ON DREAMS

I had a dream that the world ended, but Donald Trump was still President of America.  The world ending made it hard for President Trump to build a wall.  There was no place to build a wall, and there were no people to keep out.  But President Trump built the wall anyway.  The wall went on to star in its own Unreality TV show.



A group of hostages, who were being held hostage by fruit gone bad, took me hostage.  The hostages said that they would let me go if I woke up.  I woke up and they let me go.



I dreamed I was sleeping and awoke to discover my dream was true.



A bus claimed that I got it pregnant.  It was hard to tell the bus was pregnant because it was naturally big.  
I wasn't sure I was the father.  I remember sleeping on the bus, but I don't remember sleeping with the bus.
How relieved I felt when the bus gave birth to a broom.  I knew I wasn't the father.



I dreamed that my cell phone lost me, and I was never found.

QUESTIONS ABOUT ETIQUETTE

Is it proper to eat mud pies with dirt?

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Is it proper for the truth to be naked?

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Is it proper to call a pregnant woman, "Bubble Belly"?

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Is it proper for a rubber band to play elastic songs?

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When is the proper time to lose your mind?

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Is it proper to wear rubber gloves during sex?

Is it proper for a human being to lay a rug?

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Is it proper for a wall to hang itself on a picture?

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Is it okay for dead people to be late for their funerals?

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Is it proper to think outside the box when there is no box?

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Is it proper for a doormat to wipe itself?

 

WAITING FOR MY VOICES

I am waiting for the voices in my head to tell me something to write.  They are resting from being stressed out.  They get stressed whenever I bang my head.  They think it's an earthquake.  Good thing for me I have a hard head because I bang it frequently.  

Doctors want to give me drugs to stop the voices, but I would miss my voices if they left me.  They are with me all the time except when I go to the bathroom.  That's when they temporarily leave me because they have a keen sense of smell.

My voices have been with me since I was in my mother's womb.  (Why did I use mother's womb?  Could I have just used womb?  Whose womb would I have been in?  My father's?)  I remember that it was dark and wet, and wet and dark.  My voices first words to me were, "Kick!  Kick!  Give your parents a thrill and kick!"

My voices were right because I would hear my mother shouting to my father, "Quick!  Come here quick!  He's kicking!"  Then my father would come and put his hand on my mother's belly and say, "Yeah!  Wow!  I can feel him kicking!"  It did not take much to amuse my parents. 

(Photo from National Geographic's In The Womb)

I remember the day I was born.  It just happened to work out as the same day as my  birthday.  I was sleeping when the voices shouted, 

"Wake up!  Wake up!  It's time to go."

"Go where?" I asked.

"Out into the world."

"The world?"

"You'll understand once you're out."

"How do I get out?"

"Over there."

"There?  I'll never fit through there."

"Yes you will."

Suddenly I was moving.  I could not control it.  Sometimes I moved fast.  Sometimes I moved slow.  The voices were right.  I did fit through the hole . . .

"We're back!"

"Oh!  You startled me."

"Startled?  That's part of what we feel when you bang your head."

IF . . .

If you are not reading this, then what are you doing?

If cows could fly, then cars would take longer to go through  a car wash.

If men got pregnant, then steps would be taken to ensure that pregnancies were painless and lasted an hour.

If I ruled the world, then each day would be another day of the week.

If today was not April First, then it would be another day.  It might even be another day than the another day mentioned in the sentence above.

If I could fly, then cars would take longer to go through a car wash.

If Frankenstein would groom himself better, then he would get more dates.

If I could be anything, then I would be a kumquat just to be different.   (Either that or a kayak.)

If cats could talk, then they could tell us why they have never said anything before.

If John Donne was deaf, then he would not have heard any bells and told us for whom these bells toll.

If . . .  

If there was no word if, then . . .  uh . . . 

IN MY SPARE TIME I . . .

Breathe

Eat

Sleep

Do not polish my head

Have a midlife crisis

Point at pregnant women and shout, "I know what you did!"

Look for ways to be miserable

Chase away any happy, positive thoughts because I love being miserable.

Itch my scratch

Check for stores that offer Free Will

Wonder why cement shoes never became a fad

Accept responsibility for the actions of my multiple personalities


Ponder whether Mr. Big is still Mr. Big  in the presence of  Mrs. Big


Read the Number One Runaway Bestseller (after I chase and catch it, of course)

Watch my High-Speed Internet lose a race with a turtle

Try to figure out how to make one of my ribs into a companion

Search libraries and bookstores for Slaughterhouse Six


Look for the courage to face life indirectly

Imagine how much noise Kingdom will make when it comes

Blog about silly things

Repeat myself

Blog about silly things