Somewhere In The Universe . . .

Professor Kenneth T. Kissmytesttube, who has a Ph.D in Ph.D's, postulates that . . . 

Somewhere in the Universe, there is a store whose products are of such bad quality that there are signs on the shelves stating, 

SORRY

THIS ITEM IS IN STOCK

Somewhere in the Universe, police give speeding tickets to radar.

Somewhere in the Universe, couches listen to psychiatrists.

Somewhere in the Universe, crossword puzzles solve people.

Somewhere in the Universe, bananas use overripe people to make bread.

Somewhere in the Universe, white power has something to do with snow and electricity.

Somewhere in the Universe, Canada is a major world power.

Somewhere in the Universe, books publish writers.

Somewhere in the Universe, it rains umbrellas.

Somewhere in the Universe, tulips wear lipstick.

Somewhere in the Universe, neighbors do not live in neighborhoods.

Somewhere in the Universe, there are Second Aid boxes.

And finally, Professor Kissmytesttube thinks that . . . 

Somewhere in the Universe, funny bone technicians make millions of dollars from their blogs.

A SNAKE GOES TO THE DOCTOR . . .

A snake goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm having problems with my hand-to-eye coordination."
The doctor stands and then walks out the door saying, "I'm leaving this joke.  I hate talking snakes!"

*

The Universe walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

The Universe says, "I'll have a diet beer, please."

"A what?" asks the bartender.  "A diet beer?"

"Yes," says the Universe. "I'm trying to lose weight.  I've been expanding ever since the Big Bang and now my dimensions don't fit."

*

A gold prospector goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I have a sore back."

The doctor says, "I can fix that."

The doctor gives the gold prospector a needle full of poison which kills the prospector and cures his sore back.  The doctor steals the prospector's gold and disposes of his body.  Having all that gold allowed the doctor to quick doctoring and live happily ever after.  

Some jokes are like life: unfair.

*

Q:  How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  We don't know.  They have to have a Task Force study the problem and make recommendations.

*

A forest fire walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

The forest fire says,"Water please.  I'm scorched."

*

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"The"

"The who?"

"The End."

"Wait a minute!" shouts the doctor from the snake joke.  "You can't end this blog leaving me in limbo."

But you walked out of the joke.

"I know.  I hate talking snakes.  Please don't leave me without a joke.  Please!"

Okay.

The End goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, no matter what I do I'm always behind."

"Thanks!" says the doctor.

"Thanks?" says The End.  "How does thanks help me?"

And the doctor says, "I wasn't talking to you."

I REMEMBER . . .

Some doctor told me that I have amnesia.  I don't remember his name.  I feel okay.  I think he was mistaken.  My memory is fine.  I can remember things that never happened. 

I remember:

- When an incurable plague raged around the world and killed off nobody;

- When a clown saved Earth from an alien-balloon invasion, and created another universe with a Big Bang;

- When Moses said to God, "Ten?  You only have ten?" 

- When an alien, with a degree in anal probeology, suffered major depression because he could not decide who the biggest asshole was on Earth;

- When I had only a month to live, but lived longer because I did not have a calendar;

- When a zombie ate my brains and then complained, "I'm still hungry!  There wasn't enough."

- When I had to choose between love or money and chose bananas; and

Finally I remember when I ran out of ideas.

GOD'S MESSAGE TO HUMANS . . .

"Hello Humans?  This is God.  Either stop your wars, or kill each other quietly.  I'm trying to run the Universe and can't focus with all your noise.

Thank you."

IN THE BEGINNING . . .

In the beginning there was me.  I was all there was.  I was all there ever would be.  My wonderful, self-centered existence would have continued forever if God had not ruined it.

For unknown reasons, God created the Heavens and the Earth and the rest of the damn Universe.  I was no longer the center of things.  I was not even close to the center, and nothing revolved around me.

God has a habit of hampering things.  You make plans, and everything is going along fine.  Then God creates a universe, or sends something like a flood or an earthquake, and there's a crimp in your plans.

I have been calling God for eons, but God's secretary says that God is always off somewhere creating other universes.  

