Alien:  Why does Gary always disappear when it is time for his annual anal probe?

SHORT SHORT STORIES

Once upon a time there was the Number 2 who liked to do things twice.  
Once upon a time there was the Number 2 who liked to do things twice.
Once upon a time there was the Number 2 who liked to do things twice.
One day the Number 2 did something three times.  The other number 2's did not like this.  It frightened them.  They killed the Number 2 for doing something three times.

The End   The End

*

Once upon a time there was a promise.  This promise broke after a bad fall.  All the king's horses and all the king's men could not fix the promise.  The promise thought its life was over, but soon found lots of work with politicians.  The promise remained broken happily ever after.

*

Once upon a time there was an injured alien who said, "I don't belong in this blog.  I belong at the crash site in Roswell, New Mexico."

POOF!

He was gone.

*

Once upon a time there was a bad memory.  I forget the rest of the story.

*

Once upon The End

I REMEMBER . . .

Some doctor told me that I have amnesia.  I don't remember his name.  I feel okay.  I think he was mistaken.  My memory is fine.  I can remember things that never happened. 

I remember:

- When an incurable plague raged around the world and killed off nobody;

- When a clown saved Earth from an alien-balloon invasion, and created another universe with a Big Bang;

- When Moses said to God, "Ten?  You only have ten?" 

- When an alien, with a degree in anal probeology, suffered major depression because he could not decide who the biggest asshole was on Earth;

- When I had only a month to live, but lived longer because I did not have a calendar;

- When a zombie ate my brains and then complained, "I'm still hungry!  There wasn't enough."

- When I had to choose between love or money and chose bananas; and

Finally I remember when I ran out of ideas.

I DON'T BELIEVE IN FLYING SAUCERS

SOMEWHERE FAR ABOVE THE EARTH . . .

"Human," said the Zogar, "we have conducted all manner of tests to discover where you get your ideas and we are at a loss.  Can you tell us?"

"I belong to the Association for the Advancement of Nothing (AAN)," said the human.  "Every month they mail me their newsletter which is full of ideas."

"Where is this Association for the Advancement of Nothing?" asked Zogar.

"It's in Void City, Nowhere."

"Can anyone join?"

"I guess you would think that since I am a member," said the human.  "AAN is selective about its membership."

"How can I join?" asked Zogar.

"Send proof to AAN on how you have advanced nothing.  They will let you know whether you qualify for membership."

"Thanks," said Zogar, "you're free to go.  If you follow me, then I will take you to the beam-down room."

"Okay, but before I go," said the human, "I have a question."

"Ask," said Zogar.

"Did your anal probe make my ass look big?"

THE TRUTH IS . . .

The sign reads, Please excuse the renovations.  We are renovating in order to serve you better.

The truth is, Please excuse the renovations.  We are renovating in order to use up the money in our budget, and a relative just happens to have a contracting company.  If we do not use this money up, then we will not be able to justify asking for more money next year.


The label on food and medicine reads, Sealed for your protection.

The truth is, Sealed for OUR protection.

The truth is, We don't care whether you fall.  Our ass is covered because we warned you.

 

The truth is,  Drivers go as fast as they want -- unless they see a cop lurking nearby.

 The truth is, That isn't all, folks, but aliens have come for my annual anal probe.

ALIEN REPORT I

The human beings call it "winter" here in the Northern Hemisphere.   The Earth is tilted on its axis away from the Sun.  Temperatures are so low that water freezes.

Humans have an odd winter activity.  They attach metal blades to their feet and balance themselves on frozen water.  Then they move around and around in oblong circles which is usually the shape of the large container holding the frozen water.   Sometimes the humans move clockwise, and sometimes they move counter clockwise.  Whatever the direction, they keep going round and round and round and round and round and round and . . .  

It does not take much to amuse human beings.
   

FUN WITH ALIENS

An alien walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

The alien says, "Nothing for me, but you're about to have an anal probe."

Q:  Why did the alien cross the road?

A:  To abduct a chicken.

An alien walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it--wait a minute.  Didn't I see you at the beginning of this blog?"

The alien says, "Yes."

The bartender says, "I remember that you came in here and that you did not order anything.  I don't remember what happened after that."

 

THE STANDARD FOR INSANITY

I went to bed and . . . 

"We abducted you because we are looking for The Standard for Insanity," said the aliens.

 "If you're looking for The Standard for Insanity, then why are you giving me an anal probe?"  I asked.

"We are not sure where you keep your brains," replied the aliens.

After the anal probe, the aliens asked me the following questions:

1. Are you in love with the moon?
2. Do you ever talk to the moon?
3. Is your idea of reality the same as other earthlings' idea of reality?
4. Do you have a favorite mental disorder?  If so, then what is it and why is it your favorite?
5. Are you a psychiatrist's dream?  
6. Have you ever been out of your mind for longer than 93 years?
7. How many personalities do you have?  (If more than one, then list them with their names.)
8. Do you own a straitjacket?
9. Do you believe in hallucinations?
10. Is abnormal normal for you?

 After answering their questions I asked, "Am I The Standard for Insanity?"

"We will let you know," said the aliens.  

Suddenly I was back in my bed.  Will the aliens choose me to be The Standard for Insanity? 

 

SHHHH!

What ever happened to a library being a place of silence?   A stern-looking spinster librarian would  shush!  you if you were breathing too loud.  Now librarians are no longer stern-looking spinsters, and library silence is on display somewhere in a museum.

People must wake up and say, "I think I'll go to the library today and talk on my cell phone.  When not talking on my cell phone, I'll talk and socialize with my friends." 

Signs asking people to be quiet and not use their cell phones are mere decorations.  Sometimes the librarians themselves are gabbing away.  

I love silence.  Where can I find it?  Nowhere?  Outer Space?  I may find it if I went to Nowhere.  I am not confident that I will find silence in Outer Space.  I suspect that should I go to Outer Space, looking for silence, I will find an alien blabbing on his cell phone.

"Yeah, Goink, you're right.  Listen, let me call you back.  I'm just heading to Earth.  I'll call you when I get to a library.  Okay.  Bye."

WAVING

I was using a urinal in a public washroom.  Beside me was a decrepit old man with a cane; however, not all of him was decrepit.  I assumed he was at the urinal doing the same thing that I was doing.   No, he was not.  He had his manhood in his right hand -- actually it was his gianthood for God had been kind to him -- and was waving it at me.  I thought I was mistaken when I first caught his action out of the corner of my eye, but I turned and looked.  There he was smiling and waving his wang.

I looked him straight in the eye and said, "NO, thank you." 

This did not stop him.  He started waving even faster, and bent forward trying to look at what I was still holding in my right hand. 

In my loudest, deepest most authoritarian voice I said, "DO YOU MIND?" 

He stopped smiling.  He stopped waving.  He bowed his head and put his putz away.  Crestfallen, he turned and hobbled out of the washroom.  Perhaps the weight between his legs was the reason he needed to walk with a cane.

What was he hoping to accomplish by waving his giant one-eyed monster at me?  Did he think I was a member of a secret club, and he was giving me the secret greeting?  Was he an alien transmitting an important message about the upcoming invasion?  Was he simply exercising his right hand?  I may go to that great restroom in the sky never knowing.

 By the way, why do they call it a

 "restroom" when there is no place to rest? 

I'M GETTING TIRED OF REALITY . . .

 

                                             (Famous quote by Nuth Thing)

                         

"Excuse me? May I use your washroom?"

Is Allen the Alien's occasional drooling the only reason he can't get a date?

"Does my tan need more work?"