THE ALIENS LIED . . .

The aliens lied to me.  They said that the anal probe would not interfere with my memory.  Some days I forget where I am going, and how to put on my underwear.

This morning I went into the bathroom and locked the door.  I forgot why I was there.  My bladder soon reminded me.

The other day I was talking to a friend.  Don't ask me what we were talking about.  Suddenly I shouted, "There are 366 days in a Jump Year!"  What does this have to do with bananas?

I hope my memory recovers soon.  I want to buy some gas for the car, I don't own, so I can drive to China and visit all the tea.  (Maybe I might buy some underwear.) 

THOUGHTS AT A LAUNDROMAT . . .

Am I the only one who uses two plastic bags?  Why do people put clean laundry in the same bag they used for the dirty clothes?

I hope the stains come out of my underwear.  How many people have stains in their underwear that did not come out after one wash?  What kind of looks would I get if I asked?  Imagine if having stained underwear was against the law, and police did spot checks. 

"Honest, officer, I've washed my underwear three times and the stains won't come out . . .  Oh shit!  Are you gonna give me a ticket?  Can't you give me a break?"

 

There must be portals in washers and dryers that leads to the One-Sock Dimension.  Who created the One-Sock Dimension?  God's left foot?  How many mismatched socks live there?  Is the One-Sock Dimension a democracy, or is it ruled by one big-foot dictator?  Do socks ever leave the One-Sock Dimension and go somewhere else?

  

Ahhhhhhhh . . .  I love the smell of clothes from the dryer!  I wish they'd invent a spray that smelled like that.  I'd spray my blogs so they wouldn't stink.

HODGEPODGE

Buffalo Trace?  Buffalo Trace?  Buffalo Trace of what?  You know what comes  to my mind . . . 

Is this how being shit-faced got started?

UNREASONALBLE RULES OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN

Never eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner at the same time.  Eat these meals separately over periods of time throughout the day.


No matter how big your mouth is, always use one fork or spoon when eating.


Eat junk food now and again for fun.


Never wear your underwear for more than seven years without changing it.


Always make sure that your pants are down before using toilet paper.


Always read with your eyes open.


Never meditate while sitting on train tracks.


Do not breathe underwater unless drowning is your goal.


Make sure you get a minimum of a million hours of sleep each night after you die.

  

ADVICE

 As a leading expert on nothing in particular, I can give advice on anything:

        Always store your breast milk at tit temperature.

        Never meditate while holding a loaded gun. 

        Don't judge a judge -- especially when you are in his or her court.

        Change your underwear once a year.

        Believe everything you read and hear.

        It's okay to fear fear.

        Have fun finding rhymes with dear.

        Love yourself, but watch out for sexually transmitted diseases.

      

       Have fun pretending that you are pretending that you are pretending to have fun.   

       Always tell the truth -- except when you have to lie.

       Never attend a dinner party for cannibals.

NOT-SO-FAMOUS QUOTES

 

 

HOW COME . . .

How come doctors and heroes take the credit when a life is saved, but say it was "God's Will" when there is death?

How come we would never steal a movie from a DVD store, but think nothing about downloading movies from the Internet?

How come we take makeup seriously?  We know it isn't real. 

How come we are shocked when a politician is caught lying?

How come we are shocked when a politician is caught in a sex scandal?

How come we always say, "Fine" when someone asks us how we are no matter how we really are or what is going on in our lives?

How come taxes aren't considered extortion?

How come the term "terrible tragedy" is used?  Are there tragedies that aren't terrible?

How come it's okay to wear a bathing suit on the beach, but not okay to wear your underwear on the beach?

How come it's so easy to get into trouble, yet not so easy to get out of trouble?

How come you are okay when you to talk to God, but not okay when God talks back?

How come I did not end this sooner?

WHITE HISTORY MONTH - QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q:  There is a Black History Month.  What about White History Month?

A:  White History Month is today, January 31.  The Silly Committee on Race Relations has designated January 31 as White History Month.

Q:  How can White History Month take place in one day?

A:  Given the advantages that white people have over black people, and other visible minorities, The Silly Committee on Race Relations declared that one day of White History is equal to one month of  Black History.  Thus, January 31 is White History Month.  After all, fair is fair.

Q:  What do we celebrate during White History Month?

A:  We celebrate the color white -- especially in underwear.  How important it is to keep our underwear white.  We celebrate white clouds, paper and cotton.  We celebrate the white liberal guilt that created such policies as Equal Opportunity and Affirmative Action.  In addition, we pay homage to all the white people who gave up their jobs so that less-qualified minorities could have work.  Last, and least, we celebrate equality for all.

HAPPY WHITE HISTORY MONTH!