Benefits Of Having A Bad Memory

Having a bad memory has benefits:

- You're always meeting new people.

- You can tell the same stories and hear them for the first time.

- You will never have to complete a To-Do List.  Even if you write one, you will forget where you put it.

- Your world is timeless.  

- You always live in a new place.

- You always wear new clothes.

- Every week you have a new adventure finding your way home after putting out the garbage.

- You're rich because you forget how much money you don't have.

- You're always learning something new.

- You will never be unemployed.  The government will always have a job for you.

- There are another 147 benefits to having a bad memory, but I don't remember them.

A Bad Memory

I must remember that I have a bad memory.  I'm okay as long as I remember that my memory is bad. I'm in trouble if I forget that I have a bad memory.

The other day I wandered the streets.  A police officer stopped me.
"Where are you going?" asked the officer.
"I don't know," I said.
"You don't know?"
"That's right officer, but it's okay because I know my memory is bad.  Eventually, I'll remember where I am going."

Eventually I did remember where I was going, and I got there.  But now I forget where it was.

HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY AND CONCENTRATION

In a saucepan, heat oil over medium heat.  Add leeks and salt.  Cook until you are flying in an airplane.

When you meet people for the first time, kill them.  That way you will never forget their names.  (If you do forget, then the police will remind you.)



Trust your subconscious and give it some money now and again.



To remember where you put your glasses, don't wear them.

Add garlic.  Heat for 1 minute.  Add broth, tomatoes, red peppers, thyme and a flashlight.  Bring to a boil, and reduce heat for your trip to the beach. 

Dog   Car   Mountain   Carpet

A dog drove his mountain to a huge car, climbed the car, and peed on the carpet.

Spelling in English can be a challenge.  The best way to remember how to spell is to carry a dictionary.

Exercise helps improve memory and concentration.  To get all the exercise you need, climb one mountain per day.

When done, pour soup in serving bowls and top each bowl with sawdust.  Serve with science fiction.

THE ALIENS LIED . . .

The aliens lied to me.  They said that the anal probe would not interfere with my memory.  Some days I forget where I am going, and how to put on my underwear.

This morning I went into the bathroom and locked the door.  I forgot why I was there.  My bladder soon reminded me.

The other day I was talking to a friend.  Don't ask me what we were talking about.  Suddenly I shouted, "There are 366 days in a Jump Year!"  What does this have to do with bananas?

I hope my memory recovers soon.  I want to buy some gas for the car, I don't own, so I can drive to China and visit all the tea.  (Maybe I might buy some underwear.) 

I REMEMBER . . .

Some doctor told me that I have amnesia.  I don't remember his name.  I feel okay.  I think he was mistaken.  My memory is fine.  I can remember things that never happened. 

I remember:

- When an incurable plague raged around the world and killed off nobody;

- When a clown saved Earth from an alien-balloon invasion, and created another universe with a Big Bang;

- When Moses said to God, "Ten?  You only have ten?" 

- When an alien, with a degree in anal probeology, suffered major depression because he could not decide who the biggest asshole was on Earth;

- When I had only a month to live, but lived longer because I did not have a calendar;

- When a zombie ate my brains and then complained, "I'm still hungry!  There wasn't enough."

- When I had to choose between love or money and chose bananas; and

Finally I remember when I ran out of ideas.

WAYS TO IMPROVE . . .

Improve your computer skills . . .  Get a brain transplant making sure the brain comes from a geek.

Improve your memory . . . Start hanging out with elephants.  Studies prove that people who hang out with elephants never forget.

Improve your writing . . . Plagiarize.

Improve your self-confidence . . . Carry a big stick.

Improve your health . . . Stay away from doctors.

Improve the opinion others have of your abilities . . . Lie.

But wait . . . There's more!  (But not today.  Perhaps another time.)

WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?

January 6, 2015 already?  Last year this time it was January 6, 2014.  Two years ago it was January 6, 2013.  I think I see a pattern.

How come time goes so fast?  It seems as if it was only yesterday that I was in Grade 3 and being yelled at for picking my nose.  And wasn't it only this morning that I was 35 years old and graduating from high school?  Where does the time go?

Here are some of the reasons time goes so fast:

- Time has the runs;

- Time rushes to try to catch Now becoming Then;

- Time wants to get to McDonald's before the breakfast menu ends;

- Time is trying to shake off its past;

- Time is trying to go back in time to change its past;

- Time is about to give birth;

- Time is late for its appointment with its therapist;

   (Time constantly sees a therapist to deal with the emotional trauma caused by people beating the clock.)

- Time is addicted to methamphetamine;

- Time slept in and is late for Eternity.

These are only a some of the reasons time goes so fast.  Are these reasons true?  Time will tell.