JOB DESCRIPTIONS

ADDICTIONS COUNSELOR  -  Counsels people on how to become addicted to coffee, cigarettes, alcohol and other drugs.



LAWYER - Practises law and sometimes gets it right.



PHOTOGRAPHER - Takes pictures, but returns them once he or she gets caught.



IMMIGRATION OFFICER - Examines applications for immigration, citizenship and visas and lets everybody in anyway.



POLICE OFFICER - Protects people and property by handing out tickets.



FUNNY BONE TECHNICIAN - Attempts to service the funny bone by writing silly blogs.  

SATAN LEADER OF HELL

How did Satan get his job?  Did he apply along with other devils?  Did he see an ad in the Help Wanted section of the newspaper?

WANTED:  Self-motivated, disciplined being with leadership skills to run a place of torment and punishment in the afterlife.  Previous experience an asset but not necessary.  Base salary plus commission on souls collected.  Send resumès to The Creator of the Universe . . . 

What about the interview for this job?  Did God conduct it, or did he delegate it?

How about the devils who applied and did not get the job?  How did they feel reading the rejection letter?

Dear One of a Million Devils,

Thank you for your interest in Hell.  We have reviewed your resumè and were most impressed with your skills and qualifications.  Unfortunately we cannot offer you this job because another candidate's qualifications better suited our needs.  

We appreciate your interest in Hell, and wish you every success in finding a job in another universe.

Sincerely,

Archangel Michael

Satan's job must have good benefits and a good pension.  If it didn't, then why would he keep it forever?

PRACTICE MAKES YOU PERFECTLY TIRED, AND OTHER SAYINGS

Two is company, three is a crowd and I didn't learn any numbers after three.


Great behinds stink alike.


If God had meant us to fly, then he would have given us zippers.


If a job is worth doing, then it is worth getting someone else to do it.


It's better to give than to receive--especially when it comes to diseases.


Where there's smoke, there's fire and coughing and choking and death--maybe.


The pen is mightier than the sword.  HA!


The buck stops here, and so does this blog.

JOB LAYOFFS

Here are some people we would love to see laid-off:

• Doctors because people are too healthy;
• Funeral Directors for obvious reasons;
• Police because not enough crime; and 
• Tow truck drivers because no accidents and car breakdowns.

We now join God in His boss' office . . . 

"I'm sorry, God," says God's boss, "but not enough people believe in you for us to continue to keep you on as Ruler of the Universe.  We have a generous severance package which includes medical and dental benefits, and career counselling with assistance finding another job.  It is such a generous package that we know your lawyer won't want any changes when he or she looks it over."
"I have one request," says God.
"Yes?" asks His boss.
"Can you ask Satan to lend me a lawyer.  There aren't any in Heaven."
"Will do."
"Thanks.  What will happen to the Universe?" asks God.
"We will close it down."
"But what about the people of Earth?" asks God.
"Don't worry," says God's boss, "they'll be too busy watching television, playing computer games, or reading blogs to notice."

SOME JOB INTERVIEW QUESTIONS YOU WILL NEVER BE ASKED

Are you a serial killer?  (If so, then do we have to worry about losing staff if we hire you?)

How do you feel about Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle?

Have you ever seen a ghost using a cell phone during a haunting?

How would you describe your guts?

Do you work well during nuclear wars?

Are you suicidal?  

Is there a God?  

Do you start to smell if you haven't washed for three months?

Would you rather be liked, or licked? 

What about your salary?  Were you expecting to be paid with money?

Can you scratch your head and rub your belly at the same time?

Do you work well with zombies?
  
Did you know that The boss is not always right, but she is always the boss?

Where will you be 347 years from now?

Is Gary Johnston the best thing since the invention of lubricants for enema nozzles?

CURES?

 "Cures?   Do not talk to me about cures.  You can talk to me about treatments,  but do not talk to me about cures.  I had a nice,  soft,  high-paying job until they found a cure."

                                                         -  Patrick  O.  Sobriety
                                                            Former CEO
                                                            The Canadian Polio Society

NEPOTISM

Nepotism. People complain about nepotism out of jealousy of those who benefit from nepotism. I have never heard anyone say, "It's not fair that my uncle got me this high-paying job with no heavy lifting."

Nepotism has been around for years. Look at God. He gave his son a good job.