Not All About Halloween

"Why did the pumpkin cross the road?"
"Why?"
"To get away from Halloween."

"Why did Halloween cross the road?"
"I dunno."
"It was following the pumpkin."
"But why was Halloween following the pumpkin?"
"Look, don't make a stupid joke complicated!  Okay?"
"Okay."

A pumpkin walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"
And the pumpkin said, "Do you serve pumpkin pie?"
"Yes, we do," said the bartender.
"Murderer!" screamed the pumpkin and stormed out.

"How many pumpkins does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How many?"
"One billion."
"A billion?  Why so many?"
"Because pumpkins don't have hands."

HALLOWEEN? THAT'S NOT FUNNY

 

"What do they give out at brothels for Halloween?"

"What?"

"Tricks only because the trick is the treat."

"Why did the pumpkin cross the road?"

"Why?"

"It didn't.  Pumpkins don't have legs."

A pumpkin walked into a bar and the bartender said, "How did you get in here?  Pumpkins don't  have legs,"

But the pumpkin couldn't answer because pumpkins can't talk.  And the pumpkin couldn't order a drink because pumpkins can't talk.  So the pumpkin sat there for a bit, and then got up and walked out.  And the bartender made a mental note not to do drugs anymore.

 

I want to dress up as an honest politician, but I can't find a costume.

For Halloween, will Hillary Clinton dress up as a woman?

For Halloween, will Donald Trump dress up as a gentleman? 

Would I have to wear a costume if I dressed up as a jerk?

Is it true that Halloween was started by The International Association of Dentists?

HALLOWEEN*

*This blog would have been posted on October 31, but the dog ate my calendar.


"Why did the pumpkin cross the road?"
"I don't know.  Why did the pumpkin cross the road?"
"It didn't cross the road.  It had no legs.  It just sat at the side of the road and waited for the next joke.


A pumpkin walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, where did you get the legs?"
The pumpkin says, "They came with this joke."
"Wonderful," says the bartender.  "What will--"
(Sorry, the dog ate the rest of this joke.) 

"How many pumpkins does it take to change a light bulb?"

"I don't know.  How many pumpkins does it take to change a light bulb? 

"Just one, but it has to have legs and arms."

 "Knock. Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Trick or treat!"

"Trick or treat who?"

"This isn't a joke.  We want a trick or a treat!"

"Sorry, but the dog ate the tricks and treats."

A big brown hairy monster walks into a bar, and the bartender flees.  And on the subject of fleas, the dog comes out from under the bar and eats the big brown hairy monster.


A witch walks into a bar and the dog says, "What will it be?"
The witch says, "Double, double toil and trouble."
The dog says, "Never mind trying to make this a Shakespearean tragedy.  Order something."
"Since when do dogs talk?" asks the witch.
The dog says, "My voice came with this joke.  Now what will it be?"
But before the witch could answer, the bartender and pumpkin return to the bar. 
"Is the big brown hairy monster gone?" asks the bartender.
"Yup," says the dog, "I ate him.  He tasted better than the calendar, bar joke, and tricks and treats."
"Now what will we do?" asks the pumpkin.
"Let's form a rock band!" says the witch.
So the bartender, witch, dog and pumpkin form a rock band called Halloween.  They tour the world giving sold-out concerts.  And whenever they get a bad review, the dog eats the critic.

 

POSTED SOMEWHERE ELSE BEFORE . . .

 

 

ONLY THREE PICTURES

HOW I MET ELBOWEATER ON HALLOWEEN

Never mind what you've heard about Halloween beginning as the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain.    Halloween was started by a bunch of out-of-work dentists.

I made the mistake of trick-or-treating at a cannibal's house.  He said his name was Elboweater.  He offered me some Ladyfingers and invited me in.  Elboweater's guests had just finished playing  Pin The Kale On The Honkey.   Elboweater's wife, Deltoidsucker, offered me a Toasted Danish, French Fries, and some Chinese food.  The Chinese food looked the same, but the Toasted Danish and French Fries looked like -- well  -- uh --    Let's just say I lost my appetite. 

I did not like the way Elboweater, Deltoidsucker and their guests were looking at me.   I felt like a piece of candy in the middle of a table surrounded by children.  I overheard some of the guests talking about getting  me to go into the hot tub alone.   I decided to leave just as they were about to play  Bobbing for A Paul.

I threw the Ladyfingers and my other treats away.   I won't need to see a dentist for a while.