HEALTH TIPS

Get lots of Vitamin OQ.
(Vitamin OQ doesn't exist, but you should still get lots of it because it's good for you.)


Eat food only, and don't snack on the furniture.


Stay away from organic poisons.


See a doctor at least once every 50 years.


Never walk on the sun.


Avoid pain.


Use bricks instead of wood to build a strong immune system.


Plan your meals using food.


Energize yourself by playing with live electrical wires.


Keep breathing.

MISCELLANEOUS THOUGHTS AND SOME PROFANITY

Hey Food & Water!  I say when you go into my body.  Why can't I say when you come out of my body?

Do bears bear anything in mind?

"Is there going to be a race war?"
"Yup, lots of them in Rio de Janiero at the Olympic Games."

A man was shouting on the street, "Fuckin' oath!  God damn oath!  Fuckin' oath!"  His friend asked, "What are you doing?"  The man replied, "Swearing an oath."

No one is above using profanity--not even God.  Every time he looks down upon Earth and sees what the human beings are doing he says, "What the fuck?"

THE TRUTH IS . . .

The sign reads, Please excuse the renovations.  We are renovating in order to serve you better.

The truth is, Please excuse the renovations.  We are renovating in order to use up the money in our budget, and a relative just happens to have a contracting company.  If we do not use this money up, then we will not be able to justify asking for more money next year.


The label on food and medicine reads, Sealed for your protection.

The truth is, Sealed for OUR protection.

The truth is, We don't care whether you fall.  Our ass is covered because we warned you.

 

The truth is,  Drivers go as fast as they want -- unless they see a cop lurking nearby.

 The truth is, That isn't all, folks, but aliens have come for my annual anal probe.

MY LIFE AS A KAYAK or RANDOM THOUGHTS ON A PIECE OF PAPER

Would you buy meat from a butcher named Jack Ripper?

I had a dream that I was a mountain on a golf course.  Everyone hated me.

A true Canadian dog barks in English and French.

I put my money where my mouth is and discovered that money is not as good as food.

A cutting board will not protect you from ultra violet light.

Has anyone ever been attacked by a shark while surfing the Internet?

People eat rye bread.  Philosophers eat why bread.

 

MEANINGS

Mother Tongue to us means one thing.  What does it mean to Oedipus Rex?

A good beginning makes a good ending.  Is this true for war and marriage?

 A house is not a home.  Does this apply to turtles, too?

 Variety is the spice of life.  Try finding this spice to put on your food.

What goes up must come down.  Not when it comes to aging.

A selfie works for us.  How does it work for someone with multiple personalities?  

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.  Was this written by a surgeon?

What about Earth Day?

 

IF WHAT THEY SAY IN ADS WERE TRUE

If what they say in ads were true, then there are all kinds of people and businesses out there whose only goal is to save me money.  They are not interested in making money for themselves.  They are only interested in saving ME money.  Of course, I may have to give them some of my money in order for them to save it for me.  That's a minor detail.

If what they say in ads were true, then the car I drive, the soap I use, the deodorant I use, the toothpaste and mouthwash I use -- even the gum I chew will get me sex.   Wow, it's that simple!  No more lonely nights!

If what they say in ads were true, then using a certain laundry soap will keep me happy all the time because my clothes are clean and  smell clean. And using certain household cleaners will also make me happy because with little or no effort, they keep my house clean and smelling clean.

If what they say in ads were true, then the food I eat will keep me happy and healthy and stop me from gaining weight. 

If what they say in ads were true  . . .  It's a wonderful world!