Other universes?  God creating other universes?  How comforting to know that I am not the only one who is no longer self-centered.

JOB LAYOFFS

Here are some people we would love to see laid-off:

• Doctors because people are too healthy;
• Funeral Directors for obvious reasons;
• Police because not enough crime; and 
• Tow truck drivers because no accidents and car breakdowns.

We now join God in His boss' office . . . 

"I'm sorry, God," says God's boss, "but not enough people believe in you for us to continue to keep you on as Ruler of the Universe.  We have a generous severance package which includes medical and dental benefits, and career counselling with assistance finding another job.  It is such a generous package that we know your lawyer won't want any changes when he or she looks it over."
"I have one request," says God.
"Yes?" asks His boss.
"Can you ask Satan to lend me a lawyer.  There aren't any in Heaven."
"Will do."
"Thanks.  What will happen to the Universe?" asks God.
"We will close it down."
"But what about the people of Earth?" asks God.
"Don't worry," says God's boss, "they'll be too busy watching television, playing computer games, or reading blogs to notice."

THE UNIVERSE, MIXED MARRIAGE AND A BAR

I became One with The Universe, and got an infection in my solar system.  When I went to my doctor, he said that I should have practiced "safe meditation."

"How do you practice safe meditation?" I asked.

"He answered, "Very carefully."

 ***

 

Did you hear about the skunk that fell in love with a fart?  Conservative skunks told him that the relationship was not right; that he should stick with stinks of his own kind.  But love transcends all boundaries including bad smells.

The fart experienced the same resistance from her parents and other farts.  She had to flee from an asshole to be with the skunk.  They ran off and got married.

Some said, "Their children won't know whether they are skunks or farts."  This was not a problem.  The skunk and fart raised their children not as skunks or farts, but as bad smells.  They lived smellaby ever after.

***

A bar walks into another bar.  What a mess!  Booze and broken glass all over the place!  The patrons fled, both bartenders suffered major injuries.  This joke has to stop now before anyone else gets hurt.

RECYCLED STUFF TO FILL THE SPACE WHILE I SEEK MY DEEPER MOTIVES

ART FOR ART'S SAKE

Many people believe that art for art's sake is about the the intrinsic value of art.  This is not what this saying means.

"Art" goes by his first name to avoid getting caught.  He makes liquor illegally.  Art makes the best Japanese rice wine this side of the Universe.

Art for Art's Sake has nothing to do with art.  It's only "Art" promoting his Japanese rice wine.

  

". . . And finally, we find the state of your public washrooms below standard compared to other public washrooms in the Universe. The threat of dirty public washrooms by any group -- anywhere -- can no longer be tolerated . . . "

AND ANOTHER CONVERSATION WITH MY BLOG . . .

Blog:  My Gigabytes!  Where have you been?

Me:    Here, there and everywhere?  I'm not sure.  My mind is on an extended vacation.  It is touring the Universe.  I don't know when it will be back.

Blog:   Can you write without your mind?

Me:     Sure, no problem.  I do so all the time.

Blog:    So,  can I expect regular visits?

Me:      My good friend Alexander Pope said, " Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed."

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS

Santa Claus was the first high-school dropout to make it big.  He hated high school.  Everyone teased him about his weight, and always wearing a red suit.  He dropped out of high school and headed to the North Pole.  The rest is fantasy.

The Universe is 13 billion years old,  and has never been to a doctor.  The Universe attributes its long life and good health to being everything that exists.

Composer Franz Liszt's first name was not always Franz.  He changed it to Franz from Grocery.

O.J. Simpson was part of  the conspiracy to kill John F. Kennedy.  O.J. was prepared to give President Kennedy poisoned orange juice if the bullets did not kill him.

The dark side of the Moon would disappear if the Moon practised better hygiene.

Cell phones are one of the leading causes of talking.

Canada welcomes new diseases and viruses.  They may apply for visas or work permits.

Faust has a twin brother named Slowst.  Few know this about Faust because Slowst is still moving through the birth canal. 

All things must pass.  Some things must piss.

Anti and uncle oxidants will keep you healthy.

Another day is . . .  another day.