ON DREAMS

I had a dream that the world ended, but Donald Trump was still President of America.  The world ending made it hard for President Trump to build a wall.  There was no place to build a wall, and there were no people to keep out.  But President Trump built the wall anyway.  The wall went on to star in its own Unreality TV show.



A group of hostages, who were being held hostage by fruit gone bad, took me hostage.  The hostages said that they would let me go if I woke up.  I woke up and they let me go.



I dreamed I was sleeping and awoke to discover my dream was true.



A bus claimed that I got it pregnant.  It was hard to tell the bus was pregnant because it was naturally big.  
I wasn't sure I was the father.  I remember sleeping on the bus, but I don't remember sleeping with the bus.
How relieved I felt when the bus gave birth to a broom.  I knew I wasn't the father.



I dreamed that my cell phone lost me, and I was never found.

COFFEE AND WHAT?

On the bus, this morning, I saw a man picking his nose.

"But that's not unusual."

He was eating what he picked from his nose.

"Yuck!  But that's still not unusual."

But he had a cup of coffee in his other hand, and would drink from it after he ate boogers from his nose.

"Okay, that's unusual."

Is this a new trend?  Will people one day meet for coffee and boogers?  Will you see signs in coffee shops and restaurants:

 

So, would you like to meet for a coffee and snot?

"Uh, no thanks." 

BAD POETRY

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I wish you weren't here
So I could be with you

*

I saw a World in a Grain of Sand
And Heaven in a Wild Flower.
And then I thought,
"I better get my eyes checked." 

*

Jack and Jill went up the hill to-
(CENSORED) 

*

The wheels on the bus go round and round
The sun across the sky goes up and down
And here I am on the ground wondering,
"What else rhymes with round?"

*

How do I love thee?
I would love to count the ways,
But I can't count.

*

Pooma pooma pooma
Dippy demi dooma
Isket bisket gooma
Pooma pooma pooma

* 

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood.
And then I went home alone
And wrote down this poem.


*

Roses are red
Violets are blue
This is The End
And it doesn't rhyme

Gary Johnston gratefully acknowledges the support he receives from the English Alphabet. 

DEAR DIARY . . .

This morning, when I woke up, I was breathing.  I took this as a good sign to get out of bed.  One day I will wake up, and I won't be breathing.  It will be harder to get out of bed when that happens, but I won't let it hold me back.

Except for the earthquake, the bus ride to work was uneventful.  The ride took a little longer because the bus driver had to detour around the cracked roads.  I had left in lots of time and was not late for work.

 

Earthquakes have no consideration.  They show up without calling first, and cause people to suddenly change their plans.  How rude!  When will earthquakes be more mindful of people's feelings?

I thought that I was going to have to work overtime.  Three workers in my department committed suicide.  They jumped out of the twenty-fourth floor window. They were defrauding the company, and made a suicide pact if they got caught.

The police showed up after lunch, but were not investigating the fraud.  The police came to serve a subpoena on a co-worker who had witnessed an accident.  The police knew nothing about the fraud.  Neither did we until we read the suicide note.  The final line of the note read, "You'll never charge us now."

I was glad that my boss didn't make me stay to complete the work the fraudsters left unfinished.  Maybe another earthquake will visit my workplace tonight, and I'll be able to take tomorrow off as an Earthquake Day.  Then I'll worry about working overtime later when things get back to abnormal.

That's it for now, Diary.  I'm sorry I did not have a more exciting day to report.

NURSERY RHYME QUESTIONS

How old is Old MacDonald who has a farm?  Does anyone know?  Is he any relation to the people who own the restaurant?   What about the animals on Old MacDonald's farm?  Did they ever do more that just go around making their noises?  Did any of them ever leave the farm to get an education?


Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow? Did Mary own this little lamb before smog and other pollution?    Perhaps the little lamb's fleece was as white as polluted snow.
Did Mary and her little lamb go everywhere together?  Wouldn't people start to talk?


The wheels on the bus go round and round?  I should damn well think so!  What kind of wheels would they be if they did not round and round?


Why wouldn't Little Miss Muffett get a lawyer and sue the spider for pain and suffering?


Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall?  Why would he do that?  Didn't he have a job to go to?  Was it his wall, or was he trespassing?    Is it true that Humpty Dumpty is currently seeing a psychiatrist for multiple personality disorder?

WHY?

Why is the Monday after Easter Sunday a holiday?   Did Jesus need a day to recover after rising from the dead?

Why is water wet?   Would we save time if water was dry?

Why does bus rhyme with Gus?  Why doesn't bus rhyme with orange?

Why is hot not hot when it's cold?  Why is cold not cold when it's hot? 

Why don't bad smells bother dogs?

Why don't dreams get released on DVD's?

Why aren't more lies true?

Why is why why?  Why isn't why x or z?

Why is it so hard to blog with limited Internet access?