Showing posts with label road. Show all posts
Showing posts with label road. Show all posts

Sunday, March 20, 2016

TIPS ON STAYING SAFE






Avoid violent people especially people who are violent.


Never make soup with gasoline or any other flammable liquid.  (How come flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?)


Keep away from war zones.


Never jump off a cliff unless it is 2 feet (61 cm) high or less. 


Don't breathe underwater near a nuclear power plant.


When eating, always eat the food and not the spoons, forks, knives and dishes.


Never make friends with a suicide bomber.  


Never invite lions and tigers and bears to parties.


Don't lift anything that weighs more than 2 tons.


Never sleep on the road.


Never eat more than one dictionary per meal.


Beware of sudden endings.
 

Friday, June 12, 2015

SOME UNCONNECTED STUFF



I saw a man striking the road with a big stick.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"My name is Jack," he said.
I said, "And don't you come back no more no more no more no more."




THREE WAYS TO STOP STRESS: 

1 - Stay calm

2 - Stay calm

3 - Don't repeat things



Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper meets with
Pope Francis . . .


Saturday, April 4, 2015

THESE THINGS TALK?




"It's not fair!  The Friday before Easter gets called Good Friday, the Sunday is Easter Sunday, and the Monday after Easter is Easter Monday.  Nothing special about me, the Saturday before Easter.  Don't I deserve some special title other than Saturday?

 "Some have tried calling me Easter Eve, Holy Saturday, and Great Saturday, but these names never stuck.  I do not want to be called Good Saturday because that name belongs to Friday.  Easter Saturday is the Saturday following Easter and not me.

"Sacred Saturday has a nice sound to it.  How about it, people?  How about calling the Saturday before Easter Sacred Saturday?"

***

"I am Advertising.  I come at you in all forms.  My goal is to convince you to part with your money because doing so will make you happy.  I can't believe how some of you buy the stuff I say about things.  Do you really think things can make you happy?"

***
"I am Pizza.  Often I get cheesed off at you people for no reason in particular.  Just thought I'd tell you that."


***

 "As Tire, I often get tired.  But things go around and my fatigue rolls away."

***

"I am Hearing Aid . . .   What?  Speak up!  I can't hear you."

***

"How frustrating!  I want to  come out, but I don't know how.  I am Closet.  How does a closet come out?"

***

"I am Road.  I'm glad people cross me because it protects me from vampires."

***

I am Stone.  There is nothing more to say today, this Sacred Saturday.

 

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

A SHORT BLOG ON BRIAN WILLIAMS



Brian Williams walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"
"I'll have a rum and coke," says Brian Williams
And the bartender says, "I don't believe you!"



Q:  Why did Brian Williams cross the road?
A:  To lie on the other side.



"Knock Knock."
"Who's there?"
"Brian."
"Brian who?"
"Never mind.  You won't believe me."



Q:  How many Brian Williamses does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but confirm that the bulb is burnt out before you let him change it.



"You don't believe me?" Brian Williams asks the bartender.
"No," says the bartender, "I don't."
"I'm sorry," says Brian Williams.  "I misremembered  what I wanted.  It's not a rum and coke I want, it's a time machine."
The bartender says, "Sorry, but we're out of time machines.  Come back yesterday and we will have some.
Brian Williams says, "Okay, thanks."  He gets up and leaves the bar walking to his helicopter parked outside.

Monday, December 8, 2014

MY DREAM ABOUT THIS AND THAT . . .

 
I had a dream that you were reading this . . . 


And you laughed at the following:


This walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"
  
This says, "I'll have that, please."

So the bartender fixes This that.  While This is sipping that, the bartender says, "You're the first This who has come into my bar and ordered that.  How come?"

And This says, "Fear, I guess.  Unlike most words, I am not afraid to leave the dictionary and explore the world."

After a few thats, This stood up on the bar and shouted, "I AM A PRONOUN AND NOT AN AMATEUR NOUN!"

