THE ALIENS LIED . . .

The aliens lied to me.  They said that the anal probe would not interfere with my memory.  Some days I forget where I am going, and how to put on my underwear.

This morning I went into the bathroom and locked the door.  I forgot why I was there.  My bladder soon reminded me.

The other day I was talking to a friend.  Don't ask me what we were talking about.  Suddenly I shouted, "There are 366 days in a Jump Year!"  What does this have to do with bananas?

I hope my memory recovers soon.  I want to buy some gas for the car, I don't own, so I can drive to China and visit all the tea.  (Maybe I might buy some underwear.) 

WHAT IF . . .

What if all the tea in China was not in China?  Where would it be?

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What if all the toilets formed a union and refused to take any crap from us?

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What if The Mad Woman of Chaillot was not mad and only mildly irritated?

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What if all art galleries changed into fart galleries and artists became fartists?  (I know, this one stinks.)

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What if social climbers forgot their knee pads?  How far would they climb?

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What if no one listened to anyone else?

What?

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What if gold got old and could not be sold?  

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What if dancing replaced fighting in war? (And no weapons allowed.)

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What if I stopped blogging because I had gas and needed to go to a fart gallery?

A CONVERSATION WITH THE LETTER T

Does the letter T drink tea?

"Would you like a cup of tea?" asks the host.

"A cup of me?" says T.

"No not a cup of thee, a cup of tea."

"Ohhhhh tea.  No thank you.  Tea makes me P, and P gets pissed off thinking that I am raining on its parade."

"Have you always been a T?"

"No, I started out as a cross," replies T, "and changed into a T when I became an atheist.  Now if you will excuse me, my alphabet needs me."

WHAT IS THE SOUND OF ONE ARMPIT STINKING?

Zen Koans You Will Not Find In Any Book

A student came to see a Zen Master to ask about Zen.  The Zen Master served tea.  He poured the student's cup full, and then kept pouring.  The student watched the cup overflow and finally said, "It's overfull!  No more will go in!"  The Zen Master looked up and said, "Uh?" and then kept pouring.


A Zen Master wrote sixty postal cards on the last day of his life.  He asked an attendant to mail them, and then died.  The cards read:
I am departing from this world.    This is my last announcement.   I put no stamps on these cards.  You'll have to pay the postage.  Nanananana!


A student visited a Zen Master.  The Zen Master asked, "What do you seek?"
"Enlightenment," replied the student.
"Everything is inside you," said the Zen Master. "Why do you search outside?"
"Well," said the student. "I also seek a large vanilla milkshake from McDonald's."
After hearing this, the Zen Master was McEnlightened.


For years a student of Zen had a koan.  He had meditated on it and thought about it and meditated on it some more, and could not understand it.  Finally he went to a Zen Master and asked for help.  The Zen Master gave the student some ice cream for his koan, and the student understood.


Is there a splash if a frog jumps in a pond where there is no water?


A student asked a Zen Master, "What is Buddha Nature?"  The Zen Master said nothing, but he leaned over and farted.  The student was enlightened -- after leaving the room, of course.

In the bardo, a student of Zen was asked how he had left his body.  "I'm not sure," he replied.  "I think I drowned.  The last thing I remember was a Zen Master pouring me a cup of tea."


A monk asked Master Be Oh, "What is the living meaning of Zen Buddhism?"
Master Be Oh replied,  "The sound of one armpit stinking."
The monk was not enlightened, and he never again went near Master Be Oh to ask another question.