Top Ten Excuses For The Gap Between Blogs

The last blog was on January 19th.  Here are the top ten reasons for the gap between it and this blog:

10 - The dog ate my Internet.

9 - My computer eloped with my smart phone.

8 - I couldn't find a pencil and paper.

7 - I was eaten by cannibals, but they barfed.

6 - I joined a cult, rested in bed and drank plenty of fluids and the cult went away.

5 - My uncle died for the third time.

4 - January 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28 and 29 were religious holidays.

3 - I had the swine flu and the bird flu and discovered that pigs can fly.

2 - I washed my brain and couldn't do a thing with it.

And the Number 1 excuse for the gap between the last blog and this blog:  Space.

ALL ABOUT AIR

Air walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Why would you walk in when you're already here?"
And air said, "I like to get around."
"What will it be?" asked the bartender.  "The same thing you're having over there?"
Air looked over at itself in another part of the bar drinking a beer.
"No, I'd like something different," said air.  "I'll have--"
But then the wind blew through an open window, and air was gone.
And the bartender said, "Thank God that the wind in this joke was not strong enough to blow away my bar!"



"I can get high without you," said the air to the marijuana.



Where does air sleep?



If air is a gaseous mixture, then how come it never farts?



An airhead walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What can I get you?"
The airhead said, "Ummmmmm . . . "
"A beer?  Juice?  A scotch and water?  What would you like?" said the bartender.
And the airhead said, "Ummmmmm . . . "
"Look," said the bartender, "you must have wanted a drink.  Why else would you walk into a bar?"
"A bar?" said the airhead.  "A bar?  I thought this was a place for meditation."



"What's the difference between air and space?"
"I don't know.  What?"
"Space is cleaner because it has a vacuum."



Where does air end?

HOLIDAYS YOU NEVER HEARD OF

JULY 7 - SPILL-YOUR-COFFEE DAY

July 7 is celebrated every year to remember those who have spilled their cups of coffee ever since coffee was invented.
To celebrate this day, one must spill one's coffee on July 7 at 11:00 a.m.


MARCH 9 - MONEY-DOES- NOT-MATTER DAY

People who have lots of money celebrate this day.  People with no money are too busy looking for food and shelter to celebrate.


FEBRUARY 30 - DOES-NOT-EXIST DAY

February 30 is celebrated every year by people who do not exist.


SEPTEMBER 18 - CIA DAY

On this day, commemorating the date the CIA was founded in 1947, people celebrate by overthrowing governments, and trying out drugs on family and friends. 


JANUARY 27 - OUT-OF-WORK DAY

Every January 27, people celebrate this day even if they are not out of work.  They begin their day by sleeping in, and then eventually get up an mope.  


AUGUST 23 - INTELLIGENT-BUM DAY

All the smart-asses in the world celebrate this day to the point that everyone else gets irritated.


(FLOATING HOLIDAY) - NOTHING DAY

People celebrate Nothing Day on any day of the year.  It is especially popular on Out-Of-Work Day, January 27.  On Nothing Day people contemplate the vacuum of space and how much dust it can hold before you have to empty the bag. 

HODGEPODGE

Take a reverse-photography course if you want to learn how to leave better pictures.

           Do cars and trucks ever play bridge?

 

WHY AM I HERE?

Why am I here?  What is the purpose of my life?  

My life has more than one purpose.  Here are some of the reasons I am here:

I am here to give the government money.  Like most people, I do so reluctantly.

I am here to provide a home for the occasional virus.  Viruses are homeless, and I provide temporary lodgings before they move to someone else.  

I am here to serve as a bad example.  Family and friends often point to me and say, "Don't be like him."

I am here to take up space.  Nature abhors a vacuum. 

I am here to keep grocery stores in business.  This is easy to do as long as I keep eating.

I am here to make people laugh.  I do not know how well I am doing with this purpose, but I am trying.  Some would say, "Very trying!"

I am here because I am not there.

NEW PRODUCTS

Solar-Powered Dildoe

Hands-Free Air 

Microchips  (For people cutting back on junk food)

Stoned Rocks  (For your garden of pot)

Invisible Space  (To go with your hands-free air)

A Walking Saucer  (For aliens who fear flying)

Clothing That Never Needs Washing   (This is not new.  Our clothing is already like this, but we wash it for social and health reasons.)

A Dicless Dictionary  (Also known as a Tionary)

(A surprise ending)   

SNIPPETS OF CONVERSATIONS FROM FLYING SAUCERS . . .

 

RECYCLED STUFF TO FILL THE SPACE WHILE I SEEK MY DEEPER MOTIVES

FUNNY BONE PHYSICS

Does String Theory state what to do with broken shoelaces?


Q:  What did one space with no matter say to another space with no matter?
A:  "I'd like a void with you."


Is radiocarbon a dirty wireless listening device?


Quantum physicists say that a particle can appear in two places at the same time.  This happens with me.  Quite often my foot will be on the ground and in my mouth at the same time.


Sound wave?  How does a sound wave when it has no hands?


Is a light year a year with less than twelve months?


I'm in love!  I fell for the Law of Gravity.


How wonderful that atoms do not think like human beings!  Where would we be if atoms did not mix and join and intermarry?

MORE PICTURES NOT AT AN EXHIBITION