the psychiatrist says, "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" and was gone.


A funny bone technician goes to see a psychiatrist and says, "Some days I feel that my blog is funny, and some days I feel that my blog is not funny."
The psychiatrist says, "You could be right." 

 

  

MAGIC WITH NUMBERS, STONEHENGE AND THE PYRAMIDS

Light a candle and place it on a table.

The distance between Stonehenge and The Great Pyramids is 2,183 miles.
Take 2,183 and divide it by pi (3.1415) and you get 694.89098.
Take 694.89098 and divide it by pi and you get 221.19719.
Take 221.19719 and divide it by pi and you get 70.41133.
Take 70.41133 and divide it by pi and you get 22.41328

Fill a container with 22.41328 ounces of water.
Place the container on the table near the candle.
Pause and take several deep breaths relaxing your mind and body.
Make sure you are totally relaxed before doing the next step.

Take the container, containing 22.41328 ounces of water, and pour it over the candle.
Not only will the candle go out, but the table will get wet as well!    Amazing!

CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER STEPHEN HARPER . . .

SEAN KILPATRICK/THE CANADIAN PRESS

"You want the sound of one hand clapping?  Here's the sound of one hand clapping!  Just don't ask me to give you democracy."

AT YOUR SERVICE . . .

What services do I provide?  Many.  Here are some of them:

• To the letters of the alphabet, I provide words.
• To ideas, I provide expression.
• To my Facebook friends, I provide a Wall to write on.
• To my kids and family, I provide embarrassment.
• To my ex-wife, I provide someone to blame.
• To the group Termites Against Steel, I provide my support.
• To the public, I provide someone to judge and feel superior to.
• To the environment, I provide carbon dioxide and other environmentally-friendly stuff.
• To the government,  I reluctantly provide money.
• To various sane and insane voices,  I provide the space inside my head.
• To homeless viruses, germs and diseases,  I provide temporary shelter. 

 And to my fellow human beings, I provide laughter as we trudge towards Eternity where McDonald's, Starbucks, and Walmart wait to welcome us.

LOSE ENDS AND WHATNOT

Is this the box everyone is talking about?

What is inside the box that makes people say, "Think outside the box."

***

The doctor says that I am safe for use in septic systems.   Now what?

***

I saw my shadow on February 2, 2012.  That means we are going to get six more weeks of weather, and that the light was on.

***

Today is February Sixth.   Last year this time it was February Sixth.  Is this a coincidence, or a conspiracy?

***

Does the meaning of life have some thing to with vanilla beans?

***

I am  looking forward to that future day when I will be happy living in the present.

***

I want to move towards a better tomorrow, but I can't figure out how to stop tomorrow from becoming today.

***

Am I a human being having a spiritual experience; a spiritual being having a human experience, or a big brown bald rock?

***

I dream of becoming a famous parking space one day.

***

How can nothing be the matter when matter is not nothing?
How can some thing be the matter when all things are matter?
Do answers to these questions matter?

WHITE HISTORY MONTH - QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q:  There is a Black History Month.  What about White History Month?

A:  White History Month is today, January 31.  The Silly Committee on Race Relations has designated January 31 as White History Month.

Q:  How can White History Month take place in one day?

A:  Given the advantages that white people have over black people, and other visible minorities, The Silly Committee on Race Relations declared that one day of White History is equal to one month of  Black History.  Thus, January 31 is White History Month.  After all, fair is fair.

Q:  What do we celebrate during White History Month?

A:  We celebrate the color white -- especially in underwear.  How important it is to keep our underwear white.  We celebrate white clouds, paper and cotton.  We celebrate the white liberal guilt that created such policies as Equal Opportunity and Affirmative Action.  In addition, we pay homage to all the white people who gave up their jobs so that less-qualified minorities could have work.  Last, and least, we celebrate equality for all.

HAPPY WHITE HISTORY MONTH!

THE UNIVERSAL SHOULD MANUAL

The Universal Should Manual sets out what you should do to have a normal life.  Author Rupert T. Hormone is an authority on everything --  including how to be an authority on everything.  He saw how people worried over what is normal, and what they should do to be normal.  He wrote The Universal Should Manual to relieve this concern.  Here are some excerpts:

On How To Keep Socks:
"You should always file your socks in alphabetical order.  Keeping socks any other way is not normal."

On Chewing Food:
"You should always chew your food seventy-three times before swallowing.  This seventy-three times applies to everyone.  Size, gender and age do matter when it comes to chewing food."

On Feelings:

"Never feel what you are feeling -- unless it is what you should  be feeling.
For example, you should feel happy at Christmas.  If you feel sad, then you should stop feeling sad and feel happy.  Feeling happy at Christmas is normal."

On Love:
‎"Love in a relationship should happen after being together one year, three months, two weeks, five days, eleven hours and forty-seven seconds. If love happens before this time, then things are happening too fast. If love happens after this time, then things are happening too slow."

On When to Act:

"You should always wait until conditions are perfect in your life, and that you know everything there is to know before you do, or commit to anything."


