DEAR DIARY . . . PART III

NOTE:  Dear Diary . . . Part II  was eaten by a Sasquatch and the diary gave the Sasquatch diarrhea.

Dear Diary . . . 



Today I looked at my floor and wondered whether carpets stop floors from talking.  If they do, then what would floors say if there were no carpets?

*

Which is bigger, my mouth or my I.Q.?

*

It rained today.  Things got wet.

*

Am I crazy?  Yesterday I wondered whether I was crazy.  Will I wonder whether I am crazy

tomorrow?  Will the day come when I stop wondering and know whether I am crazy?

*

I'm starting to believe that the Earth is flat.  If not, then where are its boobs?

*

It rained again today.  Again things got wet. I'm starting to see a pattern.

*

I cut my thumb today.  I cut it while using my wit. It wasn't a very deep cut.

*

Instead of the first day, is today the last day of the rest of my life? 

DEAR DIARY . . . PART I

Dear Diary . . . 

Today I bought a pair of pants for 50 percent off. It had one leg.

*

I am happy because I no longer have a mortgage.  Of course I don't own a house and never had a mortgage, but it's nice to know that I no longer have one.

*

I love having a credit card.  What fun it is to spend money I hope to have next year!

*

The repairman came to fix my air conditioner today. But the repair did not cost me anything because I don't have a house.

*

I got a free estimate today.  I don't know what to do with it.

*

My closet came out today.  It said that it was gay. I had suspected all along because it was always too clean. 

*

Last night I had a dream that I was Martin Luther King.  I felt free at last and then I woke up.

*

I'm in love!  It was love at first sight when I looked in the mirror.  I hope I live happily ever after.

*

What a busy day!  I built Rome, but don't know what to do with it.

*

Today I thought how I will die one day.  How much of a tip should I leave the undertaker?

DEAR DIARY . . .

This morning, when I woke up, I was breathing.  I took this as a good sign to get out of bed.  One day I will wake up, and I won't be breathing.  It will be harder to get out of bed when that happens, but I won't let it hold me back.

Except for the earthquake, the bus ride to work was uneventful.  The ride took a little longer because the bus driver had to detour around the cracked roads.  I had left in lots of time and was not late for work.

 

Earthquakes have no consideration.  They show up without calling first, and cause people to suddenly change their plans.  How rude!  When will earthquakes be more mindful of people's feelings?

I thought that I was going to have to work overtime.  Three workers in my department committed suicide.  They jumped out of the twenty-fourth floor window. They were defrauding the company, and made a suicide pact if they got caught.

The police showed up after lunch, but were not investigating the fraud.  The police came to serve a subpoena on a co-worker who had witnessed an accident.  The police knew nothing about the fraud.  Neither did we until we read the suicide note.  The final line of the note read, "You'll never charge us now."

I was glad that my boss didn't make me stay to complete the work the fraudsters left unfinished.  Maybe another earthquake will visit my workplace tonight, and I'll be able to take tomorrow off as an Earthquake Day.  Then I'll worry about working overtime later when things get back to abnormal.

That's it for now, Diary.  I'm sorry I did not have a more exciting day to report.

EXCERPTS FROM THE MOON'S DIARY

The following are excerpts from the Moon's diary.  We cannot say how they came into our possession.   For unknown reasons, the Moon never dated its diary entries.

I suspect I will feel better about myself , and have less mood swings, when I get in touch with my inner lunatic.

***

I am going to ask the Man in me to start paying rent.  It's not right that he lives in me rent-free.

***

Galaxy Skin Cream is no good.  I am taking it back for a refund.  It was supposed to make my skin smooth, but I still have large pockmarks.

***

Whew!  I'm full.

***

I wanted to see Venus today, but she could not get out of her orbit.  We've been spending a lot of time together.  She doesn't have a moon.  Perhaps one day I will leave Earth for Venus.

***

Earthlings are good-humored.  They have never complained about me mooning them after all these years.