THINGS I WOULD DO IF I HAD THE COURAGE

 

If I had the courage, then I would . . . 

- Breastfeed my bicycle in public;

- Abduct aliens and give them anal probes;

- Stand on walls instead of floors;

- Kill death;

- Corral coral;

- Climb the stairway to Heaven, ring the bell at the gate, and then run away; 

- Start my own TV station and broadcast nothing but junk;  (Someone else may have done this before.)

and

- Write blogs that are funny. 

Hmmm . . .

A health-conscious killer will give his victims organically-grown poison.


At times, life is an organized mess.


All housing is affordable if you have enough money.


When you consider when it is paid, life insurance should be called death insurance.


By the time they become adults, most humans are self-cleaning.


A renovated brain will improve your life.


Caca never dies.


When a company advertises that it has over 50 years experience, it could mean that it has over 50 years of making mistakes.


Superman never received an award for courage.


The End is The End except when it isn't.

WELCOME TO EARTH . . .

Welcome to Earth.  Although no one will admit it, we are in the midst of World War III.  The great world powers are using the lesser world powers to fight WW III by proxy.  That way we can deny that WW III is happening, and feel safe.  So far, the only people winning WW III are those who make weapons.

We have many, many religions here.  These religions are the result of human error and misunderstanding, and have nothing to do with God.

Some of us appear not to like our planet Earth by the way we treat it.  It seems that we can't see the forest for the money from the trees.  Fortunately Earth is not like us and is not prone to revenge.  Earth does its best to support us no matter what we do.  Who knows how long Earth will show us such patience?

We would not be prone to revenge if we realized that we are human beings, and have more in common with each other than differences.  But we do not like thinking of ourselves as human beings.   Deep down we know that as human beings we are ignorant and irrational.  We deny this by thinking of ourselves as American, Canadian, Mexican, French, etc.  Perhaps if we saw ourselves as human beings, then there would be no WW III.
 
We all have courage, but most of us are afraid to use it. 

In spite of our ignorance and irrationality, we mean well. 

That is all I can think of for now.  I am not sure how long you are planning to stay, but you will get along fine if you do not think.

Thank you for choosing Earth.

REASONS TO KILL MYSELF

Sure I'm depressed over being lonely, homeless, jobless and broke.  But this is no reason to want to kill myself.  If I were going to kill myself, then it would be for serious reasons such as . . .

- Being forced to watch the movie made from The Merriam-Webster Dictionary

- Constantly having dreams that I was sleeping

- Discovering that William Shakespeare played a role in the Kennedy assassination

- Going back to school with a bunch of fish

- Believing what I think I believe I think I believe

- Being told that what I think I believe I think I believe is not true

- Finding out that I am mortal, and only have another 347 years to live

- Going through puberty for a third time  (The second time was worse than the first.)

- Dating a chimney and having the relationship go up in smoke

- Being unable to return my defective brain because I lost the receipt

- Discovering  that I do not have the courage to face life indirectly

- Not being able to cause a pain in necks or other body parts that are lower

And finally, I would kill myself if I learned that this blog has no nutritional value.

IN MY SPARE TIME I . . .

Breathe

Eat

Sleep

Do not polish my head

Have a midlife crisis

Point at pregnant women and shout, "I know what you did!"

Look for ways to be miserable

Chase away any happy, positive thoughts because I love being miserable.

Itch my scratch

Check for stores that offer Free Will

Wonder why cement shoes never became a fad

Accept responsibility for the actions of my multiple personalities


Ponder whether Mr. Big is still Mr. Big  in the presence of  Mrs. Big


Read the Number One Runaway Bestseller (after I chase and catch it, of course)

Watch my High-Speed Internet lose a race with a turtle

Try to figure out how to make one of my ribs into a companion

Search libraries and bookstores for Slaughterhouse Six


Look for the courage to face life indirectly

Imagine how much noise Kingdom will make when it comes

Blog about silly things

Repeat myself

Blog about silly things