Funny Money

Money walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Nice to see you!  You should come more often.  What will it be?"
And Money said, "I'll have a glass of happiness, please."
The bartender fixed Money a glass of happiness. Money used some of itself to pay for the drink.  Then Money said, "See? I can buy happiness."


"Why did money cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"It was parting from a fool."


"Why did money cross the road?"
"It was parting from another fool?"
"No, that was the money in the last joke.  This money was following people doing what they love."


Question:  How much money does God have in the bank?
Answer:  Lots.

Question:  Does God own the Universe, or is he renting?
Answer:  Yes.

Question:  Does God pay income tax?
Answer:  Yes, but only when he wants to.

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Money."

"Thanks for coming.  That's all I need to know."

A police officer stopped Evil and searched it.  The officer found a carrot in Evil's pocket.

"What's this for?" asked the officer.

And Evil said, "Root is the money of all evil."

QUOTES NEVER SAID . . .

"I want to end the world, but there's no point.  Humans are so distracted with their smartphones, texting and Internet that they'd never notice."

                                          - God

"How wonderful!  I get credit for the evil people do, and they think it's me!"

                                                                                                   - Satan

"I hope humans and their innards are around forever."

                                       - Cancer

"Is that a person, or is it only the sunlight reflecting off shiny flies?"

                                - A Flying Saucer 

"I have waaay too much money.  I wish I had less."

                      - A Single Mother of Six 

"What?  What did you say?"

                          - Vincent Van Gogh 

"Gosh, it doesn't take much to get them all worked up."

                            - Donald Trump 

 

                               - Porky Pig

SOME PROVERBS FROM THE OTHER WORLD

A cowardly friend is better than a fearful acquaintance.

A handful of patience is only for a gigantic doctor.

Fire is hot most of the time.

Those who are first are not second.

A fish on a hook is worth two at a baseball game. 

A rich person may go to Heaven and stick a needle in the eye of a camel.

Haste makes waste and serves it with red wine.

A squirrel with no teeth eventually goes nuts.

A fool and his money are the root of all evil.