Showing posts with label gaining weight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gaining weight. Show all posts
Sunday, June 11, 2017
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
IF WHAT THEY SAY IN ADS WERE TRUE
If what they say in ads were true, then there are all kinds of people and businesses out there whose only goal is to save me money. They are not interested in making money for themselves. They are only interested in saving ME money. Of course, I may have to give them some of my money in order for them to save it for me. That's a minor detail.
If what they say in ads were true, then the car I drive, the soap I use, the deodorant I use, the toothpaste and mouthwash I use -- even the gum I chew will get me sex. Wow, it's that simple! No more lonely nights!
If what they say in ads were true, then using a certain laundry soap will keep me happy all the time because my clothes are clean and smell clean. And using certain household cleaners will also make me happy because with little or no effort, they keep my house clean and smelling clean.
If what they say in ads were true, then the food I eat will keep me happy and healthy and stop me from gaining weight.
If what they say in ads were true . . . It's a wonderful world!
If what they say in ads were true, then the car I drive, the soap I use, the deodorant I use, the toothpaste and mouthwash I use -- even the gum I chew will get me sex. Wow, it's that simple! No more lonely nights!
If what they say in ads were true, then using a certain laundry soap will keep me happy all the time because my clothes are clean and smell clean. And using certain household cleaners will also make me happy because with little or no effort, they keep my house clean and smelling clean.
If what they say in ads were true, then the food I eat will keep me happy and healthy and stop me from gaining weight.
If what they say in ads were true . . . It's a wonderful world!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
FIVE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR 2013
1 - Spend less time with family and friends
My work and watching television are more important than spending time with family and friends. Spending less time with them will allow me to get more work done. Watching more television will move me closer to my goal of having that deer-caught-in-the-headlights look.
2 - Start smoking
I have always enjoyed sticking my head over a chimney stack and inhaling smoke. This is often difficult, and shows a lack of self-control. By smoking, I am able to easily get the same effect while practising moderation.
3 - Start drinking
I am tired of taking responsibility for my actions. If I drink, then I can blame my actions on the alcohol.
4 - Gain weight
My clothes have fit me far too long. It's time for a new wardrobe. By gaining weight I can justify buying new clothes.
5 - Enjoy life less
Look at all the suffering going on in the world. Why should I enjoy my life when others are unable to? I will strive to be more miserable to be in harmony with the rest of the world.
My work and watching television are more important than spending time with family and friends. Spending less time with them will allow me to get more work done. Watching more television will move me closer to my goal of having that deer-caught-in-the-headlights look.
2 - Start smoking
I have always enjoyed sticking my head over a chimney stack and inhaling smoke. This is often difficult, and shows a lack of self-control. By smoking, I am able to easily get the same effect while practising moderation.
3 - Start drinking
I am tired of taking responsibility for my actions. If I drink, then I can blame my actions on the alcohol.
4 - Gain weight
My clothes have fit me far too long. It's time for a new wardrobe. By gaining weight I can justify buying new clothes.
5 - Enjoy life less
Look at all the suffering going on in the world. Why should I enjoy my life when others are unable to? I will strive to be more miserable to be in harmony with the rest of the world.
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