All this talk about sending humans to live on Mars got me thinking why I would not go. Here are my reasons:
1 - I never liked being around Martians ever since my friend, Hebert George Wells, introduced me to them. Whenever I am around them, Martians always sneeze and accidentally set my clothes on fire. I suspect that Martians are allergic to my vast intelligence and sharp wit.
2 - There are no nuts on Mars. Let me qualify that. There are no nuts that you eat on Mars. I love edible nuts, but shipping them from Earth makes them too expensive. Attempts to grow nuts on Mars always result in growing metal blocks with holes through them.
4 - A Martian year is 686 days long. I do not want to wait almost two years to celebrate my birthday.
5 - I would be forced to join Inhabitants of Planets Smaller Than Earth. Besides having to worry about Martians accidentally setting my clothes on fire, I would have to socialize with craters and rocks. Craters and rocks are not great conversationalists. Their idea of an exciting evening is to sit quietly and stare off into space.
6 - You have no privacy with NASA's robotic rover roaming all over the place snapping pictures.
7 - Having to listen to the Face on Mars boast about how wonderful it looks without makeup.
7 1/2 - Oju ama jeck foddleopah constoo apa sar.*
*Martian for "I have not got a clue what this reason is."
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