CLUBS, ORGANIZTIONS AND ASSOCIATIONS THAT EXIST SOMEWHERE

The Association of Lottery Losers  (ALL)



Common Sense Club  (CSC)



Bad Smells Incorporated  (BSI)



The Green Cheese Moon Society  (GCMS)



The Wholesale Holistic Poison Store



The Sickness And Death Clinic



The Future Life Regression Place



The Descended Masters' Palace



The Probiotic Robots' Colon Club


The End

HOW TO GET RICH

The following are surefire ways to get rich:


- Win the lottery;


- Have lots of money;


- Invest money in the sock market;
(The sock market is a shoo-in.)


- Sell your brains to zombies;
(Make sure you don't need them.)


- Start a life insurance company and sell life insurance policies to immortals;
(Their premiums will never stop, and you will never have to payout.)


- Ask Warren Buffett for lots of money;


- Pretend you're rich;


 and finally,

 
If you want to be rich, then never spend any money ever again.  Never!  

HODGEPODGE

There must be something wrong with my money.  I buy lottery tickets and never win.



With God so high above, how can he tell whether we are kneeling or standing?



Why are there no wrestler shorts?



If I go looking for nothing, will I find it?



I promise never to keep any more promises.

 

QUOTES FROM PEOPLE YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD OF

Your life will likely stay the same if you don't win big in a lottery.
                                      - Donald Different


Jewellery owes a debt to gold.
                                       - Yel Low


How hard not to dwell in the past when you're a time traveler.
                                        - Karen Chronos


If things were simple, then they would not be complicated.
                                        - Michael Moron


Sometimes, it takes a lot of training to be stupid.
                                         - Wally Witless


For the people who spend hours meditating and contemplating the question, "Who am I?"  I say,
"Look at your fuckin' driver's licence!"
                                           - Victor Vulgar


Some say the world world will end in fire.
Some say in ice.
Who cares which is right after the world ends?
                                            - Roberta Frost


In a Parallel Universe, nothing meets.
                                             - Theo Retical


Watch out for groundhogs when you join the underground militia.
                                              - Ryan Resist


We need more lumberjills in the world!
                                               - Femi Nist


I'm going to end it here.
                                               - Bufford Boundary 

THINGS I LEARNED AND DID WITH NO INTERNET

A big bad black dragon breathed fire at the server and prevented my access to the Internet for the past several days.  Here are some things I learned and did with no Internet:

I learned that babies are caused by men peeing into women.

I took a ruler and measured up.

I found my mind.

I learned that I am not lazy.  I am a lightworker.

I learned that cats cannot cook or clean.

I took a long walk along the beach that does not exist near me.  (That is where I found my mind.)

I learned that snow does not last long on a hot stove.

I drank a lot of H with my Two O.

I cried over spilt milk and found no use in that.

I did not win 27 trillion dollars.

I learned that Brian Williams would make a good politician.

And finally, I abducted some aliens for no reason.  I will release them as soon as I finish this blog.

JESUS, ZEUS AND THE CEILING

Several weeks ago a fifty-million-dollar lottery winner said that she had prayed to Jesus to send her some "miracle money" before she bought her ticket.  With the jackpot being 50 million dollars, she was not the only one praying to Jesus.

How did Jesus decide to answer her prayer out of all the people praying for the 50 million dollars?  Did he check the church-attendance records?  Did he look at The Good Deeds Book?  Did he draw her name from a hat?  Why did he let her win?

What about Jesus' priorities?  Did he ignore the prayers asking for relief from sickness, suffering, hunger and death just to make someone win 50 million dollars?  Is he still working on the other prayers because they are harder to answer?  Yes, he works in mysterious ways.

I thought I would give Jesus a try.  Before I bought a lottery ticket I prayed, "Dear Jesus, Please send me some miracle money.  Thank you."  Nothing.  I tried two more times praying louder and louder.  After all,  Jesus is over two thousand years old and his hearing must be going.  Nothing.  Jesus struck out.

I thought I would give Zeus a try.  He must be feeling neglected ever since Jesus took the spotlight.  Helping me win the lottery would be a wonderful comeback for Zeus.  Zeus struck out, too.  Perhaps he was not interested in making a comeback.  Perhaps he never heard my prayers because he was away on a course upgrading his thunderbolt skills.  Who knows?

To whom can I pray to?  Who will will send me miracle money?  The ceiling?  Very well then, I will pray to the ceiling.  Why not?  I looked up at it when praying to Jesus and Zeus.  May it will come through for me.

"Please, Ceiling, Please send me some miracle money.  Thank you."

Now I wait . . .      

REASONS TO CELEBRATE

I celebrate today because I was not born in the year 1011!  If I was, then I'd be a thousand years old, and so slow to react to everything.  It would take me several hours to understand a joke, and another several hours to laugh -- if I had the energy to laugh at all.  How wonderful not to be a thousand years old.

I celebrate today because I am in no pain!   Nothing hurts!   No headache.  No cramps.  No sore muscles.  No sore joints.  And my left big toe is smiling.  What a great day!

I celebrate today because I am not a zombie!  I do not have to worry about eating brains.   I do not have to worry about covering up the smell of  my rotting dead flesh.  And I can walk as fast as I want to.

I celebrate today because I did not wet the bed!   How wonderful to awaken to sunlight, and dry sheets.

I celebrate today because my I.Q. is 3!  I thought that my  I.Q. was 1, but a test today shows that it is 3.  I am smarter than I thought.

I celebrate today because I can still remember that I have a bad memory!    Why should I worry about having a bad memory as long as I remember that my memory is bad?

I celebrate today because I am not a dangerous chemical!   I will not irritate your skin if  you touch me.    I may  irritate you with my exuberance.

I celebrate today because I'm not buying a lottery ticket.  They say,  "If you don't have a ticket, you can't win."   I say,  "If I don't have a ticket, I can't lose."

I celebrate today because . . .
just because!