Some of Life's Questions . . .

Who invented life?  God?  If so, then was it an original idea or did he steal it from somewhere?


Why are we born naked?


Do babies produce anything else besides poop and pee?


Why do children ask so many questions?


Is there a relationship between teenage years and the terrible twos?


Is it possible to go through puberty and still maintain a platonic relationship with your hands?


Why do we pretend to like jobs we hate?
 

If money cannot buy happiness, then what will?


Do bowels ever move and not leave a forwarding address?


How come Life never asks us what we mean?


Does falling in hate only happen after people marry?


Why do most people wait until we die before they say nice things about us?


How does God run the Universe without a cell phone or computer?


Who invented death?  God?  If so, then was it an original idea or did he steal it from somewhere?

Getting A Life?

If I were to get a life, then I would be . . . 

- Gasoline so I could watch my worth go up and up and up;

- A banana peel so I could slip and slide my way through life;

- A flea in a kennel so it would not matter where I started;

- A bear that people would have to cross;

- Wisdom so I would stay new not getting much use;

- Gratitude, thank you very much;

- Spring and confuse the world by coming twice a year;

- Truth, again staying new by not getting much use;

- A superhero and save Earth from human beings;

- An accident and happen by accident;

and finally,

If I were to get a life, then I would be The End so I could stop.

Not All About A Positive Attitude

"Why did the positive attitude cross the road?"

"Why?"

"To experience the wonderfulness of the other side."

An optimist walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"

And the optimist said, "It doesn't matter.  Whatever you bring me will be wonderful!"

A famous philosopher once said, "Life is all about having a positive attitude.  Bad things will happen.  When they do, take the best of the bad situation . . . and make it worse." 

"How many positive attitudes does it take to change a light bulb?"

"How many?"

"None.  Shine with such joy and positivity that burned out light bulbs don't matter."

All About Life

"Why did Life cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"To live on the other side."


"Why didn't life stop once it got to the other side?"
"Why?"
"Because Life goes on."

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Life."

"Life who?"

"Just Life.  I don't have a last name, and have nothing funny to say for this knock-knock joke."

I want to enjoy every minute of my life, but the seconds won't let me.

Life is a dream?  Do we know whether the dreamer has anything contagious?

"How many lifetimes does it take to change a light bulb?"

"How many?"

"One lifetime if you're paid a flat rate, and 347 lifetimes if you're paid by the hour."

Life walked into a bar and banged its head on the top of the door frame.  The bartender said, "Gosh, you're not short."

Where shall I find a diaper large enough to change my life?

ON THOUGHT

A thought walked into a bar and the bartender said, "There you are!  I had you this morning and then you disappeared."

And the thought got up and started to leave.

"Wait a minute," said the bartender.  "Where are you going."

"Sorry," said the thought as it walked away, "but you're gonna have to write me down if you want me to stay."

"How many thoughts does it take to change a light bulb?"

"I don't know."

"None.  Thoughts don't change light bulbs.  Action changes light bulbs."

"Why did the thought cross the road?"

"Why?"

"I forgot.  I should have written the punchline down when I thought about it."

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?

"Thought."

"Thought who?"

"Thought you would ask that after I knocked."

Do pigs have fat thoughts?

Some people make you wonder whether their thoughts originate in their brains, or other parts of their bodies.

What does it mean if you smell rubber burning when you're thinking?

Does Death have thoughts about the meaning of life?

Do fish have deep thoughts?

Does Life have thoughts about the meaning of death?

"How do you end a blog on thought?"

"Why do you want to end it?"

"I'm getting sick from the smell of burning rubber."

DEAR DIARY . . . PART III

NOTE:  Dear Diary . . . Part II  was eaten by a Sasquatch and the diary gave the Sasquatch diarrhea.

Dear Diary . . . 



Today I looked at my floor and wondered whether carpets stop floors from talking.  If they do, then what would floors say if there were no carpets?

*

Which is bigger, my mouth or my I.Q.?

*

It rained today.  Things got wet.

*

Am I crazy?  Yesterday I wondered whether I was crazy.  Will I wonder whether I am crazy

tomorrow?  Will the day come when I stop wondering and know whether I am crazy?

*

I'm starting to believe that the Earth is flat.  If not, then where are its boobs?

*

It rained again today.  Again things got wet. I'm starting to see a pattern.

*

I cut my thumb today.  I cut it while using my wit. It wasn't a very deep cut.

*

Instead of the first day, is today the last day of the rest of my life? 

ON SCRIBBLES

My life has been erratic ever since I fell in love with a scribble.

A scribble scrawled into a bar and the bartender said, "What can I get you."

The scribble said, "A purpose, please."

"Coming right up."

The bartender left and then returned with a purpose for the priest.  This caused the rabbi to say to the minister, "This joke makes no sense."

"How many scribbles does it take to change a light bulb?"

"I don't know.  How many?"

"One, but the new light bulb will be illegible."

"Why did the scribble cross the road?"

"I don't know.  Why?"

"To make the other side hard to read."

"Wait a minute.  Why would a scribble cross the road to make the other side hard to read?"

"Because 

Roses are red

And never discuss

Why scribbles love to

Puzzle us."

"What do scribbles eat for breakfast?"

"I don't know.  What?"

"Write Krispies."

"What do scribbles eat for lunch?"

"I don't know.  What?"

"Write Krispies.  They love Write Krispies."

"What do scribbles eat for for dinner?"

"Write Krispies."

"No, meat and potatoes.  They don't love Write Krispies that much."

The famous ancient philosopher Scribbletees once said, "Life is 10% nonsense, and 90% meaningless."

"Why did the scribble go to the doctor?"

"I don't know.  Why?"

"It was starting to snap crackle and pop."

And the God of Doodle proclaimed, "Thou shalt have no other scribbles before me."

Amen.

QUOTES FROM THINGS THAT CAN'T TALK

"I'm short."

         - Life

"I like it when they blow me."

                                                                - A Forest Fire 

  

"Gawd those people stink!"

                                                                 - A Pile of Garbage

"I'm bored!  Is there more to life than going around the sun?"

                                                                     - Mars

"Hair today and hair tomorrow."

                                                                      - A Comb

"I have myself and still I'm not happy."

                                                                        - Money

"There's got to be more to forever than going on and on and on and on.

                                                                        - Eternity

"Am I all that bad?"

                                                                 - Crime       

"That red planet looks bored."

                                                                 - Earth  

"Will I ever get a job?"

                                                                   - Work

"I wish I had a mind to change."

                                                                   - Whim

"Going.  Going."

                                                             - Gone         

WORDS OF WISDOM?

Perfection is a myth, and not a mister.



Success is a favorable outcome.  (It doesn't hurt to have a favorable income, too.)



Failure is Nature's way of saying, "What the fuck are you doing?"



Loneliness is okay as long as you're not by yourself.



Life is fair as long as you have money.



Patience is a Virgo.  (She was born August 31.)


Tomorrow is only today after 24 hours.


Honesty is not the best policy once you get caught.



Every ending comes from a beginning.