MOVIES YOU WILL NEVER SEE . . .

INVASION OF THE GOAT-CHEESE FARTS

An evil race of goat-cheese farts, from a planet in the Aries Constellation, attack Earth.  General Air Freshener leads an army of armed fragrances to stop the goat-cheese farts from global domination.

*** 

AW NUTS!

A squirrel falls in love with his psychiatrist while the psychiatrist is treating the squirrel for Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD).

 ***

 "What's this smoking thing doing in a blog about movies not seen?"

"I don't know.  It just turned up.  Perhaps it will go away if we ignore it."

***

Two lunchboxes fall in love under a full noon.

***

 THE SPELL

A witch wreaks havoc when she casts spells at a Spelling Bee.

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A funny bone technician stops blogging for today.  He goes to the grocery store for material for future blogs.  

"How exciting.  I'm glad I'll never see that movie."

"Me too."

SOME PROVERBS FROM THE OTHER WORLD

A cowardly friend is better than a fearful acquaintance.

A handful of patience is only for a gigantic doctor.

Fire is hot most of the time.

Those who are first are not second.

A fish on a hook is worth two at a baseball game. 

A rich person may go to Heaven and stick a needle in the eye of a camel.

Haste makes waste and serves it with red wine.

A squirrel with no teeth eventually goes nuts.

A fool and his money are the root of all evil.

7 1/2 REASONS I WILL NOT LIVE ON MARS

All this talk about sending humans to live on Mars got me thinking why I would not go.  Here are my reasons: 

1 - I never liked being around Martians ever since my friend, Hebert George Wells, introduced me to them. Whenever I am around them, Martians always sneeze and accidentally set my clothes on fire.  I suspect that Martians are allergic to my vast intelligence and sharp wit.

2 - There are no nuts on Mars.  Let me qualify that.  There are no nuts that you eat on Mars.  I love edible nuts, but shipping them from Earth makes them too expensive.  Attempts to grow nuts on Mars always result in growing metal blocks with holes through them.

3 - Red is not my favorite color.

4 - A Martian year is 686 days long.  I do not want to wait almost two years to celebrate my birthday.

5 - I would be forced to join Inhabitants of Planets Smaller Than Earth.  Besides having to worry about Martians accidentally setting my clothes on fire, I would have to socialize with craters and rocks.  Craters and rocks are not great conversationalists.  Their idea of an exciting evening is to sit quietly and stare off into space.

6 - You have no privacy with NASA's robotic rover roaming all over the place snapping pictures.

7 - Having to listen to the Face on Mars boast about how wonderful it looks without makeup.

7 1/2 -  Oju ama jeck foddleopah constoo apa sar.*

*Martian for "I have not got a clue what this reason is." 

FLYING SAUCERS AND A SQUIRREL

MORE PICTURES NOT AT AN EXHIBITION

 

                                                                                                  

                                                                        

HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT

Cut off your toes.
Cut off your feet.
Cut off your nose.
Stop eating meat.

Cut off your legs.
Cut off your butt.
Stop eating eggs.
What's left to cut?

Cut off your hands.
Cut off your arms.
Don't eat pecans.
Carry no charms.

Still not too thin
After these cuts?
Remove your skin.
Throw out your guts.

What's left of you
Won't gain weight back.
Clothing that's new
Will be a sack.

No arms. No nose.
No legs. No guts.
Don't decompose,
And don't go nuts.