SOME MOVIE SCENES

ON DOGS AND SNIFFING

Why do dogs have to sniff and sniff and sniff before they poop or pee?  How badly do they have to go?

Imagine you have to go badly.  You're bursting at the gut.  You're on the verge of going in your pants.  Finally!  Finally you find a washroom.  Are you going to sniff around and then say, "Nope.  I can't go here.  This place does not smell right."?

IT'S A CONSPIRACY?

Does this happen to you?  You see that there is no lineup to the cashier at a store.  You start to walk towards the cashier thinking, "No lineup!  It won't take me long to checkout my one item."  But as you walk towards the cashier, suddenly hordes of people appear out of nowhere and form a line.  All of them have a hundred items or more to check out.  You wait in line that was not there seconds ago, and age several years before you get to the cashier. 

How about this?  You have to go to the washroom.  Your gut is about to burst.  There's a clear path to the public washroom.  You can see it.  But as you walk this clear path to the washroom with such great determination, people come out of nowhere and cut you off by crossing your path, or they walk slowly in front of you.  No more clear path.

It's a conspiracy!  Everybody has a miniature radio in their head that they use to transmit and receive messages.

Here's a typical radio transmission:

"I see him.  He's walking towards the cashier.  Oh my God, there is no lineup at the cashier.  That means he will get through in no time.  I'm close to the cashier.  Can anyone else help out?"

"I can get behind you.  I have a grocery cart full of groceries."

"So can I.  I have lots of groceries to hold him up."

"Me, too."

"Me, too."

"Me, too."

And then there is a lineup where there was none before.

It's the conspirators' goal to make sure that I don't get to where I am going.  If they can't stop me, then they make it as inconvenient as possible.  This happens no matter where I am going.

Am I the only one this happens to?  Am I the only one who does not have a miniature radio in my head?

WAVING

I was using a urinal in a public washroom.  Beside me was a decrepit old man with a cane; however, not all of him was decrepit.  I assumed he was at the urinal doing the same thing that I was doing.   No, he was not.  He had his manhood in his right hand -- actually it was his gianthood for God had been kind to him -- and was waving it at me.  I thought I was mistaken when I first caught his action out of the corner of my eye, but I turned and looked.  There he was smiling and waving his wang.

I looked him straight in the eye and said, "NO, thank you." 

This did not stop him.  He started waving even faster, and bent forward trying to look at what I was still holding in my right hand. 

In my loudest, deepest most authoritarian voice I said, "DO YOU MIND?" 

He stopped smiling.  He stopped waving.  He bowed his head and put his putz away.  Crestfallen, he turned and hobbled out of the washroom.  Perhaps the weight between his legs was the reason he needed to walk with a cane.

What was he hoping to accomplish by waving his giant one-eyed monster at me?  Did he think I was a member of a secret club, and he was giving me the secret greeting?  Was he an alien transmitting an important message about the upcoming invasion?  Was he simply exercising his right hand?  I may go to that great restroom in the sky never knowing.

 By the way, why do they call it a

 "restroom" when there is no place to rest? 

THE OTHER NIGHT . . .

"Excuse me? May I use your washroom?"