MOVIES YOU WILL NEVER SEE . . .

INVASION OF THE GOAT-CHEESE FARTS

An evil race of goat-cheese farts, from a planet in the Aries Constellation, attack Earth.  General Air Freshener leads an army of armed fragrances to stop the goat-cheese farts from global domination.

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AW NUTS!

A squirrel falls in love with his psychiatrist while the psychiatrist is treating the squirrel for Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD).

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 "What's this smoking thing doing in a blog about movies not seen?"

"I don't know.  It just turned up.  Perhaps it will go away if we ignore it."

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Two lunchboxes fall in love under a full noon.

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 THE SPELL

A witch wreaks havoc when she casts spells at a Spelling Bee.

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A funny bone technician stops blogging for today.  He goes to the grocery store for material for future blogs.  

"How exciting.  I'm glad I'll never see that movie."

"Me too."

WHY AM I HERE?

Why am I here?  What is the purpose of my life?  

My life has more than one purpose.  Here are some of the reasons I am here:

I am here to give the government money.  Like most people, I do so reluctantly.

I am here to provide a home for the occasional virus.  Viruses are homeless, and I provide temporary lodgings before they move to someone else.  

I am here to serve as a bad example.  Family and friends often point to me and say, "Don't be like him."

I am here to take up space.  Nature abhors a vacuum. 

I am here to keep grocery stores in business.  This is easy to do as long as I keep eating.

I am here to make people laugh.  I do not know how well I am doing with this purpose, but I am trying.  Some would say, "Very trying!"

I am here because I am not there.

IT'S A CONSPIRACY?

Does this happen to you?  You see that there is no lineup to the cashier at a store.  You start to walk towards the cashier thinking, "No lineup!  It won't take me long to checkout my one item."  But as you walk towards the cashier, suddenly hordes of people appear out of nowhere and form a line.  All of them have a hundred items or more to check out.  You wait in line that was not there seconds ago, and age several years before you get to the cashier. 

How about this?  You have to go to the washroom.  Your gut is about to burst.  There's a clear path to the public washroom.  You can see it.  But as you walk this clear path to the washroom with such great determination, people come out of nowhere and cut you off by crossing your path, or they walk slowly in front of you.  No more clear path.

It's a conspiracy!  Everybody has a miniature radio in their head that they use to transmit and receive messages.

Here's a typical radio transmission:

"I see him.  He's walking towards the cashier.  Oh my God, there is no lineup at the cashier.  That means he will get through in no time.  I'm close to the cashier.  Can anyone else help out?"

"I can get behind you.  I have a grocery cart full of groceries."

"So can I.  I have lots of groceries to hold him up."

"Me, too."

"Me, too."

"Me, too."

And then there is a lineup where there was none before.

It's the conspirators' goal to make sure that I don't get to where I am going.  If they can't stop me, then they make it as inconvenient as possible.  This happens no matter where I am going.

Am I the only one this happens to?  Am I the only one who does not have a miniature radio in my head?

MUSINGS OF AN ENLIGHTENED BUDDHA PRETENDING TO BE SOMETHING ELSE

In a grocery store is a sign marking one aisle and one aisle only,   "Sanitary Products."   Only one aisle?  Shouldn't all the products in a grocery store be sanitary?

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Isn't it odd that an improv class is time planned to learn how to be spontaneous?

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How can there be "all natural artificial flavors"?

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Is there a market for bug-free spiders' webs?

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Which law firm prepared God's will?

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Should I join Borders Without Borders?

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Should I join Courageous Cowards Against Bravery?

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What are The Top Ten Numbers?

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Osho says that we are Enlightened Buddhas pretending to be something else?

If we are enlightened, then why would we pretend to be something else?