MEN'S EXCUSES FOR NOT BUYING FLOWERS ON VALENTINE'S DAY

"Honey, you know how I feel about the environment.  Well, picking flowers is like cutting down trees."

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"But I got you flowers last year and they died."

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 "I bought you a bouquet of roses, honest, and the dog ate them."

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 "I was going to get you flowers, but then I thought I better not in case you have hay fever."

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"But I bought you flowers!  You should feel special because you're the only woman in the world to get invisible flowers." 

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"I was going to get you flowers, but I used the money to buy a case of beer . . . C'mon Honey, when was the last time we did something romantic like drinking a case of beer together?"

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 "I was going to get you flowers, but I wasn't sure which flowers matched your broom, cauldron and the wart on your nose."

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"It's what?  Valentine's Day?  Oh yeah, it's always a week or so after the Super Bowl."

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And finally there's the not-so-bright husband who told his wife,"I didn't forget to to buy you flowers.  I didn't have enough money after buying flowers for my girlfriend."

HALLOWEEN*

*This blog would have been posted on October 31, but the dog ate my calendar.


"Why did the pumpkin cross the road?"
"I don't know.  Why did the pumpkin cross the road?"
"It didn't cross the road.  It had no legs.  It just sat at the side of the road and waited for the next joke.


A pumpkin walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, where did you get the legs?"
The pumpkin says, "They came with this joke."
"Wonderful," says the bartender.  "What will--"
(Sorry, the dog ate the rest of this joke.) 

"How many pumpkins does it take to change a light bulb?"

"I don't know.  How many pumpkins does it take to change a light bulb? 

"Just one, but it has to have legs and arms."

 "Knock. Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Trick or treat!"

"Trick or treat who?"

"This isn't a joke.  We want a trick or a treat!"

"Sorry, but the dog ate the tricks and treats."

A big brown hairy monster walks into a bar, and the bartender flees.  And on the subject of fleas, the dog comes out from under the bar and eats the big brown hairy monster.


A witch walks into a bar and the dog says, "What will it be?"
The witch says, "Double, double toil and trouble."
The dog says, "Never mind trying to make this a Shakespearean tragedy.  Order something."
"Since when do dogs talk?" asks the witch.
The dog says, "My voice came with this joke.  Now what will it be?"
But before the witch could answer, the bartender and pumpkin return to the bar. 
"Is the big brown hairy monster gone?" asks the bartender.
"Yup," says the dog, "I ate him.  He tasted better than the calendar, bar joke, and tricks and treats."
"Now what will we do?" asks the pumpkin.
"Let's form a rock band!" says the witch.
So the bartender, witch, dog and pumpkin form a rock band called Halloween.  They tour the world giving sold-out concerts.  And whenever they get a bad review, the dog eats the critic.

 

MOVIES YOU WILL NEVER SEE . . .

INVASION OF THE GOAT-CHEESE FARTS

An evil race of goat-cheese farts, from a planet in the Aries Constellation, attack Earth.  General Air Freshener leads an army of armed fragrances to stop the goat-cheese farts from global domination.

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AW NUTS!

A squirrel falls in love with his psychiatrist while the psychiatrist is treating the squirrel for Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD).

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 "What's this smoking thing doing in a blog about movies not seen?"

"I don't know.  It just turned up.  Perhaps it will go away if we ignore it."

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Two lunchboxes fall in love under a full noon.

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 THE SPELL

A witch wreaks havoc when she casts spells at a Spelling Bee.

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A funny bone technician stops blogging for today.  He goes to the grocery store for material for future blogs.  

"How exciting.  I'm glad I'll never see that movie."

"Me too."