"Excuse me, but you can't do that," said the bartender.   "Please sit back down or I will have to ask you to leave."

"Oh yeah?"  shouted This

"Oh yeah,"  said the bartender.

And This sat back down, finished another that, and then left.  And that's that.    



Question:  Why did This cross the road?

You: I don't know. 

Answer:  To return to the dictionary. 
 (This would have driven back to the dictionary, but knows not to drink and drive.)


"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"This."
"This who?"
"No not the zoo, This that's who."


BREAKING NEWSTHAT FILES COMPLAINT WITH THE WORDS RIGHTS ASSOCIATION AFTER THAT IS USED IN A DREAM AS A DRINK

     Lawyers for That said that their client's reputation was damaged when That was used in a dream as an alcoholic drink drank by This The lawyers said that they are also thinking about filing a lawsuit against Gary Johnston, the dreamer.  A spokesperson for The Words Rights Association said that they will investigate  and . . . 


. . . And then you woke up and continued with your reality -- whatever that is.
 

 

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

*EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT DEATH, BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK

*Well, not everything




Q:  Why did Death cross the road?
A:  It was following a chicken whose time was near.





Death walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What will it be?"
Death says, "I'll have you."
"Me?" says the bartender.  "Me?  But I'm not a drink."
"That's okay," says Death, "I'm not thirsty."






Death cares not whether
You're young or old
When Death visits you
You'll soon be cold
And stiff 
And rotting
And smelly
And not much fun to be with 









 



The only problem with Death is that all of its decisions are final.


 

Monday, April 30, 2012

A CHICKEN AND A BAR

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To go into a bar.

A chicken walks into a bar, after crossing the road, and the bartender says, "What?  The cross-the-road jokes aren't enough for you?  You have to be in this one?"

A chicken walks into a bar and orders a drink.  The bartender gets the drink for the chicken when an egg sitting at the bar shouts, "Hey!  How come you're serving the chicken?  I was here first!"

A chicken walks into a bar and says, "Give me a vodka and orange juice."
The bartender says, "Don't be silly.  Chickens don't drink."
And the chicken says, "And we don't talk either."

A chicken walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve chickens here."
And the chicken says, "That's okay.  I don't eat chickens.  I'll have a worm burger and a beer thank you."

A chicken walks into a bar and shows the bartender a picture of Colonel Sanders.  The chicken says, "Have you seen this man?"
The bartender says, "No.  Why?"
The chicken says, "He's wanted for mass murder."

A chicken walks into a bar and orders a drink.  The bartender brings it to him and says, "There is something I've been meaning to ask you."
The chicken says, "Okay.  What?"
The bartender says, "Tell me.  Why did you cross the road?"
The chicken pauses, and then takes a drink.  He looks at the bartender and says, "Because it's there."

A bartender walks into a barnyard.  A chicken runs up to him and says, "Hey!  You're the guy from all the jokes I've been in!" 
The bartender says, "Yup, that's me."
And the chicken says, "What are you doing here?"
And the bartender says, "I needed a change of scenery."

Why did the chicken leave the bar?
To cross the road.



Saturday, April 23, 2011

SIGNS WE WOULD LIKE TO SEE . . .

SMOKING

LOITERING

PLEASE WALK ON THE GRASS

BEWARE OF NOTHING

NO DANGEROUS CHEMICALS

NO SPEED LIMIT

NO BUMPS  POTHOLES OR UNEVEN PAVEMENT ON ROAD AHEAD

ROAD DRY WHEN NOT WET

CONSTRUCTION ZONE -  HARD HATS REQUIRED  ( IF YOU FEEL LIKE WEARING ONE)

PARKING ANY TIME

DON'T BUY ONE AND GET ONE FREE!

PRIVATE PROPERTY -  BUT FEEL FREE TO TRESPASS

WE ASSUME RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY PERSONAL  LOSS AND INJURY, OR DAMAGE TO YOUR PROPERTY  WHILE YOU ARE ON OUR PREMISES