It's All About Rocks

"Why did the rock cross the road?"
"Why?"
"One chicken threw it at another?"
"Why would one chicken throw a rock at another?"
"I dunno.  Angry birds?"

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Rock."

"Rock who?"

"Rock Hudson."

"How can that be?  You're dead."

"Oh yeah, sorry I forgot."

How does a rock behave when it's stoned?

A rock walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"

And the rock said, "I'll have a mineral water on the rocks, please."

"That's it?" said a man sitting next to the rock. "That's the punchline?"

"Yes," said the rock.

"I don't think that's a funny punchline," said the man.

And the bartender said to the man, "Have a few more drinks."

"How many rocks does it take to change a light bulb?"

"How many?"

"Two.  One rock to change the bulb, and the other rock to go to a movie."

"Uh?  Go to a movie?  The joke doesn't make sense."

"Yes, and it doesn't make any dollars either.  Have a few more drinks."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"To get to the other side?"

"No.  A rock threw the chicken at another rock."

"Why would a rock throw a chicken at another rock?"

"I dunno.  Rock rage?"

Were the Rolling Stones once rocks?

"Okay," said the chicken to the rock, "let's end it now. I promise not to throw any rocks at chickens if you promise not to throw any chickens at rocks."

"Agreed," said the rock.

ROCKS AND SKY

Do rocks die?

And what about the sky?

Does the sky die?

If rocks and the sky die, then where do their souls go?  Heaven?  Are there rocks and sky in Heaven?  Is there a separate Heaven just for the souls of rocks and the sky?

What if the rocks and sky were bad?  Would they go to Hell?  But how can rocks and the sky be bad?  What could they do other than being rocks and the sky?  Being what they are isn't bad.

What about their wills?  What would a rock and the sky leave?  To whom or what would they leave it?

I, Rock, being of sound mind and minerals, leave all my rockiness to the ground . . .  

I, Sky, being of sound mind and atmosphere, leave all my air to the clouds . . . 

We could survive with dead rocks.  Lots of people have dead rocks in their heads.  But a dead sky?  How will survive if the sky dies? 

MY HEAD "ROCKS" WITH QUESTIONS

It is not true that rocks don't talk.  The rocks in my head have a lot to say, but mostly they ask questions:

"Do beavers ever get damned tired?"

"Was Oedipus Rex the first person to engage in sexual intercourse with his mother?"

  

"Is there a word for a person who engages in sexual intercourse with mothers?"

"How would cops cope if there were copious crooked cops?"

"What do cannibals pack for lunch?  Ladyfingers?  Esophagus sandwiches?  Bellybutton pudding?

"Would we feel less lonely if more people had rocks in their heads?"

"Can we stop asking questions now?"

NEW PRODUCTS

Solar-Powered Dildoe

Hands-Free Air 

Microchips  (For people cutting back on junk food)

Stoned Rocks  (For your garden of pot)

Invisible Space  (To go with your hands-free air)

A Walking Saucer  (For aliens who fear flying)

Clothing That Never Needs Washing   (This is not new.  Our clothing is already like this, but we wash it for social and health reasons.)

A Dicless Dictionary  (Also known as a Tionary)

(A surprise ending)   

RANDOM TIDBITS

"It's our goal to get inside someone's head and stay there," said the rocks.

They seemed like nice rocks.  I would have offered them my head, but it is already full of voices, bananas and half a brain.

***

If I take myself with me wherever I go, then how come I am not charged for two seats on an airplane?  

***

WANTED:  Suicide bombers for terrorist organization.  Previous experience an asset, but not necessary.  Excellent starting salary with benefits.  Apply . . . 

***

Whenever I go into a room, I always find myself near a floor, wall, or ceiling.  Is this a coincidence? 

When I go outside, especially during the day, I am surrounded by natural light.  This can't be another coincidence.  It has to be by Intelligent design. 

***

Why would people be flattered to have the wing of a hospital named after them?  Hospitals are where people are sick and die.

Some may say, "But people get well in hospitals, too."

This is true, but when you hear that a loved one is in the hospital, your first thought isn't, "Oh wonderful!  He or she must be getting better."

***

"Are you sure that there is no room for us in your head?" asked the rocks.  "You seem like such a nice guy."

"Thank you,"  I said.  "Yes, I am sure.  There would be room if the voices in my head moved out, but that's not likely to happen.  The voices signed a lifetime lease, and they're not about to break it.  Good luck at finding some head."

 

NEVER NURSES (An Anagram For "Seven Reruns")

7 1/2 REASONS I WILL NOT LIVE ON MARS

All this talk about sending humans to live on Mars got me thinking why I would not go.  Here are my reasons: 

1 - I never liked being around Martians ever since my friend, Hebert George Wells, introduced me to them. Whenever I am around them, Martians always sneeze and accidentally set my clothes on fire.  I suspect that Martians are allergic to my vast intelligence and sharp wit.

2 - There are no nuts on Mars.  Let me qualify that.  There are no nuts that you eat on Mars.  I love edible nuts, but shipping them from Earth makes them too expensive.  Attempts to grow nuts on Mars always result in growing metal blocks with holes through them.

3 - Red is not my favorite color.

4 - A Martian year is 686 days long.  I do not want to wait almost two years to celebrate my birthday.

5 - I would be forced to join Inhabitants of Planets Smaller Than Earth.  Besides having to worry about Martians accidentally setting my clothes on fire, I would have to socialize with craters and rocks.  Craters and rocks are not great conversationalists.  Their idea of an exciting evening is to sit quietly and stare off into space.

6 - You have no privacy with NASA's robotic rover roaming all over the place snapping pictures.

7 - Having to listen to the Face on Mars boast about how wonderful it looks without makeup.

7 1/2 -  Oju ama jeck foddleopah constoo apa sar.*

*Martian for "I have not got a clue what this reason is." 

"Hey! Get off us! We're alive with feelings! Rocks are people too, you know! Who gave you permission to come here and take pictures?"

ON MY HEALTH . . .

I have never had kidney stones, but the rocks in my head often cause me pain.

Occasionally I get a pain in my neck.  Often I become a pain in the neck.  Sometimes I am a pain in a place lower than the neck.

Arthritis, Bronchitis, Bursitis, and Psoriasis are my Greek friends who never visit me.

Sometimes I hear voices in my head.
"No you don't!"
Yes I do.

I used my hands a lot while I was going through puberty, and suffered from Carpel Tunnel Syndrome.  The desire to use my hands a lot and the Carpel Tunnel Syndrome went away after puberty.

I had Lou Gehrig's Disease, but I gave it back to Lou.  He apologized for giving it to me.   "I'll try to keep it to myself,"  he said.

"While I'm in Bulgaria,"
Said Doctor Kataria.
"I'll take care of ya."
And he cured my Malaria.

I've never had Pneumonia, but I once had Oldmonia.   I took a hot bath and she went away.

Occasionally I cut my finger on my wit.  It's never a deep cut.

Overall I am thankful for my healthy mind, and body.  Occasionally I cut my finger on my wit.