A LETTER TO MAKE IT FAIR

Dear Satan,

     I wrote a letter to God yesterday.  I thought I better write one to you so you won't complain about being treated unfairly.

      Hell must be a popular place.  People are always telling me to go there.  But I never believed in Hell until I got married.  My wife was religious, and she showed me that Hell exists.  

     I often wonder whether my marriage was made in the place you rule.  Do you know anything about that?

     Wherever my marriage was made, it did not last.  Was this the result of cheap, unskilled foreign labor?  It doesn't matter.  It's a blessing my marriage did not last because my poor wife did not deserve me: she was perfect and I wasn't.

     I'm sorry to go on about my marriage, but I can't help thinking about it when I think of Hell.

     Have you ever been commended for your charisma?  There's God, The Almighty, The Creator, The Ruler of the Universe, and hardly anyone listens to him.  But there you are not as powerful as God, and almost everyone listens to you.  What's your secret?  A better understanding of human nature than God's?

     I'm going to stop now.  All this letter-writing is tiresome.  I'm telling you this to give you a heads up.  My hands will be idle.  Got any ideas?

AN OVERDUE RENOVATION

Dear God,

     Isn't it time you renovated Heaven?  It's been the same since Eternity.  How about updating its look?

     Get rid of the clouds.  They're bland.  I know that the white clouds match the white gowns everyone wears.  Why not change the decor and allow people to wear what they want?  Why does everyone have to wear the same thing?  Is there a commandment stating that all dead people have to dress alike?

As for the furniture?  Keep the same simple atmosphere by getting some easy-to-assemble stuff from Ikea.  I'm sure Ikea will give you a discount with you being God.  Just make sure you bring three pieces of identification to prove who you are.  You can give Heaven a simple and modern look without spending too much money.

And while you're at it, Hell could use some air-conditioning.  The people there are starting to complain.  Thanks. 

SATAN LEADER OF HELL

How did Satan get his job?  Did he apply along with other devils?  Did he see an ad in the Help Wanted section of the newspaper?

WANTED:  Self-motivated, disciplined being with leadership skills to run a place of torment and punishment in the afterlife.  Previous experience an asset but not necessary.  Base salary plus commission on souls collected.  Send resumès to The Creator of the Universe . . . 

What about the interview for this job?  Did God conduct it, or did he delegate it?

How about the devils who applied and did not get the job?  How did they feel reading the rejection letter?

Dear One of a Million Devils,

Thank you for your interest in Hell.  We have reviewed your resumè and were most impressed with your skills and qualifications.  Unfortunately we cannot offer you this job because another candidate's qualifications better suited our needs.  

We appreciate your interest in Hell, and wish you every success in finding a job in another universe.

Sincerely,

Archangel Michael

Satan's job must have good benefits and a good pension.  If it didn't, then why would he keep it forever?

ROCKS AND SKY

Do rocks die?

And what about the sky?

Does the sky die?

If rocks and the sky die, then where do their souls go?  Heaven?  Are there rocks and sky in Heaven?  Is there a separate Heaven just for the souls of rocks and the sky?

What if the rocks and sky were bad?  Would they go to Hell?  But how can rocks and the sky be bad?  What could they do other than being rocks and the sky?  Being what they are isn't bad.

What about their wills?  What would a rock and the sky leave?  To whom or what would they leave it?

I, Rock, being of sound mind and minerals, leave all my rockiness to the ground . . .  

I, Sky, being of sound mind and atmosphere, leave all my air to the clouds . . . 

We could survive with dead rocks.  Lots of people have dead rocks in their heads.  But a dead sky?  How will survive if the sky dies? 

A SELECTION FROM A BOOK OF QUESTIONS . . .

Is it true that doctors fear apples?


Has anyone, with good intentions, ever closed the road to Hell?


Can't beggars be anything they want?


Will boys be boys?


How come we can walk on blood and not water?


Can we be fair in love and war?


Is talk costly?


How come worms that get up early always get caught? 


Is just before dawn the worst time for a power failure?


How do you know that a doornail is dead?


How come people full of piss and vinegar don't feel sick?


How long do I have to wait before I get good things?

WHAT IF I HAD A WEEK TO LIVE?

What would I do if I had a week to live?  I would give away my prized collection of roll-on deodorant balls.  I am not sure to whom.

On the day before I was to die, I would get a haircut and make sure I was well groomed.  Then I would dress up in the ugliest, polyester suit I have, with an ugly shirt and tie, and drink lots of alcohol.  I want to be the worst dressed person at my funeral, and well preserved.