Rupert T. Hormone says that people should read his book by looking at each page, and interpreting and understanding the words line by line.
  
The Universal Should Manual, by Rupert T. Hormone, is available where it should be. 

U.S. MARINES URINATE ON TALIBAN CORPSES

U.S. Marines urinating of Taliban corpses in Afghanistan has been called "inhumane" and "deplorable."  The Pentagon is investigating.

Let me understand this.  In war you can blow human beings to bits. You can shoot them. You can stab them. You can strangle them to death. But it is "inhumane" and "deplorable" if you pee on them after you have murdered them?  Okay.  I get it.                                                      

              www.thestar.com/news/article/1114609

IN CASE OF . . .

WATCH TV

When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me 
Speaking words of wisdom, Watch TV

And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom, Watch TV

Watch TV, Watch TV, Watch TV, Watch TV

There will be a commercial,  Watch TV

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree

There will be a commercial, Watch TV

For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see

There will be a commercial, Watch TV

Watch TV, Watch TV, Watch TV, Watch TV

Speaking words of wisdom, Watch TV

Watch TV, Watch TV, Watch TV, Watch TV

Speaking words of wisdom,  Watch TV

Watch TV, Watch TV, Watch TV, Watch TV

There will be a commercial Watch TV

And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me

It’s coming from the TV, Watch TV

I wake up to the sound of infomercials on my big TV 

Speaking words and showing as I Watch TV

Watch TV, Watch TV, Watch TV, yeah, Watch TV

There will be a commercial, Watch TV

Watch TV, Watch TV, Watch TV, yeah, Watch TV

Speaking words of wisdom, Watch TV

(With apologies to The Beatles)

THE VOICES RETURN

"We're back!"
What took you so long?
"We lost the key of imagination, and got stuck in the shadow and substance of things and ideas in The Twilight Zone.  Traffic was reduced to one lane."
I'm glad you made it back safely.
"It's nice to be back in this vast, open space."
Can you guys take days off in shifts so that all of you don't leave me at once?
"Why?"
That way at least one of you will be there to tell me what to do.  I felt crazy talking to myself when all of  you were gone.
"Okay.  Will do."

THE VOICES TAKE A DAY OFF

I'm not sure what to do.  The voices in my head took today off.  One, or all, usually tell me what to do.  Now what?  I have never heard it so quiet in my head before.

Some friends have offered to lend me the spare voices in their heads.  But people would think I was crazy if they found out that I was listening to the voices in my friends' heads.  I will wait for the voices in my head to return . . .

SOME STUPID THINGS PEOPLE DO . . .

People love kicks that kill them.  The mountains of evidence of the harmful effects of smoking, drinking, and drugs do not deter people from indulging.  "Harmful effects happen to other people, but will never happen to me."  is the attitude.  I suppose this is true.  Hospitals and rehab centers are full of  other people.

Baseball caps and running shoes in winter?  These items are fine in spring, summer and fall.   But in winter with knee-deep, blowing  snow and subzero temperatures, many people are still wearing baseball caps and running shoes!   "It's the style," they say.  Common sense takes a back seat when it comes to being in style.

Nonconformists will join groups to be with other nonconformists.

People will preach that racism and hatred are wrong, but hate racists.

People love going out to restaurants to order homemade food.  How can homemade food be made in any place except the home?                  

Zen calendars for sale?  Zen stresses The Eternal Now.  Doesn't a calendar go against Zen philosophy?  Do people need twenty-four pages of pictures, words, boxes and numbers to remind them that time does not exist?  Apparently so.

People will wear makeup to make themselves look natural.  They wear makeup to make themselves look as if they are not wearing any makeup?

And finally there are those people who blog about stupid things people do.  These bloggers think they are superior to other people, and that they are above and beyond doing stupid things.  How stupid is that?

MERRY MADNESS!

Instead of saying "Merry Christmas," my good friend Kinga Burjan wishes people "Merry Madness."

Madness!  What a wonderful word to describe this time of the year!  Stores full of people rushing about spending money they don't have.  People going to places they do not want to go to to be with people they do not want to be with.  Madness, indeed!

What causes this madness?  Guilt-ridden obligations.  People are anxious and stressed over following their guilt-ridden obligations -- things they think they should do because it is Christmas.

One of the things people feel they are supposed to do is be happy and joyful.  They do not feel happy and joyful.  They feel anxious and stressed out.  But because it is Christmas they think they should feel happy and joyful.   So anxious and stressed-out people pretend to be happy and joyful.  No wonder liquor flows more freely at Christmas.

I stopped the madness this year.  I only bought gifts for people I wanted to buy gifts for.  I did not go to any places I did not want to go to.  I chose to spend Christmas Day alone.  I sat on a park bench and stared at the sky.  How wonderful that I did not have to do anything I did not want to do!

I will be asked, in the coming days, "How was your Christmas?"

"Fantastic!  It was the best Christmas I've ever had!"

"Really?  Where did you go?"

"On Christmas Day I went to a park and sat on a bench and stared at the sky."

"You what?"

"I sat on a park bench and stared at the sky."

"Alone?"

