USELESS THOUGHTS

Should I start a company called Problems Unlimited?  People who don't have enough problems can buy more from me. 



Why don't they privatize Hell and allow Satan to contract out your sins?  
"It wasn't my fault, officer, the contractor did it." 



Can I get my money back if there is nothing after death?



Is enlightenment an army of of light bulbs?




At what point does the present become the future?




Do flood warnings apply to fish? 



Replace my negative thoughts with positive thoughts?   Isn't it easier to replace my negative thoughts with plus signs?  



Would I be happier if I lowered my expectations?



Do I spend too much time thinking and not enough time doing?

I MUSE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A LIFE . . .

Was Rodin's Thinker so immersed in thought that he didn't feel the pain while sitting naked on a rough rock?


Do fish ever go humaning?  If so, then what do they use as bait?  Money?  When fish catch a small human, do they throw it back on the land?


Judging by some of the people we see, shouldn't stores have a Beauty Department, and an Ugly Department?


It's March Break.  Who will fix it?


Laundry!  Yuck!  Why doesn't someone invent self-cleaning clothes, towels and bedding?


When you don't have a life, are you finished when you get to The End?

SOME QUESTIONS AT A GROCERY STORE

Do fish aspire to end up in a grocery store? 



Can you use tomato paste to glue food?

Do avocados ever advocate?



If there is pasta, then where can I find a presenta and a futura?


Do beans fart?  If so, then how do they say, "Excuse me"?  Can beans talk?



Does the butcher ever pig-out?



Do the ghosts of dead cows haunt the meat department?



Shouldn't you get a discount on your groceries if you use self checkout?

 

SOME PROVERBS FROM THE OTHER WORLD

A cowardly friend is better than a fearful acquaintance.

A handful of patience is only for a gigantic doctor.

Fire is hot most of the time.

Those who are first are not second.

A fish on a hook is worth two at a baseball game. 

A rich person may go to Heaven and stick a needle in the eye of a camel.

Haste makes waste and serves it with red wine.

A squirrel with no teeth eventually goes nuts.

A fool and his money are the root of all evil.

HOW COME THIS BLOG ENTRY HAS NO TITLE?

Is McDonald's owned by self-hating cows?


Why doesn't the church rent out miracles?


Why don't university diplomas come with parking spaces.  You may never use the knowledge that got you the diploma, but you can always use a parking space.


Does chocolate ever get depressed and crave women?


What does a couch do for exercise?


Do fish go back to school?


Does this blog, with no title, have an ending?  

BOOKS YOU MAY NEVER READ . . .

The Sound And The Fury - The story of a man who is angry over his bad case of flatulence.

Tender Is The Night - A mad scientist terrorizes the world by pounding the darkness with a metal meat tenderizer.

Seven women's stories are told during their menstrual cycle in Les Misérables.

After catching 21 fish, a fisherman catches a magic lamp in Catch 22.

Oliver Twist - An orphaned piece of licorice struggles to survive. 

A family's fortune mysteriously disappears after the spring breaks on their favorite wind-up toy in Gone With The Wind. 

A mousetrap maker gets stuck in a loaf of bread in Catcher In The Rye.

Protagonist Theodore Thanatos explores the world of necrophilia in The Naked And The Dead.

A watchmaker successfully makes watches from citrus fruits in A Clockwork Orange. 

Of Human Bondage - A story about income and other taxes.

PRODUCTS THAT NEVER SOLD

Upside Down Potato Chips


Saddles for Birds


Poison Ivy Ice Skates


Bicycles for Computers


Earwax Cereal


Swimsuits for fish


Wristwatches for trees


Plastic Elevators


Invisible Money 
(Everyone has too much)


Steel Snow


Wholewheat Bread Liqueur 


The Complete Book of Baseball Poetry

 
Fleur-de-lis  Cider Cake


Feather Hammers


Containers for Black Holes


Radioactive Carpets


Sour Cream Skateboards 


Ultraviolet Sausages


Sudden Endings

REASONS TO KILL MYSELF

Sure I'm depressed over being lonely, homeless, jobless and broke.  But this is no reason to want to kill myself.  If I were going to kill myself, then it would be for serious reasons such as . . .

- Being forced to watch the movie made from The Merriam-Webster Dictionary

- Constantly having dreams that I was sleeping

- Discovering that William Shakespeare played a role in the Kennedy assassination

- Going back to school with a bunch of fish

- Believing what I think I believe I think I believe

- Being told that what I think I believe I think I believe is not true

- Finding out that I am mortal, and only have another 347 years to live

- Going through puberty for a third time  (The second time was worse than the first.)

- Dating a chimney and having the relationship go up in smoke

- Being unable to return my defective brain because I lost the receipt

- Discovering  that I do not have the courage to face life indirectly

- Not being able to cause a pain in necks or other body parts that are lower

And finally, I would kill myself if I learned that this blog has no nutritional value.

HODGEPODGE SOUP . . .

"Of course it's an antique.  The label says, Made In Canada."

***

"My occupation?  I'm an impersonal trainer."

***

"I wish the fish in my dish would grant my wish."

***

"I'm not unemployed.  I am retired without a pension."

***

"Are Wall Street's crannies full of well-dressed crooks?"

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"How do wishing wells make wishes?  Do they make a wish, and then throw up a previously swallowed coin?

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"May the lion you meet face-to-face be a vegetarian."

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"Weddings have nothing to do with marriage."

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"May I ask you a question?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because you never asked me for my permission to ask whether you could ask me a question." 

***

"I plan to visit Reality soon, but I won't stay long."