ON EXCUSES

"Where's your dog?"
A homework monster ate it."



"Sorry, but I can't have you over for dinner.  I'm using my knives for something else, and can't prepare food properly," said Jack The Ripper.



"Sorry I can't come to your picnic.  During the day is not a good time for me," said Dracula. 



"I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do" really means,
"I'm sorry, but there's nothing I will do. You're not rich and powerful and cannot affect my career."



"I can't write today.  My pen is in the drawer, and the paper is way over there on the shelf."



"Hi boss?  It's me.  I can't come to work today.  I have Alzheimer's disease.  And I'll have 4 Cokes as well.  How long before the pizza arrives?"



"I would love to be your leader, but I didn't get enough votes,"  said Hillary.



"I want to be honest, but I don't want to ruin it for my coworkers," said the politician.



"I would love to come up with more excuses, but I have to deliver some cokes and a pizza."

ON SNOW

Snow walked into a bar.  The bartender wiped it up because it melted.



"Why did the snow cross the road?"
"I don't know.  Why?"
"It didn't cross the road.  It was tossed on the other side by someone shoveling."

Salvador Dali: How many snowmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Straight Person For This Joke: I don't know.  How many?

Salvador Dali:  Melting clocks! 



Does Santa have a red nose from the cold, or from snorting snow?

KU KLUX KLAN UPSET OVER SNOWFLAKE DATING CORNFLAKE

Donald Trump: How many snowmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Hillary Clinton: I don't know, Donald.  How many?

Donald Trump: Just one, but it has to be an American snowman made from American snow.

HEADLINE HALLUCINATIONS

DONALD TRUMP AND HILLARY CLINTON SECRET LOVERS

TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS WIN STANLEY CUP

SOLDIERS AROUND THE WORLD STOP FIGHTING TO PLAY POKEMON

PICASSO'S LOST DIARY ADMITS

 THAT HE CANNOT DRAW

GOVERNMENT CANCELS INCOME TAX

NATION'S POLITICIANS AGREE

 TO WORK FOR NO MONEY

 MICHAEL JACKSON FOUND 

ALIVE ON THE MOON

EARTH ADMITS BEING MENOPAUSAL

GLOBAL WARMING ONLY HOT FLASHES

GOVERNMENT TO RETURN MISSPENT 

MONEY TO TAXPAYERS

CANCER CAUSES SMOKING ACCORDING

TO NEW STUDY

FUNNY BONE TECHNICIAN ENDS

 BLOG TO GO TO THE BATHROOM

HALLOWEEN? THAT'S NOT FUNNY

 

"What do they give out at brothels for Halloween?"

"What?"

"Tricks only because the trick is the treat."

"Why did the pumpkin cross the road?"

"Why?"

"It didn't.  Pumpkins don't have legs."

A pumpkin walked into a bar and the bartender said, "How did you get in here?  Pumpkins don't  have legs,"

But the pumpkin couldn't answer because pumpkins can't talk.  And the pumpkin couldn't order a drink because pumpkins can't talk.  So the pumpkin sat there for a bit, and then got up and walked out.  And the bartender made a mental note not to do drugs anymore.

 

I want to dress up as an honest politician, but I can't find a costume.

For Halloween, will Hillary Clinton dress up as a woman?

For Halloween, will Donald Trump dress up as a gentleman? 

Would I have to wear a costume if I dressed up as a jerk?

Is it true that Halloween was started by The International Association of Dentists?

THREE UNLIKELY . . .

JUSTICE MINISTER PETER MACKAY QUITS GOVERNMENT TO JOIN ISIS 

Canadian Justice Minister Peter Mackay announced that he is quitting his cabinet post to join ISIS.  MacKay claims he was radicalized under Prime Minister Stephen Harper.  MacKay said that he will fight terrorism by joining ISIS.

BILL AND HILLARY CLINTON MAKE LOVE

For the first time in centuries former president Bill Clinton and presidential candidate Hillary Clinton had sex.  Both said that it was like a new experience.  When asked whether they would make love again Hillary said, "Not for a long time.  I would not want to get pregnant since the job of president does not offer maternity leave."

SON OF GOD RETURNS

 Jesus, the Son of God, returned today much to the surprise of many Christians.  But before they could celebrate Jesus said, "Don't get happy.  I'm not staying.  I only returned to get my wallet with my driver's licence.  I forgot it when I left two thousand years ago, and I don't want to the police to give me a ticket."