Head and Plot Lines

SHAKESPEARE ADMITS HE CAN'T SPELL

After the Battle of Dessert, a soldier gives birth to a pudding and struggles to raise it with no help from any spoons.

The night before the day after, a time traveler goes to the day after the night before, and discovers a calendar.

COUPLE CELEBRATES PASTEURIZED HONEYMOON.

To lose weight, a zombie eats only the brains of skinny people who love long sentences because it gives them a sense of living forever and ever and ever.

STUDY PROVES WEARING A BLINDFOLD GIVES NEW OUTLOOK ON LIFE

A man falls in love with a bathtub, and gives it a ring, while he struggles with society's views on mixed relationships.

GOD QUITS AS HEAD OF UNIVERSE AND ENDS UP IN A BLOG

I AM GRATEFUL II

I am grateful that my tears are not made of hydrochloric acid.



I am grateful that the sun goes down at sundown, and not up.



I am grateful that a cliff hasn't fallen off me.



I am grateful for the Seven Seas, but I don't know why.



I am grateful for having a womb of my own before I was born.



I am grateful that my parents were not goats.  



I am grateful for yesterday.  I am grateful for today.  I haven't decided about tomorrow.



I am grateful that I am not a zombie.  I've never had brains, and do not want to start eating them now.



I am grateful that it is not Thanksgiving.  I'm not ready yet.

WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY: THE MOVIE

MUST SEE MOVIE OF THE YEAR! 

 Watch as over 100,000 words give outstanding performances as themselves.

See what Unabridged looks like.

See Noah Webster, who died in 1843,  make an appearance as a zombie.

You will laugh.  You will cry. 

See the movie to find out why.

If you have any problems understanding the plot, then you can always look it up.

HOPE THESE GAGS DON'T MAKE YOU GAG

A bartender walks into a bar and says, "Anybody seen my joke?  I lost it."

Q:  How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  One if the civil servant is not in a union, and 17 if he or she is.

Q:  How many tax auditors does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  One, but the light bulb has to file a tax return first.

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

(Sorry, but a zombie ate the rest of this joke.)

"You look terrible!" says one zombie to another. 

"I know," says the other zombie.  "I think it was something I ate."

"Hey funny bone technician!" 

That's me.  "Yes?"

"Have you seen my joke?"

"No, I haven't.

"Well, could you write one for me?  I'm lost without a joke."

"Okay."

Q:  Why did not bartender cross the road?

A:  He was following a chicken who didn't pay its bar bill.

"That's the best you can do?"

"Sorry, but beggars can't be a stitch in time -- or something like that."  

HOW TO BE CREATIVE

If you want to be creative then remember, 

So, how do you generate new ideas?  How do you think outside the box?  First you find the box you are thinking inside of.  Once you find it, climb outside of it and start thinking.  Secondly, take risks.  You can buy them at The Risk Store, but taking or stealing risks is much more fun.  Thirdly, fall down the stairs.  Falling down the stairs and banging your head will give you new perspectives with new ideas.

If the above ideas don't work, then take a pencil and a piece of paper and eat them.   Watch the ideas flow out of both ends.

You can always use the following suggestion when stuck on any problem, or facing any situation that requires creative thinking.  Ask yourself, "What would Anonymous do?"  No one knows who Anonymous is or what he or she would do; so you are safe no matter what action you take.

These are just a few suggestions.  For further suggestions, consult the books used as references for this blog.

REFERENCES

Away, Passed. The Zombie's Guide To Creative Deathing.  Slaughter Press, 2011.

Dameron, Julia.   The Artist's No Way: An Earthly Path To Lower Creativity.  Mud & Company, 2007.

Ovate, Inn.  New Ideas And What To Do With Them. Mind's Eyeglasses Press, 2013.  

TAXES ARE THE ROOT OF ALL HUMOR?

We human beings are an odd bunch.  We love to be patriotic!  We're proud of our countries!  We love to wave our country's flag!  How fantastic when our countries win wars, and sporting events!
And then income tax time comes  . . . 
At tax time, we don't want to have anything to do with our country, or give our country its due.  Not only do we not want to give our country its due, but we want to take from our country.  At tax time, we don't want our country to win.



We talk about "doing our taxes."  Isn't it our taxes that do us?


Death and Taxes walk into a bar.  The bartender takes one look at them and says, "I'm outta here!"
Death and Taxes are about to get up and leave when a waiter comes over and says, "No, don't leave.  We've got to finish this joke.  What will it be?"
Death says, "I'll have a Zombie, please."
The waiter turns to Taxes and asks, "And you?"
Taxes says, "I'll have Everything."
"Everything?" asks the waiter.
"Yes, Everything," says Taxes.  "You might as well give it to me now because I am going to get it eventually."  

REASONS TO CELEBRATE

I celebrate today because I was not born in the year 1011!  If I was, then I'd be a thousand years old, and so slow to react to everything.  It would take me several hours to understand a joke, and another several hours to laugh -- if I had the energy to laugh at all.  How wonderful not to be a thousand years old.

I celebrate today because I am in no pain!   Nothing hurts!   No headache.  No cramps.  No sore muscles.  No sore joints.  And my left big toe is smiling.  What a great day!

I celebrate today because I am not a zombie!  I do not have to worry about eating brains.   I do not have to worry about covering up the smell of  my rotting dead flesh.  And I can walk as fast as I want to.

I celebrate today because I did not wet the bed!   How wonderful to awaken to sunlight, and dry sheets.

I celebrate today because my I.Q. is 3!  I thought that my  I.Q. was 1, but a test today shows that it is 3.  I am smarter than I thought.

I celebrate today because I can still remember that I have a bad memory!    Why should I worry about having a bad memory as long as I remember that my memory is bad?

I celebrate today because I am not a dangerous chemical!   I will not irritate your skin if  you touch me.    I may  irritate you with my exuberance.

I celebrate today because I'm not buying a lottery ticket.  They say,  "If you don't have a ticket, you can't win."   I say,  "If I don't have a ticket, I can't lose."

I celebrate today because . . .
just because!