WISHES AND THE THINGS THAT MADE THEM

"I wish I could fly."

- A Pant Zipper

"I wish I knew the meaning of life."

- A Dictionary

"I wish I could be sharp always."

- A Pencil

"I wish I could vibrate all the time."

- A Cell Phone

"I wish they wouldn't make me creak so much."

   - A bed

"I wish people would let me chair a meeting."

 - A Chair

"I'm up!  I'm down!  I'm up!  I'm down!  I wish they would leave me in one position."

- A Toilet Seat

"I wish I didn't get used so much."

   - A Wish

THINGS THAT THINGS SAY

What did the door ask the floor?
"Are you sure you don't swing?" 


What did Nodoff say to Nap?
"You can't judge a bed by its covers."

What did the chair say to Salvador Dali?
"I am not a pipe."

What did Salvador Dali say to the chair?
"Of course not, you melting clock!"


What did the walnut say to the hammer?
"You crack me up!"

What did the hammer say to the nail?
"I didn't know nuts could talk."


What did the book say to the writer?
"Page me."


What did the The say to the End?
"We have to stop meeting like this or else people will start to talk."

REASONS TO CELEBRATE

I celebrate today because I was not born in the year 1011!  If I was, then I'd be a thousand years old, and so slow to react to everything.  It would take me several hours to understand a joke, and another several hours to laugh -- if I had the energy to laugh at all.  How wonderful not to be a thousand years old.

I celebrate today because I am in no pain!   Nothing hurts!   No headache.  No cramps.  No sore muscles.  No sore joints.  And my left big toe is smiling.  What a great day!

I celebrate today because I am not a zombie!  I do not have to worry about eating brains.   I do not have to worry about covering up the smell of  my rotting dead flesh.  And I can walk as fast as I want to.

I celebrate today because I did not wet the bed!   How wonderful to awaken to sunlight, and dry sheets.

I celebrate today because my I.Q. is 3!  I thought that my  I.Q. was 1, but a test today shows that it is 3.  I am smarter than I thought.

I celebrate today because I can still remember that I have a bad memory!    Why should I worry about having a bad memory as long as I remember that my memory is bad?

I celebrate today because I am not a dangerous chemical!   I will not irritate your skin if  you touch me.    I may  irritate you with my exuberance.

I celebrate today because I'm not buying a lottery ticket.  They say,  "If you don't have a ticket, you can't win."   I say,  "If I don't have a ticket, I can't lose."

I celebrate today because . . .
just because!