"No, the voices in my head were with me."

"Have you lost your marbles?"

"Yes I have.  And that makes me marbleless."


A Merry Madness to all!

 

WHERE DO YOU LIVE?

I used to live on Snowflake Circle, but it melted.  Since then I have lived, the way we all do, wherever I am.  How can it be otherwise?

Where do you live?  You immediately think of a building on a street where you may or may not be right now.   Whether you are there or not, this structure has your possessions in it.  Let's say you are not there when you are asked, "Where do you live?"  You would immediately give the address of the the building holding your possessions, and you would be lying.  You are alive and living where you are, and not in the building where you keep your possessions.   Even when you are in the building where you keep your possessions, you can only live or be alive in the room you are in.  You live in one room at a time; thus where you live is always changing.

So when anyone asks you, "Where do you live?"  the truthful answer is, "Right here with you.  I am alive and living here with you."

WHO SAID WHAT?

"Do you pollinate?" asked the flower.


"I always speak the truth -- except when I lie," said the politician.


"I'll be home for Christmas," said Santa.  "But I may be late."


"I am nothing without you,"  said the lamp to the plug.


"I easily gain weight when I eat couch potatoes," said the cannibal.


"I love getting stuff dirt cheap," said the earthworm.


"You're black!" said the pot to the kettle.


"I am an early version of you," said Failure to Success.


"Am I nuts?"  asked the cashew.
"I don't think so," said the peanut.


"Stop scraping my bottom!" said the barrel.


"Is this The End?" asked The Beginning.
"I hope so," said My Blog.  "The barrel wants us to stop."

REASONS TO CELEBRATE

I celebrate today because I was not born in the year 1011!  If I was, then I'd be a thousand years old, and so slow to react to everything.  It would take me several hours to understand a joke, and another several hours to laugh -- if I had the energy to laugh at all.  How wonderful not to be a thousand years old.

I celebrate today because I am in no pain!   Nothing hurts!   No headache.  No cramps.  No sore muscles.  No sore joints.  And my left big toe is smiling.  What a great day!

I celebrate today because I am not a zombie!  I do not have to worry about eating brains.   I do not have to worry about covering up the smell of  my rotting dead flesh.  And I can walk as fast as I want to.

I celebrate today because I did not wet the bed!   How wonderful to awaken to sunlight, and dry sheets.

I celebrate today because my I.Q. is 3!  I thought that my  I.Q. was 1, but a test today shows that it is 3.  I am smarter than I thought.

I celebrate today because I can still remember that I have a bad memory!    Why should I worry about having a bad memory as long as I remember that my memory is bad?

I celebrate today because I am not a dangerous chemical!   I will not irritate your skin if  you touch me.    I may  irritate you with my exuberance.

I celebrate today because I'm not buying a lottery ticket.  They say,  "If you don't have a ticket, you can't win."   I say,  "If I don't have a ticket, I can't lose."

I celebrate today because . . .
just because!

ON CREATIVITY AND CACA

My good friend David Fontana, in his book Creative Meditation and Visualization, wrote about the importance of going inside to communicate with our inner being.  Communication with our inner being is important for self discovery and well being.

 

As children, we unknowingly communicated with our inner being by drawing and coloring pictures.  We did this joyfully until we developed an inner critic as we were taught not to trust ourselves; to look outside for the answers instead of inside.

The process of communicating with our inner being is important.  The art or writing that results from this process is not important.  It is a by-product just as caca is a by-product from the process of  nourishing our bodies. Unless you are making political speeches, caca is not important.  The process of eating for nourishment is.

By focusing on the process and not the by-product, there is no reason to be blocked or to wait for elusive and capricious inspiration.   Two of the ways you can focus on the process of communicating with your inner being are free writing, and free drawing.   The result is not important.  It is caca.

No longer is it necessary to get upset if someone looks at your art or writing and says, "That's a piece of shit!"  He or she is right.  It is the by-product from the nourishment process of communicating with your inner being. 

Your inner being,  the deep mystery inside you,  is not elusive or capricious.  It is always there just waiting for you to start a conversation.    

IT IS 4:00 A.M. AND I MUST WRITE SOMETHING !

I will not allow my imaginary friends to set unrealistic expectations.

I have never had an epiphany, but I have faked a few.

I am skilled at being unskilled.  Should I run for office?

On books?   I enjoy any book containing words.  Currently  I am reading  A History of History  by Itis Bygone.  I'm still afraid to read books about phobias.

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To fetch a pail of water.

Jack came down with The Ten Commandments

Moses was pissed

And Jill became a hermit.

(Eventually she got her own Reality TV show.) 

Some beavers are apathetic, and some give a damn.

I do not belong here.  My soul was on its way to another planet when Cosmic Post screwed up, and delivered it to Earth.   The planet my soul was supposed to go to is a planet where sensitive and honest people are not ridiculed for being sensitive and honest.  It is a planet where corporations rely on the Arts for financial support.  I cannot tell you more because of  a confidentiality agreement which was part of the settlement with Cosmic Post. 

It is 4:00 a.m. and I must write something!