Not All About Death

"When did Death cross the road?"
"I dunno."
"When it was time."



Death walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What do you want?"
And Death said, "You."
(That's it for this joke.)

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Death."

"Sorry, there's no one home."

"How many deaths does it take to change a light bulb?"

"How many?"

"None.  Death likes the dark."

"What's the difference between death and taxes?"

"What?"

"Death starts with a  D and taxes starts with a T."

"What is Death's favorite word?"

"What?"

"Surprise!"

"What is Death's favorite sport?"

"What?"

"War."

"War is not a sport."

"Try telling that to Death."

Where do blogs go after they end?

ON PEARL HARBOR

On December 7, 1941, seventy-five years ago, the Japanese gave new meaning to the word, "surprise."

Pearl Harbor walked into a bar and the bartender said, "I'm not serving you.  The last time you were here you left such a mess."

And Pearl Harbor left feeling destroyed by the bartender's words.

"How many Pearl Harbors does it take to change light bulb?"

"How many?"

"None.  The bombs broke all the bulbs."

"Why did Pearl Harbor cross the road?"

"Why?"

"To devastate the other side."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?

"Pearl Harbor."

Pearl Harbor who?"

BOOM!

WHY THE MILKY WAY HAS AN INFERIORITY COMPLEX

(Picture Audiophile Musings)

The Milky Way has an inferiority complex because it is the only galaxy with human beings.  No other galaxies, in the entire Universe, have human beings on planets in their solar systems.  The other galaxies tease the Milky Way:
"Na! Na! Na! Na! Na!  You have human beings!  You have human beings!" 

The Milky Way has good reason to be ashamed for having human beings:

- Human beings are all the same, but each one sees the others as different.

- Human beings have wars and kill each other for silly reasons.

- Human beings are hypocrites.  Human beings make laws they think apply only to other human beings.  Each human being feels entitled to see himself, or herself, as above the laws they think others must obey. 

The Milky Way wants to wipe out human beings to restore its reputation.  But the Milky Way knows that if it waits long enough, then human beings will destroy themselves--for some silly reason.  

WHAT IF . . .

What if all the tea in China was not in China?  Where would it be?

*

What if all the toilets formed a union and refused to take any crap from us?

*

What if The Mad Woman of Chaillot was not mad and only mildly irritated?

*

What if all art galleries changed into fart galleries and artists became fartists?  (I know, this one stinks.)

*

What if social climbers forgot their knee pads?  How far would they climb?

*

What if no one listened to anyone else?

What?

*

What if gold got old and could not be sold?  

*

What if dancing replaced fighting in war? (And no weapons allowed.)

*

What if I stopped blogging because I had gas and needed to go to a fart gallery?

IT'S ABOUT A JOB . . .

"I used to be a horseshoe for a large horse," said the toilet seat.  "Then I went to university and earned a PhD in Waste Management.  Now I work as the Senior Toilet Seat in a washroom at the University of Toronto."

*

"I make my money from writing," said  A. Can.  "I recently finished a book titled, How To Collect Garbage."

 *

"When I grow up," said the little girl, "I would like to work as a secret for the CIA."

*

"One day I will have the Moon's job," said the asteroid.  "I would get paid to run around the Earth every month, and cause nutty things to happen when I am full.  What fun, and what a way to stay in shape!"

*

"I would like to be the number 3.  I like to have people counting on me."

*

"How much education do you need to get work as a bathtub?"

*

"I once worked as a bomb, and then BOOM my job was gone."

*

"Has fire, working at any job, ever been fired?"

*

"I stopped working as a genius once I got a television."

*

"What education does one need to work as an accident?  A Master's Degree in Chance?"

*

"If you never want to be out of work," said the job counselor, "then get a job as a war."

*

"If I wasn't a funny bone technician," said Gary, "then I would work as a gaudy tie."

TIPS ON STAYING SAFE

Avoid violent people especially people who are violent.


Never make soup with gasoline or any other flammable liquid.  (How come flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?)


Keep away from war zones.


Never jump off a cliff unless it is 2 feet (61 cm) high or less. 


Don't breathe underwater near a nuclear power plant.


When eating, always eat the food and not the spoons, forks, knives and dishes.


Never make friends with a suicide bomber.  


Never invite lions and tigers and bears to parties.


Don't lift anything that weighs more than 2 tons.


Never sleep on the road.


Never eat more than one dictionary per meal.


Beware of sudden endings.

 

GOD'S MESSAGE TO HUMANS . . .

"Hello Humans?  This is God.  Either stop your wars, or kill each other quietly.  I'm trying to run the Universe and can't focus with all your noise.

Thank you."

THOUGHTS AFTER THE APOCALYPSE . . .

The world ended on October 7.  Perhaps that explains my inability to concentrate and have a hodgepodge of thoughts.  But perhaps the ending of the world has nothing to do with my lack of concentration.  Perhaps my mind wanders because I have a little black dog and it doesn't bite.