That way the undertaker would not have to dress or embalm me and my funeral would cost less.  The money I saved would be put towards a down payment on a cloud just inside the pearly gates.

How do I know that I am going to Heaven?  Satan sent God a petition signed by the billions and billions residents of Hell stating that they don't want me there.  I don't know why and don't care.

REASONS TO BE GRATEFUL

I am grateful that I am not a blue doodle with red teeth.  (If I was, then what a problem I would have keeping my teeth red when brushing makes them white.)

I am grateful I am not a coffin and not a sneezing, and am in good Hellth.

I am grateful that I provide a refuge for bad smells.

I am grateful that I do not need to be refrigerated.

I am grateful that I am satisfied with my life because I have no idea where to get a refund.

I am grateful that my head contains nothing in particular. This keeps me smiling all the time.

I am grateful that I am washable, and do not permanently stain clothing.

I am grateful that I suffer from a fine madness, and defy classification by social workers.

I am grateful that I go on forever even after my blog stops.

SIGNS THAT DO NOT BELONG

Sign at a construction site

Sign in a womb

 Sign in a dream

Sign in the parliament buildings

Sign in Hell

Sign at a prison

Sign in a movie theater

Sign in Heaven

 Sign at the end of a blog

IF ONLY WE COULD HEAR . . .

"People who live in me should be neat."
                                                - A Glass House


"It's not fair that the paper charged me with sexual assault.  I was only rubbing out pencil marks."
                                                - An Eraser


"I know the meaning of life!"
                                                - A Dictionary


"I wish people would piss off and not in me!"
                                                - A Swimming Pool


"How can I see so many soles and not be in Heaven or Hell?"
                                                 - A Floor


"One day I hope to be a great novel."
                                                  - A Tree


"How the hell can I be the new black?"
                                                   - An Orange


"Okay.  Enough!  It's time for a change."
                                                   - The Climate

  

 

NEW WAYS OF SAYING THINGS

Instead of "Go to hell!"  say  "Get married!"

"I have to go to the bathroom."    - 
"I have to make a donation to The Sewage Foundation."

(Guess)            -  "Coitus away!"

(Guess again)   -  "Please dine on bodily waste!"

"He died."        -  "He's now the centerfold for  Maggot Magazine." 

Penis                -   Kingie

Vagina              -  Queenie

Masturbation    -  Taking Kingie/Queenie out to play

Menstruation    -  Dracula's favorite time of the month

 

HAVE YOU FOUND THE LORD?

I am standing at a bus stop minding my own business . . . 

             "Pardon me, sir, but have you found the Lord?"
             "I didn't know that He was lost."  I replied.  (I borrowed the words from my grandfather who, according to my father, used them many years ago when accosted by a Jesus Junkie.)

The Jesus Junkie, who had accosted me, was a well-dressed young man.  He ignored my answer and continued.
       
              "Do you know God's plan for us?"
              "No, but I trust She has a good one."
              "She?" asked the Jesus Junkie.  "She?  God is not                   woman.  God is a man."
               "Really?  God is a man?  Does that mean that He's a real                 suck when he gets sick?"
               "You're making fun of God."
               "That's right I'm making fun.  Just like God was making fun by creating human beings.  What a sense of humor God has!"
               "So you haven't accepted Jesus Christ as your Saviour?"
               "Nope."
               "Then you're going to go to Hell when you die."
               "Yup.  Are you going to Hell when you die?"
               "No, of course not!"
               "Good, then I won't mind being there."

At that point the bus arrived and saved us.  The bus saved me because the Jesus Junkie did not get on, and it saved the Jesus Junkie from my smart-ass answers. 

As the bus pulled away from the stop, I felt sorry for poor God The Almighty.  Imagine having to rely on human beings to help save the Universe? 

 

THE ANIT-CHRIST, ADAM & EVE, THE DEVIL AND A CHICKEN, ETC.

QUESTION . . .

JUDGEMENT DAY?

A Christian group claims that the world will end Saturday May 21, 2011.  On this date, Jesus will  come back to take all the goodies up to Heaven, and leave the baddies to burn in Hell forever and ever, Amen.  Of course this happens with the approval of a God that loves "unconditionally."

What will be the excuse, or excuses, this group will come up with on Sunday May 22, 2011?  Our calculations were off?  God changed His mind?  Jesus wasn't feeling well?   Jesus' chariot broke down?   The Rapture ruptured?  We forgot that Heaven is closed on weekends?  The dog ate my Bible?  The Devil made us say it?               The Toronto Maple Leafs didn't win the Stanley Cup?   What will their excuse be for the world not ending? 


(I have an asbestos suit ready just in case.)