HALLOWEEN? THAT'S NOT FUNNY

 

"What do they give out at brothels for Halloween?"

"What?"

"Tricks only because the trick is the treat."

"Why did the pumpkin cross the road?"

"Why?"

"It didn't.  Pumpkins don't have legs."

A pumpkin walked into a bar and the bartender said, "How did you get in here?  Pumpkins don't  have legs,"

But the pumpkin couldn't answer because pumpkins can't talk.  And the pumpkin couldn't order a drink because pumpkins can't talk.  So the pumpkin sat there for a bit, and then got up and walked out.  And the bartender made a mental note not to do drugs anymore.

 

I want to dress up as an honest politician, but I can't find a costume.

For Halloween, will Hillary Clinton dress up as a woman?

For Halloween, will Donald Trump dress up as a gentleman? 

Would I have to wear a costume if I dressed up as a jerk?

Is it true that Halloween was started by The International Association of Dentists?

THOUGHTS AFTER THE APOCALYPSE . . .

The world ended on October 7.  Perhaps that explains my inability to concentrate and have a hodgepodge of thoughts.  But perhaps the ending of the world has nothing to do with my lack of concentration.  Perhaps my mind wanders because I have a little black dog and it doesn't bite.

A balding man once said, "I wish my hair would gain weight."

Did you know that you can effectively clear your sinuses by cutting off your head? 

Does history repeat itself?  Does history repeat itself?



There's no such thing as a constipated politician.  They talk so much you-know-what that it can't get stuck inside them.

Did I mention that I have a little black dog and it doesn't bite?

I HEARD A BANANA SNEEZE

I heard a banana sneeze.  It was a slippery sneeze, and appealed to me to ask the following:

Do rocks ever get petrified?

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Where do viruses go when they get sick?

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If dust ruled the world, then would vacuum cleaners be in concentration camps?

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If you were taught the Medicine of the Future, then how could you know anything until the future happens?

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What is so bad about death?  Death reduces anxiety, stress, and depression -- at least for the deceased.

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Is growing grapes a fruitful business?

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Is it a coincidence that politician and parasite both begin with a p?

I better stop now.  The banana that sneezed is complaining about my humor.

WALKING INTO BARS

A bartender walks into a bar.  The owner of the bar, who is also the bartender, says, "What's wrong,  don't you have your own joke?"


A Who's-there? walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"
The Who's-there? says, "I'll have a knock knock please."
The bartender says, "A knock knock?"
The Who's-there? says, "Who's there?"
The bartender says, "What's a knock knock?"
The Who's-there? says, "What's-a-knock-knock who?"
"No," says the bartender, "I'm asking what a knock knock is.  I've never heard of that drink."
"Forget it," says the Who's-there?.  "I'm leaving.  You just ruined the joke!"


A naked man walks in to a bar and the bartender says, "Hey buddy, didn't you forget something?"
The naked man looks down at himself and then rushes out saying, "You're right,  I forgot my wallet!"


 A politician walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"
The politician smiles and says, "What do most of your customers drink?"
The bartender says, "Beer."
"Then I'll have a beer, please," says the politician.
"What brand of beer?" asks the bartender.
"Uh-er-uh-can I get back to you on that?" asks the politician.  "I want to set up a task force to study the matter further, and then make recommendations."


 A turd walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve shit in here."
"That's not what I heard," says the turd.  "I'll have a pina colada, please."
The bartender thinks for a moment, and then makes a flushing noise.  The turd runs out terrified.


"I said,  What's wrong,  don't you have your own joke?"
"I do," says the bartender, "but I just came in here to get a break.  I've had a rough shift.  I had to deal with a Who's-there? who yelled at me for ruining its joke, a naked man without his wallet, a politician who couldn't order a beer without consulting a task force, and a turd who wanted a pina colada."
"Wow," says the owner-bartender, "that's rough!  At least I don't have to worry about anything like that happening to me."
"Why not?" asks the bartender.
"Because," says the owner-bartender, "I was created just for this blog; so my existence ends when this blog ends."
"Really?" asks the bartender.  "Do you believe in life after blog?"

THINGS I NEVER WANT TO CATCH

I never want to catch an elephant going through menopause.  And I never want to catch menopause either.  I like my body temperature just the way it is, and the weather creates enough havoc with my moods, thank you very much.

I never want to catch a politician being honest, or not wasting taxpayers' money.  What would I have to complain about if this ever happened?

I never want to catch Dutch Elm disease.  I avoid having sex with trees for that reason.

I never want to catch the disease that makes you write silly blogs that are never long enough. 

HEADLINES YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN THE MAINSTREAM PRESS

TREE BARKS AND THEN BITES DOG

POLITICIAN TELLS THE TRUTH

WE ARE STARDUST BUT NOT GOLDEN

POLICE CHARGE BATTERY WITH SALT

SERIAL KILLER LIKES CORNFLAKES

BASEBALL BATS GO ON STRIKE

 

CAR KILLED IN CRASH 

LACK OF INTEREST STOPS WAR

HEROIN  DIES AFTER OVERDOSING ON HUMAN

BLOG ENDS SUDDEN--

HOW COME . . .

How come doctors and heroes take the credit when a life is saved, but say it was "God's Will" when there is death?

How come we would never steal a movie from a DVD store, but think nothing about downloading movies from the Internet?

How come we take makeup seriously?  We know it isn't real. 

How come we are shocked when a politician is caught lying?

How come we are shocked when a politician is caught in a sex scandal?

How come we always say, "Fine" when someone asks us how we are no matter how we really are or what is going on in our lives?

How come taxes aren't considered extortion?

How come the term "terrible tragedy" is used?  Are there tragedies that aren't terrible?

How come it's okay to wear a bathing suit on the beach, but not okay to wear your underwear on the beach?

How come it's so easy to get into trouble, yet not so easy to get out of trouble?

How come you are okay when you to talk to God, but not okay when God talks back?

How come I did not end this sooner?

WHO SAID WHAT?

"Do you pollinate?" asked the flower.


"I always speak the truth -- except when I lie," said the politician.


"I'll be home for Christmas," said Santa.  "But I may be late."


"I am nothing without you,"  said the lamp to the plug.


"I easily gain weight when I eat couch potatoes," said the cannibal.


"I love getting stuff dirt cheap," said the earthworm.


"You're black!" said the pot to the kettle.


"I am an early version of you," said Failure to Success.


"Am I nuts?"  asked the cashew.
"I don't think so," said the peanut.


"Stop scraping my bottom!" said the barrel.


"Is this The End?" asked The Beginning.
"I hope so," said My Blog.  "The barrel wants us to stop."