A balding man once said, "I wish my hair would gain weight."

Did you know that you can effectively clear your sinuses by cutting off your head? 

Does history repeat itself?  Does history repeat itself?



There's no such thing as a constipated politician.  They talk so much you-know-what that it can't get stuck inside them.

Did I mention that I have a little black dog and it doesn't bite?

SEVEN AND A HALF JOKES ABOUT SPORTS

1 - Think of the lives that would be saved if the leaders of warring countries played tennis.  No soldiers.  No battlefield.  No deaths.  Just two leaders battling it out on a tennis court.  If this did happen, then the military-industrial complex would have to find another racket.

2 - A basketball bounces into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

The basketball says, "I need something to calm me down."

"Why is that?" asks the bartender.

"Before this joke," says the basketball, "I couldn't hear or speak.  What a shock Gary Johnston's imagination has been to my system!"

3 - Q:  What do you get when you cross golf with synchronized swimming?

      A: Eighteen holes, and some grass in your swimming pool.

4 - In soccer they kick a ball.  What do they kick in sockhim?  An ovary?

5 - Will baseball bats ever go on strike?

6 -  Q: What do you get when you cross hockey with mud wrestling?

      A:  I puckin' mess. 

7 -  Q:  What did one boxer say to another boxer?

      A:  "Woof!  Woof!"

1/2 - Q:  How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

         A:  

THE DARKER SIDE OF WAR . . .

THE SPIRITUAL SAYINGS OF BOOAZ II

Often occurs often in the English language.

Husbands would have less stress if they listened to and obeyed their wives.

If humans search the heavens, they will find intelligent inchworms.

The time has come to clear our collective unconscious of unnecessary ideas.

No French kisses exist in war.

We need to create an award for being the Best Pain In The Ass.

Keep your theater and concert tickets, for they will be worthless one day.

What I say is true when I say it.  (The passage of time may prove otherwise.)

The End is near

The End is here

Long live The End!

UNNATURAL ACTS WITH NOODLES (PLUS OTHER TOPICS NOT RELATED TO NOODLES)

THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO SEE . . .

 . . . Jian Ghomeshi interviewing Bill Cosby on the topic: Opportunities For Women In The Workplace.

. . . Wonder Woman having sex with The Incredible Hulk.

. . . The death notice for the Dead Sea. (Did it leave a will?)

. . . God admit that He goofed when He created human beings.

. . . Human beings admit that they goofed when they created God.

. . . A war where both sides use toy guns only.

. . . A cow having a hamburger at McDonald's.

. . . A foot with a mouth in it.

. . . A politician answer a question.

. . . A humble bumbling bumblebee.

 . . . A pair of glasses pass an eye test.

. . . The beginning of The End.

ON TERRORISM (And Other Minor Irritations)

Regarding the attack in Ottawa yesterday, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper says,  "We will not be intimidated."
Okay, so why are we increasing security all over the place?

Someone said that the terrorist attacked the heart of Canada's democracy.  Really?  Is Ottawa the heart of Canada's democracy, or the kidney of Canada's corruption?

HEADLINES YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN THE MAINSTREAM PRESS

TREE BARKS AND THEN BITES DOG

POLITICIAN TELLS THE TRUTH

WE ARE STARDUST BUT NOT GOLDEN

POLICE CHARGE BATTERY WITH SALT

SERIAL KILLER LIKES CORNFLAKES

BASEBALL BATS GO ON STRIKE

 

CAR KILLED IN CRASH 

LACK OF INTEREST STOPS WAR

HEROIN  DIES AFTER OVERDOSING ON HUMAN

BLOG ENDS SUDDEN--

MEANINGS

Mother Tongue to us means one thing.  What does it mean to Oedipus Rex?

A good beginning makes a good ending.  Is this true for war and marriage?

 A house is not a home.  Does this apply to turtles, too?

 Variety is the spice of life.  Try finding this spice to put on your food.

What goes up must come down.  Not when it comes to aging.

A selfie works for us.  How does it work for someone with multiple personalities?  

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.  Was this written by a surgeon?

What about Earth Day?

 

I WISH . . .

I wish my bowels would leave a forwarding address whenever they move.

I wish I could live without eating.
 (Then I wouldn't have to worry about transient bowels.)

I wish my feet smelled like roses.

I wish semen tasted like chocolate, and caused women to lose weight.

I wish that politicians told the truth.

I wish that wars, murders, rapes, violence, and robberies always happen so that newspapers, radio and television stations will never go out of business.

I wish that God would tell us where He came from, and what church He attends.

I wish I knew what the last number was.

I wish I knew almost everything there is to know. 
(I don't want to know everything.  Knowing everything would not give me a reason to get out of bed.)

I wish that the buttons on new expensive shirts would not fall off.

I wish my wishes came true.

And as I have wished many times before, I wish that I did not have to make wishes.