ON SNOW

Snow walked into a bar.  The bartender wiped it up because it melted.



"Why did the snow cross the road?"
"I don't know.  Why?"
"It didn't cross the road.  It was tossed on the other side by someone shoveling."

Salvador Dali: How many snowmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Straight Person For This Joke: I don't know.  How many?

Salvador Dali:  Melting clocks! 



Does Santa have a red nose from the cold, or from snorting snow?

KU KLUX KLAN UPSET OVER SNOWFLAKE DATING CORNFLAKE

Donald Trump: How many snowmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Hillary Clinton: I don't know, Donald.  How many?

Donald Trump: Just one, but it has to be an American snowman made from American snow.

FUN WITH NUMBERS AND A DECIMAL POINT

A decimal point and a period walk into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"
The decimal point says, "I'll have a fraction of a beer, please."
"And you?" says the bartender to the period.
"Nothing," says the period.  "I'm at the end of this joke."


Do numbers count on each other?


"I have $100.00 and I spend $100.00.  How much money do I have left?"
"None."
"Wrong.  I still have a credit card."


Zero walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"
And Zero says, "Nothing."
The bartender brings Zero nothing, Zero drinks it and then leaves without paying.  
Another customer sees this and says to the bartender, "You're going to let Zero leave after not paying for a drink of nothing?"
The bartender looks at the customer and says slowly, "Think about what you are asking."


Famous words of Hamlet:  "Two be, or not two be both equal X.  Y is that?"
 


Salvador Dali, the famous mathematician, once asked:

  "If 2 + 2 = 4, then Y is this THE END?"

THINGS THAT THINGS SAY

What did the door ask the floor?
"Are you sure you don't swing?" 


What did Nodoff say to Nap?
"You can't judge a bed by its covers."

What did the chair say to Salvador Dali?
"I am not a pipe."

What did Salvador Dali say to the chair?
"Of course not, you melting clock!"


What did the walnut say to the hammer?
"You crack me up!"

What did the hammer say to the nail?
"I didn't know nuts could talk."


What did the book say to the writer?
"Page me."


What did the The say to the End?
"We have to stop meeting like this or else people will start to talk."

LITTLE KNOW FACTS ABOUT SOME ARTISTS

Leonardo da Vinci loved dressing up as a women.  This is a self-portrait:

Poor Salvador Dali!  He could never figure out where to buy good-quality clocks.

Edvard Munch painted the first person exposed to rap music.

Vincent van Gogh had laser-eye surgery to correct his vision.  Unfortunately the surgeons had not perfected the technique.

Pablo Picasso took a jigsaw puzzle, and painted the what he saw after dumping the pieces from the box to the floor.

And finally, Doctor Griffin, The Invisible Man, loved painting self-portraits.

 

TWENTY THIRD CENTURY SURREALIST POETRY

The Emperor of the Fireflies

 The Emperor of the Fireflies

Locked up the moon in the garden

 And the man in the moon's hay fever

Threw a party that lasted for 647 sneezes

Before the ghost of Salvador Dali helped the moon escape to

Shadow Lake 

Shadow Lake, with bags under its eyes,

Finished its breakfast before leaving

For its job of mirroring the world.

Warrior Clouds and Mighty Mountains

Warrior Clouds broke their white wings

Fighting with Mighty Mountains

Over which station to watch on the sky.      

Barefoot Words

Barefoot Words preached green sunrises

To those who did not attend 

The man in the moon's hay-fever party.

Wild Waves walking along the shore shouted,

"Shut up, Barefoot Words!"  

The ensuing struggle between Barefoot Words and Wild Waves

Disturbed Warrior Clouds and Mighty Mountains

Who had agreed to watch 

On the sky.

    

WHAT IS LOVE?

Love is blind?  How did it go blind?  Improper diet?   Macular degeneration?  Masturbation?

God is Love, but you would never know it looking at organized religion.

  

You know you're in love when you don't mind your lover barfing on you.

 
True love?  How can it be anything else?  If love isn't true, then it isn't love. 

Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have set the time on a melting clock.    
                                                 - Salvador Dali 

SUITCASES? WHAT'S FUNNY ABOUT SUITCASES?

Q: Why did the suitcase cross the road?
A: No one knows why, or where it got its legs.

 

Q: How many suitcases does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One -- with a little help from a human.

Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change 

     suitcase?
A:  Knock knock, to get to the other side.
                   (This joke submitted by Salvador Dali)

Q: What do you call a suitcase with a broken

      handle?
A:  A box.

A suitcase walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The suitcase says, "I'll have an Aviation, please.  It reminds me of where I see my friends."

A suitcase walks into a bar and the bartender says, "An Aviation, right?"

The suitcase says, "No, thank you.  This time I'll have a Screwdriver.  I want to fix my broken handle."

A suitcase walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The suitcase says, "I have just enough room in me for a Blue Blazer, thanks."

A man walks into a bar pulling a wagon with a suitcase on it.  The bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer please."
"And for the suitcase?" asks the bartender.

"Nothing," says the man.  "He's on the wagon."

A suitcase dies and goes to Heaven.  St. Peter meets it at the gate and says, "Finally!  I thought the airline had lost you forever."   

"It's not the humidity. It's the heat!"