HOPE THESE GAGS DON'T MAKE YOU GAG

A bartender walks into a bar and says, "Anybody seen my joke?  I lost it."

Q:  How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  One if the civil servant is not in a union, and 17 if he or she is.

Q:  How many tax auditors does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  One, but the light bulb has to file a tax return first.

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

(Sorry, but a zombie ate the rest of this joke.)

"You look terrible!" says one zombie to another. 

"I know," says the other zombie.  "I think it was something I ate."

"Hey funny bone technician!" 

That's me.  "Yes?"

"Have you seen my joke?"

"No, I haven't.

"Well, could you write one for me?  I'm lost without a joke."

"Okay."

Q:  Why did not bartender cross the road?

A:  He was following a chicken who didn't pay its bar bill.

"That's the best you can do?"

"Sorry, but beggars can't be a stitch in time -- or something like that."  

MY DREAM ABOUT THIS AND THAT . . .

 

I had a dream that you were reading this . . . 


And you laughed at the following:


This walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"
  
This says, "I'll have that, please."

So the bartender fixes This that.  While This is sipping that, the bartender says, "You're the first This who has come into my bar and ordered that.  How come?"

And This says, "Fear, I guess.  Unlike most words, I am not afraid to leave the dictionary and explore the world."

After a few thats, This stood up on the bar and shouted, "I AM A PRONOUN AND NOT AN AMATEUR NOUN!"

"Excuse me, but you can't do that," said the bartender.   "Please sit back down or I will have to ask you to leave."

"Oh yeah?"  shouted This

"Oh yeah,"  said the bartender.

And This sat back down, finished another that, and then left.  And that's that.    



Question:  Why did This cross the road?

You: I don't know. 

Answer:  To return to the dictionary. 
 (This would have driven back to the dictionary, but knows not to drink and drive.)


"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"This."
"This who?"
"No not the zoo, This that's who."


BREAKING NEWS:  THAT FILES COMPLAINT WITH THE WORDS RIGHTS ASSOCIATION AFTER THAT IS USED IN A DREAM AS A DRINK

     Lawyers for That said that their client's reputation was damaged when That was used in a dream as an alcoholic drink drank by This.  The lawyers said that they are also thinking about filing a lawsuit against Gary Johnston, the dreamer.  A spokesperson for The Words Rights Association said that they will investigate  and . . . 


. . . And then you woke up and continued with your reality -- whatever that is.
 

 

FUN WITH ALIENS

An alien walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"

The alien says, "Nothing for me, but you're about to have an anal probe."

Q:  Why did the alien cross the road?

A:  To abduct a chicken.

An alien walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it--wait a minute.  Didn't I see you at the beginning of this blog?"

The alien says, "Yes."

The bartender says, "I remember that you came in here and that you did not order anything.  I don't remember what happened after that."

 

SUITCASES? WHAT'S FUNNY ABOUT SUITCASES?

Q: Why did the suitcase cross the road?
A: No one knows why, or where it got its legs.

 

Q: How many suitcases does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One -- with a little help from a human.

Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change 

     suitcase?
A:  Knock knock, to get to the other side.
                   (This joke submitted by Salvador Dali)

Q: What do you call a suitcase with a broken

      handle?
A:  A box.

A suitcase walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The suitcase says, "I'll have an Aviation, please.  It reminds me of where I see my friends."

A suitcase walks into a bar and the bartender says, "An Aviation, right?"

The suitcase says, "No, thank you.  This time I'll have a Screwdriver.  I want to fix my broken handle."

A suitcase walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The suitcase says, "I have just enough room in me for a Blue Blazer, thanks."

A man walks into a bar pulling a wagon with a suitcase on it.  The bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer please."
"And for the suitcase?" asks the bartender.

"Nothing," says the man.  "He's on the wagon."

A suitcase dies and goes to Heaven.  St. Peter meets it at the gate and says, "Finally!  I thought the airline had lost you forever."   

AN APOCALYPSE, ANYONE?

An apocalypse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"
The apocalypse says, "Give me a zombie, please."

***

An apocalypse walks into a bar and stares sadly off into space.  The bartender asks, "Why are you sad?"
The apocalypse says, "My religion doesn't understand me."

***

Q:  Why did the apocalypse cross the road?
A:  It was following a chicken.

***

Q:  Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:  To get to another religion.

***

Q:  How many apocalypses does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  One.  One apocalypse will change everything.

***

"Knock. Knock."

"Who's there?"
"Apocalypse."
Apocalypse who?"
"Apocalypse Now."

***

Q:  What do you get when you cross an apocalypse with peanut butter?

A:  A big sticky mess!

***

Q:  What do you get when you cross an apocalypse with rotten eggs?
A:  A big stinky mess!

***

Q:  What do you get when you cross an apocalypse with peanut butter and rotten eggs?

A:  The inside of a baby's diaper.

***

Q:  What's the difference between an apocalypse and food?
A:  You don't know?  You must have some interesting meals.

***

Q:  What did the apocalypse say to doomsday?

A:   Apocalypse said, "Is this it?"

***

An apocalypse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "The End Is Here!"

A CHICKEN AND A BAR

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To go into a bar.

A chicken walks into a bar, after crossing the road, and the bartender says, "What?  The cross-the-road jokes aren't enough for you?  You have to be in this one?"

A chicken walks into a bar and orders a drink.  The bartender gets the drink for the chicken when an egg sitting at the bar shouts, "Hey!  How come you're serving the chicken?  I was here first!"

A chicken walks into a bar and says, "Give me a vodka and orange juice."
The bartender says, "Don't be silly.  Chickens don't drink."
And the chicken says, "And we don't talk either."

A chicken walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve chickens here."
And the chicken says, "That's okay.  I don't eat chickens.  I'll have a worm burger and a beer thank you."

A chicken walks into a bar and shows the bartender a picture of Colonel Sanders.  The chicken says, "Have you seen this man?"
The bartender says, "No.  Why?"
The chicken says, "He's wanted for mass murder."

A chicken walks into a bar and orders a drink.  The bartender brings it to him and says, "There is something I've been meaning to ask you."
The chicken says, "Okay.  What?"
The bartender says, "Tell me.  Why did you cross the road?"
The chicken pauses, and then takes a drink.  He looks at the bartender and says, "Because it's there."

A bartender walks into a barnyard.  A chicken runs up to him and says, "Hey!  You're the guy from all the jokes I've been in!" 
The bartender says, "Yup, that's me."
And the chicken says, "What are you doing here?"
And the bartender says, "I needed a change of scenery."

Why did the chicken leave the bar?
To cross the road.